Time. To. Change.

Time. To. Change.

I’m so tired I can barely see my computer screen. My company are paying me a lot of money to do this job, and they sure aren’t paying me to be hungover 3 days a week. Last week I had ¾ bottle of wine on Wednesday, more than a bottle of red on Thursday, a bottle of prosecco on Friday, 7 pints and a glass of wine on Saturday and 2 bottles of wine on Sunday. As I write that, I’m astounded that I’m sitting at my desk at work, that I actually made it here. A year ago, that would have been physically impossible for me, now that’s only marginally ‘bigger’ than the average weekend.

It’s such a big issue, stopping drinking, that I need to try and quantify it.

I will save so much money if I don’t drink. Let’s say I spend an average on £50 on booze, not including the binge food. I reckon I’ll save £250 a month not drinking, which is £3000 a year that I could be spending on travelling the world, buying a house, learning to fly. I could be doing anything more productive than this.

In terms of calories, 3 bottles of wine a week weighs in at 1800 calories, which I know is the absolute minimum that I’d take in these days. Add the binge food, which is realistically getting towards 600 cals a time and that’s around another 2000. A 2 whole days food.  2 whole days.

Last time I gave up drinking for 3 weeks I went down to 7st 13, shifting 3 pounds without trying while I was at the real lower end of my possible weight. I was drinking on average 2 bottles of wine a week then, and my binges were much more restrained (a packet of crisps and a chocolate bar) rather than the vast amounts I’m working my way through now. Solely through drinking, I’ve gone up to 10 st 4lb, huge for me. I went shopping at the weekend and things I wanted to fit didn’t fit. I’m so glad it’s winter because I can hide under jumpers. I’m dreading getting my arms and tummy out.

I have empty bottles stashed in my draws and wardrobe. I threw up so hard last night, when I woke up this morning my teeth hurt.

I think I’ve probably spent more evenings drunk in 2013 than I have sober (that is definitely the case). November and December 2012 were similar, as were August and September. I don’t really recall October, which speaks for itself.

If *anyone* I know were to read this, they’d be shocked, horrified and really quite sad. I would be if someone showed me it and said I’d written it.

I’m here typing this with such a sense of detachment it scares me. I really need to sort this out, but I don’t know if I have the will power. Every time I start, I have a couple of good days booze free, think I’ll be fine if I have a drink and then spiral into 3-4 days of drinking every night. I need to read this back and remember that having a glass of wine with dinner when out will turn into sharing a bottle, needing to buy more on the way home and turning a casual Monday evening into an unnecessary waste of my health.

Having been through anxiety & depression and recovering from an eating disorder, everyone tells me I look fantastic. They mean I’m fatter, which with such a low starting point could be conceived as a good thing, but they wouldn’t say that if they knew I had booze boobs, not just a healthier relationship with food.

I am definitely the unhealthiest I have been in years. If I can stop drinking, even for 30 days, it will be a huge achievement. I’d like to do it until my big sporting event on 7^th June. That would be 11 weeks, at least 11 pounds lost (although I think it might be more like 15, I’ve just got so much weight that I know is booze and booze alone- the aforementioned booze boobs, for example). If I managed that, and did the event, I’d be so incredibly proud of myself. If you look through the other posts, you’ll see that I’ve tried to do this many times and have failed after a couple of days. 5 days has been my biggest stretch in 14 months. 5 days. Scary.

I have achieved so much in my life through talent, hard work, bloody determination, fear, worry, love of what I’m doing. I can and will deploy all of these things to make my life better through not drinking. I’ve seen giving up as something that I’ll do, just not tonight. In fact because I’m giving up, I might as damn well enjoy my final drinks tonight. And my final food binge. After tonight, I won’t be doing this again, oh no.

Tonight passes, tomorrow comes and the cycle starts again. The more days you have drinking in a row, the more you want to continue. I’m hoping the same logic applies to staying dry. Why does this feel like such a monumental challenge?

Over the past year, I’ve been one by one changing the areas of my life that I don’t like and have made two very major life changes. This giving up drinking could be the biggest one of all. It’s the final frontier.

Some inspiration: http://ivyleagueinsecurities.com/2012/03/the-6pm-post/