CRASH

24 Aug

Well I made it to day 24, then fell so spectacularly, it has terrified me.

I was doing brilliantly. I was full of pink clouds, knowing I was doing the right thing, socialising without booze, happy, fulfilled and calm. 

I knew a big work conference was on the horizon, talked about it with my therapist and lovely Belle, and thought I had my strategies in place.

Night 1 I went running, was happy, thrilled with not drinking, had a great time. 

Night 2, wolfie wrapped his hands round my throat slowly, decisively and throttled me. I got so drunk a colleague had to put me to bed, I fell over at a huge industry part, I was the talk of the town the next day, everyone was worried because I didn’t surface until 3pm. The list goes on.

I WAS SO WIPED OUT I SLEPT THROUGH AN EVACUATION OF THE ENTIRE HOTEL. 

I am so fucking ashamed. My anxiety has been off the scale since. I spent my 27th birthday mostly in bed, ashamed, or apologising. 

Sometimes I think I’m ok with drinking, but that incident shows why I used to drink so much on my own- to get the hit without the shame. 

I really do need to stop. 

But here’s the thing- since that, I needed a drink to feel “normal” yesterday and today I’m 2/3 through a bottle of wine and it’s not even 4pm. 

 

THIS is why. Wolfie has crept up in my life as a hugely indestructible force and I fucking hate him. I hate myself for giving in.

All I want is some help and I don’t know what to do, because I know it needs to come from within. 

onwards…

 

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3 Responses to “CRASH”

  1. carrieonsober August 24, 2013 at 4:10 pm #

    You did really well to get as far as you did and you’ve learned loads. We have all been there. Have you listened to the bubble hour show on relapse? Also, they are doing a show about getting sober when you are younger, which is an added challenge in my opinion, I am in awe of young people getting their shit together so early!
    I would advise listening to a load of those podcasts, till you find yourself again wanting some of what they have got.
    You will be ok.
    c xx

  2. Lilly August 25, 2013 at 10:51 am #

    Oh sweetie pie. I have been there. I have been there. I have SO BEEN THERE. But here’s the thing, you have to keep trying to get through to the other side. Sometimes it takes a few tries -many for some of us. You haven’t failed until you stop trying. Use this as ammo. Write it all down in gory details, while it’s fresh, so next time you’ve quit for a bit and are feeling good and think drinking won’t matter, you can remember.

    Now, c’mon, pick yourself up, dust yourself off and try again. We are here.

    And want Carrie said about getting sober young. I soooo wish I had done what you’re doing at your age and, ten years on, I promise you if you don’t quit it just gets worse and the consequences get bigger.

    You CAN DO THIS.

    xoxoxo

    • FitFatFood August 25, 2013 at 11:20 am #

      Thank you both, you lovely ladies.

      What I learnt is that it’s really dangerous for me to start drinking again, that the days of anxiety and shame afterwards are nowhere near worth it, and that I need to truly commit to being sober to give myself the respect I deserve.

      Thanks so much to you both for your support and kind words- it really helps me to have your wisdom behind me.

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