Day 3

28 Oct
Again. Once again here. I just had to reach out to someone for extra help. I can’t do this alone. 
I had a great sober week or so after I last potsed. had a fantastic time doing it and then drank for 5 days solid secretly and painfully when on holiday in an all inclusive hotel. 
I’ve got to stop. The last few times I’ve tried, I have had half a mind that it’s something that would be good to do, but not entirely necessary.  That I can cope with drinking. I pretend I enjoy it. This time, I didn’t I did it purely and solely to escape. 
After looking back on the past year of trying and failing I know the only option is to fully commit to this 100 days, when I’ll get a clearer picture of what life could be lift if I kick this horrible habit.
The last week’s drinking was so isolating and lonely. I went on holiday with 1 other friend, avoided him wherever possible to go to the bar, raid the mini bar and get it replaced when I knew he wasn’t going to be in the room. When we were by the pool, I secretly topped up diet coke  with red wine. I know one night at dinner I was slurring badly when he was stone cold sober and one night he had to carry me to bed. 
I just cannot drink. I remember when I met Carrie on Sober and Belle from Team 100 and we talked about not knowing when the switch had flipped from me being a normal drinker to a destructive one, and Carrie wisely said “Once the switch has flipped, it doesn’t flip back.” Now I know this. I feel it with every bone in my body. Hell, I feel it in my liver, which aches. 
I am more determined than every to stop. Just for today, then for tomorrow, until I get to 100. I no longer care this 100 days encompasses the work Christmas party, Christmas with my family of big drinkers, New Years Eve. I just want to stop now. 
I was up until 5am last night reading this  and I have never related more to reflections on alcoholism. I clearly am one. I know this now. I’m embracing it as the truth. Even though it feels completely at odds with who I thought I was, and every area of my life, it’s become the truth. I have a huge drinking problem.
I’m feeling angry and determined. Being in the grips of alcohol wasn’t how my life was supposed to turn out, but it somehow has, and I’m so determined to conquer it this time. I’m not letting fucking wolfie do the dance of seduction which lures me into the false sense of security that it’s fine. 
This time it’s for 100 days. I promise. 

11 Responses to “Day 3”

  1. AuntieLex October 28, 2013 at 7:06 pm #

    Be kind to you! I have had many day threes, and am pushing hard for that day 100.. You are not alone, and I know you can do this.. Keep reaching out, and asking for help.. I am finding asking for help is hard, but mandatory… I haven much support in my day to day life but the cyber sober support is here and there’s plenty..
    Be strong and get some rest!

  2. happierlikethis October 28, 2013 at 9:29 pm #

    We’ve all had multiple day ones, threes etc. Let go of the shame, or even better, mentally put it in a box , put the lid on it and set fire to it, jump on it, throw it over a bridge! That’s the best thing about being sober: living without the daily burden of shame, self-hatred, guilt etc. you’re on the edge of succeeding with this and we’re all out here cheering for you. And, like Auntie Lex says, you are definitely not alone. We’re on the road with you.

    • FitFatFood October 28, 2013 at 9:32 pm #

      Thank you so much, both of you 🙂

  3. soberjournalist October 28, 2013 at 10:56 pm #

    The secrecy of all the drinking you did whilst on holiday really struck a chord with me – it’s such hard work, all the sneaking around. I know you’re pissed off to be back on day 3 but at least you’re trying again, that is the most important thing. Sometimes it takes several attempts and then for some reason you just ‘get’ it and it sticks. I really like the soberistas website too – it might be worth you downloading their book, if you’ve not read it already? It’s called sober revolution and its very uplifting and inspiring.

    • FitFatFood October 29, 2013 at 5:01 pm #

      It is hard work, isn’t it? And totally boring in the end, as I discovered.

      I’ve read the Soberistas book quite a few times, and it really helps me. I’m finding with these books (Soberistas, Drinking A Love Affair, Alan Carr, Jason Vale) that the first time round they planted a seed, the second time round they reinforced that I might have to take serious action and now, the third reading of them, that I have no choice.

      I wished that one day I’d just wake up and magically snap out of the habit of abusing alcohol, but the last few years has proved that not only does it not happen, but also that I clearly really want it to happen. I keep reading, keep posting, keep trying. It’s not a fleeting desire to stop, it’s something that has consumed me for well over a year. So why not put that energy into staying stopped rather than starting again?

      That’s my current mindset. Let’s hope I can ward off wolfie with my newly found shield of strength & resolve 🙂

      If you’re heading south any time soon let me know- would be great to meet & chat again.

  4. carrieonsober October 28, 2013 at 11:52 pm #

    So, you had the send off party and it’s done!!This is a fresh start and you are already nearly done with day 3!! I really believe you can do this and you know you deserve to be nicer to yourself than this. Have you a one week treat to look forward to? And I hear we are planning a 30 day celebration cuppa in London? Be kind to yourself in EVERY way except booze right now….it’s really big stuff you are doing here but you can do it!

    • FitFatFood October 29, 2013 at 4:54 pm #

      I think it was the send off party, I feel different about it this time. I know it’s the most important thing I can do, more important than my work, running, or the situations it would be ‘nice’ to drink. going out with friends, dating. Because now it doesn’t stop at ‘nice’ anymore, it turns to very drunk, very secretive and very unhappy.

      So that’s that. And know I know.

  5. a0life0well0lived October 29, 2013 at 3:14 pm #

    This is my first visit to your blog and I admire your resolve. 100 days is a great plan – everything can be reassessed at that point, but for now, give it all you got. 🙂

  6. momma bee November 18, 2013 at 8:45 pm #

    This line struck me……. we talked about not knowing when the switch had flipped from me being a normal drinker to a destructive one, and Carrie wisely said “Once the switch has flipped, it doesn’t flip back.”

    I think that is so true….. My switch has been flipped for a good year or two now. I don’t think there is anyway to flip it back. Im on Day 27 today of the 100 day and I will do this. We ALL will do this. 🙂

    • FitFatFood November 18, 2013 at 8:46 pm #

      We will indeed! I had a wobble today (thought about drinkin for the first time, but back on track now)

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