Alone

8 Nov

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This week I have felt such a crushing loneliness it’s almost been suffocating me. Last night I wanted to collapse into myself.

It’s such a strange thing, drinking. Before I started drinking on my own, I craved time alone in this city where you’re constantly surrounded by people. Now I drink and I’m single, I thought I was doing it to relieve loneliness, but the further I go down this path of trying to be sober, I realise it’s the drinking that causes that empty feeling.

When I’m drinking, I want to be alone so I can drink as much as I want, without anyone seeing or judging, having to worry about rounds or the speed other people are drinking. So I shut myself away in my poky room and polish off a bottle of wine on a week night, with no reason to, and nothing gained.

One of the last times I was very hungover at work, I stopped on the way home for a pint to give me the energy to do the commute in rush hour (I get trains, not driving). There were so many people alone, cradling pints, men in suits, a beautiful young woman, younger than me, with red hair, an immaculate lady on her second glass of white. It was such a poignant sight, knowing what I now know about alcohol. It made me sadder to know that I was part of that picture.

I took a big step yesterday, in telling my best friend that I felt very lonely and down. His solution? Us meeting up to drink lots of wine. I came straight out with that recently wine has been making me feel worse, and that I’m laying off it for a while. He is such a big drinker, and he’s used to period of me not drinking, so he won’t pressure me to join in. It’s a huge relief.

I know that the sober road is hard, but at least when I’m not drinking I have the energy and inclination to go and meet friends, potter round the city streets people watching or sit in a café, rather than dragging myself home, still hungover, to ease that pain with another bottle.

As my last relationship was ending, I’ll never forget the moment an empty bottle of wine fell out of my handbag when we were supposed to be doing ‘Dry January’ together and his horror as he asked “do you have a drinking problem?!” little did I know it would get much worse. Even though that relationship should and would have ended anyway, I can’t help wonder how different things would have been if I wasn’t drinking and crying, or lying next to him stinking of booze after a night of secret drinking. I worry about dating sober, and having ‘that’ conversation with a new partner if I find one, but I honestly can’t see myself being able to form an attachment to someone in my current state.

Whichever angle I look at it, drinking is at the centre of this loneliness in so many different ways. Why don’t I choose to stick to the other path? 

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2 Responses to “Alone”

  1. Lisa Neumann November 9, 2013 at 3:50 pm #

    Living life was my problem. Drinking became my solution. ‘No alcohol’ meant I was back to life without a solution. But I didn’t know how to find a new solution unless I was drinking. Living has been the most challenging task, until I learned how to do it. You’re not alone. I know that many people love you. Hoping today is a little brighter for you. With love, Lisa

  2. FitFatFood November 9, 2013 at 4:31 pm #

    Thank you.

    I have a great life, and so much love around me, it makes no sense that when I’m left to my own devices, strange things with alcohol happen.

    I need to learn to be with myself, and I’m not there yet. But I’m working at it.

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