17 Dec

This afternoon, I wrote about relapse. 

This evening I was THAT CLOSE to drinking. I was almost resigned to it. I was far from home with no phone to send an SOS message to my supportive sober friends and feeling absolutely shit. The mere act of writing about relapsing made the thought get stuck in my head and even seem like a good idea. An experiment in whether my relationship to alcohol has changed. 

I didn’t do it, but I wanted to so much. I still do a little. 

Why is this so hard?! Or perhaps a more appropriate question is: why do I have so many feelings I want to squish?!

Tomorrow is another day. 


24 Responses to “CLOSE CALL”

  1. lucy2610 December 17, 2013 at 9:02 pm #

    It is hard but you’ve said out loud your fear of drinking today. Is that enough to keep it at bay? I hope so and am standing *virtually* right beside you not drinking too 🙂

    • FitFatFood December 17, 2013 at 10:04 pm #

      Shoulder to shoulder sister 🙂

      Just found your blog and I LOVE it- look forward to reading the archives tomorrow x

  2. carrieonsober December 17, 2013 at 9:05 pm #

    Wow, you never cease to amaze me with your willpower!
    You have fought some intense cravings and are challenging yourself massively as a young person testing sobriety at Christmas. I wish you could see from where we do how strong you are and you might want to squish down your feelings but the real you is winning and she is a strong shining superstar who is growing and inspiring every day.
    Did you have a treat?
    Hugs Carrie

    • FitFatFood December 17, 2013 at 10:03 pm #

      Thank you Carrie, I honestly didn’t know what to do when I couldn’t tell you I was wobbly!

      You just made me feel like a rockstar with that comment. Thank you.

      Today I walked into a bar, went to order and walked out again. That’s pretty strong. But wolfie tells me I’m weak. I just need to keep proving him wrong.

      • carrieonsober December 18, 2013 at 7:27 am #

        Anytime. You feeling different today? x

      • FitFatFood December 18, 2013 at 4:29 pm #

        Yes, I feel calmer and less emotional.

        I’ve avoided drink already one today so that’s a good enough reason for me to carry on 🙂

  3. happierlikethis December 17, 2013 at 9:11 pm #

    Ditto Carrie! Getting sober young? Truly courageous. I wouldn’t even have thought of it as a possibility, let alone attempted it. But, now I wish I had so that I could have made different choices about things. I’m in awe of you, brave FFF. X

    • FitFatFood December 17, 2013 at 10:03 pm #

      Thank you so much- you have no idea how these kind words help me.

      THANK YOU.

  4. primrosep December 17, 2013 at 11:07 pm #

    An enormous cheer for you for not drinking. This thing is bloody hard and we are all learning together how to fight it. It doesn’t have to be pretty. All that matters is doing it. And you ARE! X

  5. Jean December 18, 2013 at 2:17 am #

    Great for you that you didn’t drink, and I agree with Carrie, my life may have been different if I would have stopped drinking as a young woman.

  6. jenisthesoberist December 18, 2013 at 4:07 am #

    Good for you for resisting the urge!! I have been thinking about cravings…I still get them sometimes, but after having some killer ones and resisting it gets easier to resist. So think of it this way… you will be better equipped next time because of this experience. xx

  7. girlonthelearn December 18, 2013 at 4:38 am #

    Your ability to fight through such strong cravings gives me strength. It is hard!!! So hard that i tricked myself into just “changing my mind” about sticking to the challenge, “deciding” to drink, only later to realize that’s not my true intention and I was just in a weak moment! So tricky how our minds convince us that we’re making a wise decision when it’s the thing we don’t want! You are strong and your voice inspires me. Keep it up!

    • FitFatFood December 18, 2013 at 4:30 pm #

      Thank you.

      It’s funny, I had that “changing my mind” moment last time I relapsed.

      Perhaps relapse is the wrong word though- I feel that this whole thing is a process and that we learn every time we drink. You’ve learnt what’s working for you and what isn’t and that’s fantastic.

  8. monkeybegone December 18, 2013 at 8:45 am #

    Excellent job. Some days are great, some days are crap – but you can obviously choose how you respond.

  9. risingwoman December 18, 2013 at 8:45 am #

    It IS hard… and you did it anyway. That is an astounding act of self-love – I am on my feet, applauding your choice and strength.

    • FitFatFood December 18, 2013 at 4:28 pm #

      Thank you, it’s always nice to get a standing ovation 😉

      Feeling pretty thrilled with my decision today. Happy times!

  10. thebettylife December 18, 2013 at 9:59 am #

    I know that feeling. I was right there last night too.Thanks for sharing your journey, very inspiring. Betty x

  11. losedabooze December 18, 2013 at 11:35 am #

    Good on you!! It does feel good to gain that control – while I had the slip and had drinks – I did walk into a liquor store on the Sunday and walked out empty handed. The habit is still there – but it’s slowly shifting and that is progress 🙂

    • FitFatFood December 18, 2013 at 4:27 pm #


      I think that black and white thinking (if I drink I’ll have failed) is unhelpful sometimes- we are doing so much for ourselves, and so well!

  12. Lisa Neumann December 18, 2013 at 2:59 pm #

    I remember these moments—deeply… Even after almost 10 years. “I want to, I want to, I want to, I want to.” And for some miraculous moment I did not. I look back now and see that my head was saying “yes”, but my heart held steadfast in my “no.” I hope this day finds you sober.

    I know, for me, the sweet moment of waking up sober and realizing I had actually done it … made it through was victorious. Sweet, sweet victory.

    Whatever today brings, I hope it finds you loving you.

    with love, Lisa

    • FitFatFood December 18, 2013 at 4:26 pm #

      Thank you. I hope one day my head and my heart align.

      Today is a better day, I feel more stable. I’m still turning over the thought of drinking in my head, but it doesn’t mean I’ll do it.

      Thank you for your support as ever x

    • FitFatFood December 19, 2013 at 3:44 pm #

      10 years, wow. I honestly don’t know how people do it.

      But I did it last night, and I didn’t think I could. Maybe I just keep doing that every day until it gets easier, maybe that’s all there is to it…

      I’m happy with myself for doing what I did last night and reaching out and surviving the desire 🙂

      • Lisa Neumann December 19, 2013 at 5:07 pm #

        There is no secret to sobriety. If there is one, you just found it last night. I think 10 years is easier then 6 months. It gets very different as time passes. I am incredibly proud of you. (Not that you are mine to be proud of, but you know what I mean). You should feel happy. Because the old you would be nursing a hangover and hating you today. Now you have a day of total freedom from your torturing words. What a blessing. You made my day. I’ve been thinking of you and hoping you were facing “it” and prevailing. Love, love, love from me to you. L

      • FitFatFood December 19, 2013 at 9:43 pm #

        Thank you THANK YOU. I might have shed a little proud, happy tear reading that.

        Your generosity of support is amazing- it keeps me wanting to do this because I hope one day I can give the same experience and kind words to someone else at the beginning of their journey x x x

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