I’m Drinking

24 Dec

If I’m going to do this blog and get the support I am lucky enough to get from people who read this, I have to be honest.

I’m drinking right now.

Yesterday I slipped up- I accepted a glass of champagne at a baby shower and drank it. I wasn’t vigilant about sobriety and sort of forgot I don’t drink any more. 

I messaged Carrie telling her, but I was so sure it was just a momentary thing. I was so proud of myself because I stopped at that one glass. 

Alcohol is a fucker, yesterday I stopped drinking when I could have carried on, but got the taste for it again. Today I’ve had 4 glasses of wine, a nap, a bottle of cava, a bottle of beer and a gin and tonic. I am typing, a bit drunk, to make myself accountable. 

I have done so much work this past  6 weeks, SO much, and don’t want to go back to drinking regularly, but F**K, I can’t believe I’m here again. I changed my environment and let my guard down and wolfie has bitten me.

I just re-read what I’ve drunk. That’s a lot.  I hope documenting it helps me when I re-read this post and reminds me why I shouldn’t drink.

Ugh tomorrow is a starting over day. Now I remember that truly one is never one. If I stop drinking after one drink on one day, the desire to drink is ignited nevertheless and I drink shitloads the next. 

I’m listening to this song on repeat, all about Starting Over: http://vimeo.com/61666335

I don’t want to go through the pain again :/ But I have no choice. 

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21 Responses to “I’m Drinking”

  1. Amina C December 24, 2013 at 2:22 am #

    I’m here. Always reach out. Tomorrow is a new day. Please know you can talk to me whenever you need.

    • FitFatFood December 24, 2013 at 10:04 am #

      A new day and a new lesson learnt- DON’T DRINK!

      I’m moving on, quickly, coming back to the brilliant sober life I loved.

  2. carrythemessage December 24, 2013 at 2:56 am #

    Sorry to hear that it’s gone pear shaped for you there, but you certainly can start again tomorrow. To continue is folly, as we all know, having been there. Everyone I know who goes back to the bottle all report it bites faster and bites stronger, every single time. But I am proud that you are making yourself accountable here, under non-judgmental eyes and amongst friends and comrades and people who understand, and are taking a stand in trying to wrestle with this.

    Get rest, drink plenty of water and stay away from that first drink. Easy to say, hard to do. I know.

    Love and light,
    Paul

    • FitFatFood December 24, 2013 at 10:03 am #

      I’ve learnt, and I’m moving on.

      Each time I slip it makes me a bit stronger in the fight, because I realise it’s just not worth it.

      Thanks for your wise words.

  3. lyn December 24, 2013 at 4:13 am #

    been there
    lyn

    • FitFatFood December 24, 2013 at 10:02 am #

      I don’t want to go there any time soon again!

  4. momma bee December 24, 2013 at 5:14 am #

    Don’t dwell on it being day 1 again. We have all been there. In our hearts we know that we can’t have a drink, even just one. It is very hard to accept and in time you will too. Wolfie got a hold of you for 2 days but it ends there. It ends to night and tomorrow we tell him to Fuck off. Your not alone in your journey. Hugs.

    • FitFatFood December 24, 2013 at 10:02 am #

      I’m no longer just a few days behind you, doh!

      I’ve learnt and I’m not going to get caught up on day 1- I’ve just had 40 odd days of lovely sobriety, which is much nicer to think about!

  5. primrosep December 24, 2013 at 5:34 am #

    Dear FFF, you know that this will always be a place where everyone reading has experienced what you are going through, time and time again. That feeling of not being able to stop hitting your head against a brick wall – ugh. Coming here and posting is brave and real. You are showing up. Please, stay here. It is the only place I know where there are answers to seemingly impossible, insoluble questions, whatever those right answers might be for you, right now. Paul had some great ones above. Rest, water. Showing yourself grace and kindness. Doing the next right thing though it hurts like hell. Stay here. X

    • FitFatFood December 24, 2013 at 10:01 am #

      Thank you. I know I need to stay. I knew as I was writing last night if I didn’t tell this community I was drinking I would carry on for days, potentially weeks. The accountability helps.

      Thank you for the support

  6. carrieonsober December 24, 2013 at 7:45 am #

    Everyone has had loads of Day 1’s. We have all been overcome more than once. Listen to your heart. You know you want this and now with so many sober days and sober tools you know you can do it. I am glad that you have reached out so quickly and you are always so honest…wolfie will be pissed with you.
    Get back up and try again. No looking back, no beating yourself up either.
    I know you can do this and I’m rooting for you. Hugs C xx

    • FitFatFood December 24, 2013 at 9:59 am #

      With every day 1 is a lesson learnt.

      I just don’t like the experience at all of drinking. I’m taking baby steps, but every time I tumble over I learn something. And last night I learnt that drinking sucks, to be honest.

      Get polishing that sober tiara, I’ll need one again soon 🙂

      • carrieonsober December 24, 2013 at 10:16 am #

        I’ve got one waiting for you!

  7. risingwoman December 24, 2013 at 9:27 am #

    Sweetie, I fell down more times than I can count until I stopped for good. What I can tell you is that I was never as fast to be accountable as you have been here: your determination to be open and ask for help is a very very positive sign. It means that you are in a new place – a place of honesty. Honesty is not a word that alcoholics understand or respect, and the fact that it matters to you is the surest sign that you are different now. Stronger, healthier, responsible.

    Get some rest, be kind to yourself, and take some deep breaths. And get up today, look in the mirror, and tell the woman looking back at you that you are proud of her for being honest. That is a gift, and it’s one that you have given to yourself.

    • FitFatFood December 24, 2013 at 9:58 am #

      Thank you. Slip ups happen for a reason I think- to learn. I’ll be back to sparkling sobriety soon, I know it.

      • risingwoman December 24, 2013 at 3:18 pm #

        I know it, too!

  8. happierlikethis December 24, 2013 at 10:31 am #

    Brave FFF, i said to you once how I’m in awe of you for taking this battle on so young. So you slipped up. We all have. You don’t seem to want to stay in drinking land; you want to be sober. That’s a huge thing to ‘know’ and the only thing that matters. I’m so happy that you want to ‘stay here’ with the rest of us battlers! Please be gentle on yourself and know that this old battler is proud of you. Really, really proud. X

    • FitFatFood December 24, 2013 at 5:01 pm #

      Thank you so much.

      I’m trying, I’m falling, but this is all a process. This year I’ve had 100 days AF in total when I would otherwise have drunk alot. That’s so much more than last year, and next year, it will be 365 I hope 😀

      I’m just going to keep on with this. I don’t want to be a drinker any more, I just don’t.

    • FitFatFood December 25, 2013 at 6:49 pm #

      I keep re-reading this comment and it makes me teary. Thanks for the support, so so grateful for the kind words.

  9. losedabooze December 24, 2013 at 5:35 pm #

    I’m drinking too and have been for too many days to count. I am very depressed bout my situation – and caught in the vicious cycle – of wanting to drown it all out and NOT feel anything… I hope we can get through this – but I’ve been honestly avoiding. Kudos to you for at least coming here and being honest.

    • FitFatFood December 25, 2013 at 6:49 pm #

      Oh no. I hope we can and i KNOW we can.

      It’s too much pain to carry on. I’m here for you x

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