Unhappy Christmas

25 Dec

Christmas would have been so different if I hadn’t drank. I feel down, anxious and helpless. Today would have been day 45, I would have gone on my annual Christmas run with joy in my heart. Once I drink, the negative effects last for days. I ran this morning and derived no pleasure from it, I felt ashamed, self loathing and deep rooted sadness. I wanted to sit down in the middle of the street and cry.

My family are big drinkers and watching them do it today is making me even sadder. My brother suffers from depression and has just got out of a spell in prison, and just looking at him drinking bottle after bottle of beer makes me want to weep.

But, every day is a new start, and tomorrow I’m hoping the post-drinking blues abate and that I start to get some of my sober clarity and peace back. 

This time next year when I post on Christmas day, I want to do so with a year of sobriety under my belt. I want to re-read this and remember the pain and discomfort that drinking has brought back so quickly. I want to have worked through how to cope with my low moods and be a stronger person for it. I want to be 100% sober and comfortable with a new lifestyle. Drinking ruins so much, it’s just not worth it. I’ve written it time after time on here this year and keep slipping. One day, I’ll no longer slip, I’ll wobble along sober but will no longer fall.

This post is like a little message in a bottle for what I hope the next year will bring. It will be my 2014 Christmas Day treat to read how far I’ll have come. I can do this, I know it’s within me to. I just need to keep the faith in myself, which I currently don’t have back, but  with a few sober days under my belt, it will come. 

Here’s to ending 2013 sober and starting 2014 on the right foot. 

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10 Responses to “Unhappy Christmas”

  1. happierlikethis December 25, 2013 at 8:25 pm #

    You have so much to be proud of. Please, no shame today or tomorrow or ever. Your journey this year has been life-changing and brave and I have no doubt that you will find your way to how you want to feel. Be forgiving of yourself and remember how far you’ve come. Sending you Christmas wishes for happiness. Here’s to continuing our journey together in 2014. It can only get better and better. Xxx

    • FitFatFood December 25, 2013 at 8:40 pm #

      Do you know what, I DO and it HAS. There’s no going back, no unlearning what I’ve learnt this year.

      The shame is just the alcohol still working it’s way out of my system. I’m proud of myself for sticking with this journey and I’m so grateful to have a team of sober cheerleaders behind me like you wonderful gang 🙂

      *shakes pom poms and high-kicks*

  2. Joan B. December 25, 2013 at 8:46 pm #

    I hope I am right beside you next Christmas, celebrating a full year of sobriety.
    Joan B.

    • FitFatFood December 25, 2013 at 9:19 pm #

      Well we have that to look forward to Joan 🙂

  3. jenisthesoberist December 25, 2013 at 8:48 pm #

    Maybe this is exactly what you needed. Nothing bad happened…all is well. You can go on to have a sober New Year! Merry Christmas. 🙂

  4. lucy2610 December 25, 2013 at 9:11 pm #

    I echo what Joan B says 🙂 Here’s to sober solidarity for 2014 xx

  5. primrosep December 25, 2013 at 10:03 pm #

    Blogging like you are doing right now is just such a powerful weapon. You will have this as a permanent record for your future self of how far you have come and WHY. Hauling these feelings into the light, examining them, and learning from them – that is HUGE. Loving the message in a bottle metaphor. This is a great platform to end 2013 and start 2014! x

    • FitFatFood December 25, 2013 at 10:05 pm #

      I have spent the whole evening writing. It helps so much. Lots more little messages to come 🙂

  6. risingwoman December 26, 2013 at 7:49 am #

    I love the idea that this is a ‘message in a bottle’ of sorts, something to look back on, and rejoice how far you have come.

    Big hugs, FFF. I hope that you start to feel the ground under your feet again soon.

Trackbacks/Pingbacks

  1. Gifts of Sobriety Part II | FitFatFood- Blogging to Stay Sober - March 8, 2014

    […] like to leave myself little messages in a bottle to remind myself why sobriety is worth all the struggle and heartache. Here’s my latest list […]

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