One Step Forward…

4 Jan

I’ve had an amazing holiday. I’ve run in some stunning locations, climbed a mountain and had huge belly laughs with old friends.

But, I drank wine again.

I drank socially, sensibly, normally and didn’t get drunk or hungover. It felt like a perfectly reasonable thing to do. But but but…

These times when I have a good experience with alcohol are dangerous, because I know they are rare. They make me feel I’m ok around alcohol which when I’m alone, we know isn’t the case.

When I drink with friends and feel safe and loved, it’s like this whole sober blogging world I cling onto so often doesn’t exist. Like it’s all some weird fantasy I buy into to make myself feel special. But as I read back over the past year, the words I’ve written tell the truth. The horrible truth I conveniently forget when the Wolfe voice pipes up.

So today I’m re-reading every post I’ve written. Remembering why I want to be on the sober path again and buckling up for a tough month or so as I get a chunk of sober time under my belt again. I’m not ready to say “never again” to alcohol, but I do know I can’t tackle my other issues until it’s removed from the picture.

This turmoil and effort just feels so unjust at the moment. I feel like this struggle has been cruelly forced upon me. But there’s no choice but to accept it. To choose the hard but happy road.

I need to get back to my sober routines, to taking this whole thing as seriously as it needs to be taken.

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9 Responses to “One Step Forward…”

  1. Lilly January 4, 2014 at 11:25 am #

    All I can say is I’m 100% there with you and could have written this exact post today! What I’m struggling with most is exactly that recent drinking has been ok enough to fool me into thinking ‘maybe I can drink, just less, after all’. BUT, I know that is not honestly reflective of my overall relationship with alcohol. Like Lucy says in her Sober Revolution book (read it if you haven’t) it’s like if you have the odd good night with an abusive boyfriend – would that cancel out them beating you up time and again?

    I am totally struggling with this so I hear you. I hope we can get back on track together. because while it feels hard and confusing right now I actually also really don’t want to lose what I’ve gained being sober and I feel like I will if I keep drinking, even if it truly continued to be less often/less heavily. Does that make sense?

    Hugs,

    Lilly xo

    • FitFatFood January 4, 2014 at 6:37 pm #

      You always make sense Lily. Isn’t it strange how once you’ve had the tiniest slip, it turns into a bigger one until you just want to carry on. Now, I only remember the rough bits of not drinking And feel like since I’ve messed up I might as well carry on.

      Stupid Wolfe voice.

      • Lilly January 4, 2014 at 10:47 pm #

        A good read here:

        http://soberistas.wordpress.com/2014/01/04/time-for-reflection/

        Having been on both sides I can confidently say that the bad parts of beings sober are far less bad than the bad parts of drinking.

        We both know, as is abundantly evident from our past experience, that we have a destructive relationship with alcohol and that it is dangerous for us. This has not magically changed with a few ‘not so bad’ experiences.

        I am trying to refocus on why I’d rather make the choice to have a healthy sober life. Sure, we can choose to keep drinking, no one stopping us but I don’t think that’s really want I want or what will make me happy.

        I bet that’s abundantly clear to anyone recently reading our posts. We sounded so happy when we were feeling solidly sober and now..

        Did the drinking feel that good or make you that happy? Personally I’d say no and I’m also feeling flat, depressed, anxious and tired in its wake even though it wasn’t that excessive so I reckon it’ll only get worse.

        Hugs,

        Lilly xo

  2. wren1450 January 4, 2014 at 2:06 pm #

    Hang in there. It was a difficult thing you did, going away with drinking buddies for a holiday. I know that you really want to stop, as do I. I am on Day 6 after, as you know (and many, many, many you do NOT know about during the past years), slipping previously. You know how great sobriety feels. But during the first, fragile days, try not to add any major temptations?

  3. carrieonsober January 4, 2014 at 2:13 pm #

    Welcome back!
    Remember how good it feels to be sober and focus on that. The tough times outweigh the great feelings even at the start and then time makes it easier and easier.
    X

  4. glenn January 4, 2014 at 4:09 pm #

    Whatever path you choose with all of your best interests in mind, with love and respect for yourself, with care and compassion for those you love and trust, be confident that you are doing the right thing. No one, but you, is qualified to make a decision for you and with a strong heart and clear mind you will find the path you need to travel when you are ready.
    Take care, be well and love with all your heart.

  5. Amina C January 4, 2014 at 4:13 pm #

    Remembering is so important for people like you and me. The more sobriety I am getting the more I remember and the more I realize I have to lose.
    I’m glad you are back on track 🙂

  6. lucy2610 January 4, 2014 at 8:35 pm #

    It took me 5 years of stopping and starting to reach this point. I know how hard it can be xx

  7. soberjournalist January 5, 2014 at 9:58 am #

    It’s confusing when you’re able to drink and it all feels ‘ok’, I know this used to make me question whether I really had a problem. You’re right to recognise that sometimes it just goes like that… It doesn’t mean you’ve suddenly gained an off switch! Good luck with getting a bit of time under your belt, I think you’ll feel much better and stronger with a few weeks behind you!

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