6 Jan

I am in an absolute f**king state. 

Excuse my language. 

But they say when you’re getting sober, you shouldn’t change your job, your relationship or where you live in there first year of getting sober. Well, I’ve changed all of the above whilst trying to get sober, and now am in the process of trying to buy a house which today, with all the back and forth of offers, was the most stressful it’s ever been. 

Yesterday I got in touch with an old boyfriend who has been BESOTTED with me for years, and has in the past 6 months repeatedly said he wants to rekindle what we had. I pushed him away and away, trying to get sober, and when I was ready to get in touch again, he’s told me he’d found someone else. He was the one person I could count on, apart from my family, to love me wholly and completely for who I am, and now he’s gone. Maybe not forever, but for now, when I need him. 

Today is tough in so many different ways. I drank again today, after days sober. Not much, but I did. What the FUCK has happened to make me live this sort of life. It bears no resemblance to what my friends or family think of me. Nor what I think of myself.I just cannot believe I’m an alcoholic. But would I come back here time and time if I wasn’t?!??!

My liver still hurts. 

I need to go to AA, I think. Supportive online and texting friends plus the blogosphere apparently isn’t enough. I’m genuinely scared that one day I won’t wake up :/ And I get too ashamed when things go wrong. I want everyone to be giving me gold stars all the time, and that aint gonna happen.

Breathing deeply now. I hope tomorrow feels brighter. 

19 Responses to “SOS”

  1. jenisthesoberist January 6, 2014 at 10:20 pm #

    Try AA…it can’t hurt! Be kind to yourself, though! I can hear the panic in your post. Everything will be ok. Big hugs!

    • FitFatFood January 7, 2014 at 4:39 pm #

      It was such immense panic. Huge. And there’s still a bit of that feeling there now, but I’ll get through.

  2. wren1450 January 6, 2014 at 10:20 pm #

    Ok. Take a deep breath. I don’t have an answer for you. Trying to deal with drinking issues (or being an alcoholic–however you want to put it) is a very, very difficult thing. That’s why there are literally hundreds of books out there, groups like AA, etc etc. I can only say that, for me, it is taking one day at a time and, sometimes, one minute at a time. And I have been fortunate this time getting sober (and, truly, I can’t tell you how many times I have tried to quit) because I have been under very little stress. I won’t even go out to dinner right now–too much temptation to have wine. Go on a trip? Nope. Go out with friends at night? No. So do I have a boring life right now? Perhaps, but it is what I have to do at this point.
    I wish I had a good answer to give you. There is no magic bullet. Just know there ARE people “out here” who are listening, who care, and who commiserate.
    Joan B.

  3. Lilly January 6, 2014 at 10:22 pm #

    Oh sweetie, giant hugs to you right now.

    You said you were rereading old posts recently. Well, when I read this I wanted you to go back and reread some of your glowing posts when you were feeling solidly sober (this applies to myself as well). There is such a difference. It makes it so clear.

    The guy, well, that sucks, but you must have had good reasons for fending him off when you did and maybe now is not the best time to rekindle something even if he WERE available. And, if he were really who you wanted to be with maybe you would have just been with him already? I mean, I don’t know the full story, but reading between the lines maybe there are actually good reasons you’re not with him quite regardless of his availability? And, who knows, maybe he’s being unavailable now precisely because you have been so long? Could he be wanting you to prove you want him?

    I say step away from that and away from the bottle. And maybe checking out AA is a good idea. I mean, it certainly can’t hurt to try it out, right?

    Forget the alcoholism label. That one has fucked me up so many times. Who cares about the label? You know you have a problem with alcohol and drink in an unhealthy way and are better/happier when you’re not drinking. And you know you need a lot of help to stay sober. That’s all you need to know right now.

    Lots of love,

    Lilly xo

    • FitFatFood January 6, 2014 at 10:25 pm #

      God Lily I love this post. I am not fully sober now so cannot reply as I want to, but thank you.

      FUCK FUCK FUCK. That is the sound of desperation. Alcoholic or not I need to change,

      • Lilly January 6, 2014 at 10:33 pm #

        And you can, you really can. You have been. You are. Tomorrow is another day. Commit to starting over. You can do it. xx

  4. losedabooze January 6, 2014 at 10:32 pm #

    You certainly have a full plate of things going on and it’s no wonder that you are feeling as you are, but don’t be too hard on yourself. I agree with Lily on not getting stuck on the labels. As for reaching out to AA – give it a try and see. I have contemplated it at some points – but keep backing off as I really don’t like how they ‘label’ things and some of the terms they use just turns me off.

    One day at a time my friend and tomorrow is a NEW day. Sending hugs your way!


  5. primrosep January 6, 2014 at 11:01 pm #

    Dear FFF,

    Sending you lots of hugs. I don’t have a magic bullet for you either. I so wish I did.

    You said, ‘I want everyone to be giving me gold stars all the time, and that ain’t going to happen’.

    You carry your own starlight around inside you, sweetie. That little flame of you that can’t be put out however much booze you pour onto it. Cup that tiny spark in your hands. Protect it. Shield it from harsh winds. Feed it with good things and it will grow and warm you from the inside out and shine forth with the true brightness of you.

    Rest tonight and start building up your fire again tomorrow – we’ll all be here, looking forward to dancing around it with you! P Xx

  6. Mental Rollercoaster January 7, 2014 at 2:39 am #

    I agree that it’s no wonder you’re feeling so out of sorts – you’ve taken on A LOT in a short amount of time. I also agree with the suggestion to give AA a try. I too, had strong feelings against it before I got sober. For me (and I’m not saying this is the truth for you), all of my arguments against AA were a way to protect my addiction.

    Give a meeting a shot – it’s quite likely you’ll feel right at home surrounded by people who feel a lot like you do. Worst-case-scenario, you’ll have a cup of coffee and get a lot of hugs. 🙂

    There’s lots of support out there!

  7. paula spencer January 7, 2014 at 9:32 am #

    Put the past behind you. Take a breath and start over. View it as practice and you’ll get better at it. I was listening to Belle’s New Year’s audio and how one shouldn’t make changes when one is trying to not drink. Sometimes that isn’t possible because life keeps going on.
    Get the support you need. People are here to support you. I’m just starting over again myself. I can relate. We all can relate.
    Take care.

    • FitFatFood January 7, 2014 at 4:38 pm #

      Thank you Paula.

      Well it’s certainly noy easy, is it?

      We’ll get there. We will.

      A new day, a new start.

  8. soberjournalist January 7, 2014 at 10:19 am #

    I would also suggest you try AA. I went for a couple of weeks last summer and in the end decided it wasn’t for me and I felt I had enough support online. But I’m still pleased I went and I met some great people there. Plus you might hear something that just clicks with you. Good luck x

    • FitFatFood January 7, 2014 at 4:37 pm #

      Oh Kate what a state I’ve got into!

      I’m seeing Carrie tonight, to make sure I don’t drink tonight- yesterday was supposed to be Day 1 and I drank to get through the hangover.

      I can do this, I know somewhere realy deep inside me I have the strength, but I sure as hell haven’t been able to find it yet.

      I will find it, and I know deep down I’ll get a good sober streak soon that’s too good to give up, but today, all I can focus on is getting through the day.

      • soberjournalist January 7, 2014 at 4:41 pm #

        Oh I really feel for you. I did a LOT of stop starting in 2012 and it was a horrible time – I was constantly beating myself up for ‘failing’ yet at the same time drink was irresistible. I hope meeting Carrie helps. Say hi from me x

      • FitFatFood January 7, 2014 at 4:47 pm #

        I will do.

        And yes, you have this weird feeling that stopping isn’t worth it because you’ll just slip up again and have to go through all that pain again.

        Wren made a brilliant comment about having 2 choices, to choose ill health and depression and drinking or to choose sober life.

        Belle talks about a period of “drinking research” that we go through before we stop, and I have researched the hell out of moderation. I think I need to blog about it actually, to remind myself of what I’ve learnt.

        I was doing so well too! 40 days felt great 🙂 39 days to go until I beat my personal record…

  9. risingwoman January 7, 2014 at 11:02 am #

    Oh, I can feel your panic here. OK, sweetie – a few deep breaths.

    I think that Lilly hit many things on the head about the guy, and it may well be that him not being available is the best thing ever… he may have been a distraction, or a way of handing over some of the problem to someone else. That is why we aren’t to get in to new relationship for the first year, I think: the new person becomes The Answer. But the answer is inside of us, it’s not ‘out there’.

    Maybe check out AA. It absolutely cannot hurt to have a support group, a bunch of faces to connect to, a coffee buddy, maybe a sponsor. Try it. See if it works for you.

    And we’re here. No, we are maybe not enough. But we are here. Keep reaching out; we’ll catch you.

    • Shame Doesn't Define Me January 7, 2014 at 2:11 pm #

      Great advice. I also felt that way about a guy years ago. But, today if I am totally honest I feel that he offered what I had hoped for in myself: creative, witty, fun. We were also pretty hopped up on wine for most of our outings so go figure.
      Today is a new day. Breathe and know that we are all here for you.
      I found that AA is a great security blanket to catch me when I cannot be here, with my counselor or on the phone with a sober friend. Plus, I really needed to find people who didn’t drink. Up until two months ago, I did not know a soul barring my brother who didn’t drink. Being around people who see your day in and day out struggles is very helpful.
      Keep the faith.

      • FitFatFood January 7, 2014 at 4:33 pm #

        The guy issue is minimal, really, when I think about what else is going on in my head.

        Last night I was thinking how much drinking ruins, and put down him slipping through my fingers as just another sign that I’m a loser, which I know not to be true. I also know that I’m searching for emotional comfort in a man, which is not the way to go. I need to learn to stand on my own two feet. And stand firmly, sober, not wobbling around drunk.

    • FitFatFood January 7, 2014 at 4:35 pm #

      “The answer is inside of us”, I like that.

      I need to do everything I can to get through the next month or so. AA will be an experiment, and like you say, it can’t hurt.

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