Day 1 Day 1 Day 1

7 Jan

I can’t even bear to read back what I wrote last night. I was drunk and panicking. Now I’m sober and panicking. I look terrible. I feel terrible. Fuck, drinking is horrible.

Drinking is affecting my mind and my body and I need to get back to sobriety sharpish, otherwise I’ll get to an even darker place.

The feeling of overwhelm that drinking causes is just incredible. I feel like everything is crashing down on me. Although I know being sober doesn’t make the shit things go away, it helps my ability to deal with them. I just cannot bear the thought of having to get through that first horrible part of sobriety and deal with my feelings, but it’s that, or stay in this state that will drive me insane or ruin my health irreparably.

Why do we do things that don’t serve us? Why can’t we learn our lesson with alcohol? What madness is this?!

I’m making my life small and miserable and it has to stop. I posted the other day about how sociable drinking had been fine. It was true. But my solo drinking has been horrible and extreme and that fact is unavoidable. It’s been unavoidable for the past year, why haven’t I cracked this thing yet?

I just re-read my Gifts of Sobriety post that I wrote around 30 days into my last sober stint. I want some of that back. I know it’s possible. I’m going to let myself wallow in feeling shit for the next half and hour then get outside, get some fresh air and start over. Start being kind again.

Today is ANOTHER Day 1 and I don’t want to throw it away again. I want to sit tight through this week until I feel human again and then grip onto my sobriety hard. I need it, I deserve it. 


11 Responses to “Day 1 Day 1 Day 1”

  1. One day at a time January 7, 2014 at 1:43 pm #

    Oh, I really feel for you but please don’t beat yourself up about it. You’ve nipped it in the bud and it should be easier for you to get back on track. Those bad feelings are all the drink talking. It takes me two full days to start liking myself again. Get some fresh air. Look up at the sky and start thinking positive thoughts. You’re going to be ok. You don’t have to worry about reading last night’s blog. It isn’t bad at all. You didn’t say anything to be ashamed of. I know that feeling all too well. Every single Saturday and Sunday I would dread logging onto facebook to see what messages I’d sent people the night before. I’ve got myself into some serious shit. I’m surprised I’ve got the nerve to face people again half the time. Congratulations for picking yourself up and resolving to carry on.

    • FitFatFood January 7, 2014 at 4:34 pm #

      2 days. That’s true, and such a comforting thought. Thank you.

  2. wren1450 January 7, 2014 at 2:25 pm #

    Well, the panic sound in your writing has given way to just feeling down–which is good!!! That is alcohol’s depressive quality kicking in.
    Your idea of taking a walk and get fresh air and enjoying some nature is an excellent one. (Wouldn’t recommend that here today; in North Carolina, we are in this terrible Arctic air blast the US is suffering from).
    You have two choices, you know. They are pretty dramatic ones. Your health is really being compromised. As VERY difficult as it is, you can choose health and sobriety, or illness and possibly much worse. If you really want to be scared, sometime google how one can die from alcoholism.
    Look, I am on Day 9; I am no expert. But where I am is 100 percent better than where you are, so your post has helped me tremendously–and others, I am sure. Just think how you will feel in 9 short days…..SO much better.
    One word of advice: if I were in your shoes, I’d stay away from ALL drinking friends and situations for the next couple of weeks, no matter what invitations you have to turn down.

    Hang in there.
    Joan B.

    • FitFatFood January 7, 2014 at 4:31 pm #

      Brilliant advice Joan, especially the 2 choices.Why would I choose the drinking path, when you put it in those terms?! Thank you.

  3. jenisthesoberist January 7, 2014 at 3:14 pm #

    That is good advice (staying in as much as possible, avoid drinking places/people). Read a lot, drink lots of water. The first 3-4 days are the hardest. You can do this! It is hard to start over, but so necessary. We have all been there…I just wasn’t blogging when I would quit and start in the past. Big hugs.

    • FitFatFood January 7, 2014 at 4:30 pm #

      Thank you. I hate the feeling of failure but that will pass I’m sure.

  4. Lilly January 7, 2014 at 10:33 pm #

    And, again, this selfishly really helps me too because I so recognise that awful feeling of desperation one can feel post drinking – it is so horrible. Ugh. I ache for you reading this. So been there. So, so been there. It is so not worth it. But, yes, please try and stop beating yourself up. Many of us, myself included, have been through this over and over and not cracked it. It can take time and learning (painfully) from each fall. Just. Keep. Trying.

    Remember what I said … time to start focusing on the solution instead and that solution is getting back to your happy, sober place. xx

    • FitFatFood January 7, 2014 at 10:37 pm #

      Thank YOU- your post this morning helped me.

      Look what I wrote a year ago:

      I thought that stopping drinking was about just stopping drinking. It’s been a year of failures, all of which have brought me to this positive place where I know what my sober toolkit is, how and when to use it, and I just need to do the damn thing again.

      I’m back, you’re back and we have a sunny forecast for 2014 🙂

      • Lilly January 7, 2014 at 10:43 pm #

        Cheers to that! And don’t look at it as a year of failures, look at it as a year of learning…

        I feel disappointing I won’t be celebrating my one year completely sober in May after all. But I can still celebrate a year in which I learnt a LOT about myself and my drinking and so can you.

      • FitFatFood January 7, 2014 at 10:46 pm #

        That sounded more negative than intended 🙂 I think counting days is a bit dangerous- you’ve done amazingly and it’s not about chips or day counts but the journey 🙂

  5. Lilly January 7, 2014 at 10:58 pm #

    Yes, I agree, the day counting can become a trap. I don’t feel right back at square one because I’m not. Though I do still wish I’d just stayed on my sober streak, oh well, I am learning new things from all this. I am feeling much stronger and more positive again and I really hope you are soon too. xo

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