It’s ALL FINE

8 Jan

Day 2, I slept for 8 or 9 hours last night, I feel like a new person. The fog of hangover has lifted and I’ve got my positivity back. I have even started to think that the last nightmare few days have been an anomaly, a case of me being overdramatic about alcohol. 

How is it that our bodies and minds forget so quickly? 

When I’m sober, I feel like I’m definitely not an alcoholic, and when I drink, I know that I am. 

Today I’m going to my first AA meeting. I have to. I have to make my world about being sober for the next few months. I can’t go back to the place I’ve been stuck in so many times over the past year of weeks on and off alcohol, a constant rollercoaster. 

Here’s the things I know about what to expect about the next few weeks that might make me slip up:

  • My addiction will trick me into thinking life is ok, and that drinking is ok, and just a bit of fun. I know it is not.
  • I will need alot of sleep.
  • I will get anxious as hell, and running will help that.
  • I need to avoid the 4pm desperation at work by getting fresh air at lunchtime and using my SAD lamp to help lift the blues.
  • I will go to my doctor as planned, but may be tempted to scale down the size of my problem. I need to be brave and honest.
  • It will get worse before it gets better. I’m just happy today not to be hungover, it won’t always feel this good. I have other issues I need to work through that I squish with drinking and I need to accept that this will be hard.
  • I shouldn’t try and be The Best Sober Person ever, as Carrie advised me. Last time I was unwilling to sacrifice my parties and social life for sobriety, because I thought being alone sober would make me more likely to drink. While I wasn’t tempted to drink whilst out, and could still dance all night and have tonnes of fun, the December onslaught of nights out with work, friends and family left me utterly exhausted until I cracked. I need to protect my sobriety more carefully. To change my life so that I can change my destructive habits. This will be hard, but is important. 
  • There is no magic cure. I once believed stopping drinking would be easy, and that it with solve all my other problems in life. It isn’t and hasn’t but I choose this path over drunken hell.

I’m looking forward to AA, I think. I’m terrified I won’t actually be able to walk through the door, but I know which meeting I’m planning on going to, and what do I have to lose?

 

 

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18 Responses to “It’s ALL FINE”

  1. losedabooze January 8, 2014 at 12:47 pm #

    Good luck with your first meeting. You are doing the right thing!!

  2. momma bee January 8, 2014 at 12:55 pm #

    Go go go! You can do it. This is the best step for you! Also be honest with the MD…. Write it down if your afraid and hand it to the MD. I was honest and she was so understanding! It felt so good afterwards! Good luck!

  3. wren1450 January 8, 2014 at 1:15 pm #

    Going to my first AA meeting was one of the hardest things I ever did. I still go about twice a week because my home group has such wonderful people. Good luck. Am so glad you are feeling better.

  4. Amina C January 8, 2014 at 1:50 pm #

    You are doing the right thing! You will also see the amount of activities people in AA do. Best wishes and remember the support you have here too 🙂

  5. One day at a time January 8, 2014 at 2:36 pm #

    Good luck with AA. You’re a braver person than me. I’m too terrified to go and admit my problem to everybody. Please, let me know how you get on and I might contemplate it myself.

    • FitFatFood January 8, 2014 at 4:29 pm #

      I’ll post about it if I pluck up the courage.

  6. Mental Rollercoaster January 8, 2014 at 3:22 pm #

    Big applause! I hope the meeting goes well for you. You may be amazed at how comforting it is to sit in a room full of people who understand what you’re feeling. It’s so easy for us to think we’re going nuts and there’s rarely people around us to talk to (who would understand). Good luck!

  7. margaretmccole January 8, 2014 at 6:29 pm #

    Walk through that door, terrifying as it is. I have never left an AA meeting without something to take home and help me on my journey. X

  8. Lilly January 8, 2014 at 11:22 pm #

    I know that feeling so well, of one day feeling like hell on earth and the next thinking it’s all fine – as you know, I have been struggling with some of that lately. I call it alcoholic amnesia and it does seem to be Wolfie’s way of fooling us into drinking again.

    I’m sure I don’t need to remind you of this but you know, you KNOW. Drinking 2 bottles on your own is not ok, nor is it an anomaly. This WILL just get worse. You are doing the right thing.

    AA may or may not be the answer but you have NOTHING to lose by trying. Why don’t you commit to going to a certain amount of meetings (3? 6? 12? – anything more than just one, one isn’t enough to really tell if it’s for you IMHO) and posting about them and see how you feel? You won’t be locked in. You can stop going at any time. But it will cost you nothing but time and might actually be amazing.

    Big hugs and be brave my friend!

    Lilly x

    • FitFatFood January 9, 2014 at 12:17 pm #

      Thanks Lily.

      So true about the 2 bottles thing. When you see it on paper in black and white that is not good.

      And I think AA might be for me! I liked the human contact with other people struggling 🙂

  9. sobermalarky January 9, 2014 at 11:10 am #

    I stopped and started again until I went to AA. I didn’t keep up because I don’t agree with the process but for me it was step one (recognizing you are powerless over alcohol) plus finding out there are so many people in the same boat, that finally made it stick. I think you will find it highly rewarding. I recommend trying to find a women’s group if you can. Despite not agreeing with everything taught, I couldn’t have got here without AA, so I think you are making a very powerful and brave decision. All blessings on you.

    • FitFatFood January 9, 2014 at 12:16 pm #

      Great tip on the women’s group- I enjoyed last night but the male dominated environment was more intimidating than I expected it to be.

      • sobermalarky January 9, 2014 at 12:33 pm #

        It’s good to listen at a mixed meeting but I’ve never spoken at one. Women’s meetings are really good (but in all cases, stay out of the politics and cliques, they will depress you no end) I hope you heard some stuff that was useful, if not do try another one!

  10. Rebecca A. Watson January 9, 2014 at 12:12 pm #

    Best wishes to you! When I quit I went to AA several times a week and got a service position…I made coffee 🙂 Sometimes I hated it and sometimes I loved it, but I kept going until I moved to a country where they don’t speak English. Frankly, I think it’s what helped me over the hump. Every one is different and no approach to quitting is “wrong” just maybe not for you, or the next person. You’ll find what works 🙂 I think Lilly is right. Commit to a certain number of meetings. The first one I went to was NOT my scene and I didn’t want to go back. Good luck girlie! You can do it 🙂

    • FitFatFood January 9, 2014 at 12:15 pm #

      I did and it was great!

      Thanks for the encouragement. I went to a very male group which I’ll go back to, but also will try a few others- there’s a young AA group near me and a women’s one.

      • Rebecca A. Watson January 9, 2014 at 1:04 pm #

        I found my favorites were the women’s groups. It’s so nice to feel that nurturing love that a group of like-minded females can give. Enjoy exploring!

      • FitFatFood January 9, 2014 at 5:21 pm #

        I will 🙂

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