To the Streets or a Penthouse

17 Jan

Yesterday, I posted about my anger regarding a conversation I’d had with someone who questioned whether my drinking was a problem. I’d mulled over whether or not to post it, but the one thing I promised myself when I started blogging was that I’d be 100% honest. That I’d be as warts and all as I can about my feelings as a means of a) getting in touch with them and b) keeping track of how my moods and difficult feelings change as I journey through sobriety so I can reflect on what, for me, makes a situation better or worse.

The comments were supportive, and some did challenge my view, which I’m thankful for. What I already knew was reiterated- that I have to take full responsibility for my actions. And I do. But I needed to articulate my frustration at the idea that if you don’t end up in the gutter then you don’t have a problem. It undoes all the positive messages around alcoholism being a problem that anyone can suffer from. As someone put it yesterday in my AA meeting: “it can take you to the streets or it can take you to a posh penthouse, but it’s still destructive, still hell for us who suffer.”

I didn’t intent to place blame or deflect responsibility from myself, but to remind everyone who dispenses support or ‘advice’ that they do so carefully and with sensitivity.

So, today is a new day, my anger has subsided into acceptance- yes I do have a problem, yes it’s not fair, yes I am doing everything in my power to manage it. I’m quite pleased, in a way, that I felt anger, because it’s an emotion I’m not that familiar with, and it felt cathartic to get it onto the page. 

I had plenty of sleep last night, a glorious run in a thunderstorm and am trusting that today, everything will be ok. As long as I sleep, run, eat chocolate and go to AA, all will be well. 

Happy Friday!



9 Responses to “To the Streets or a Penthouse”

  1. wren1450 January 17, 2014 at 1:07 pm #

    Great email. You sound fantastic–so much better than in emails a few weeks ago. Running in a thunderstorm–that sounds glorious! Have a wonderful and peaceful weekend.

  2. Jane January 17, 2014 at 1:42 pm #

    You’re quite right to vent your anger/frustration here. We’re all on the same rollercoaster ride. If you can’t share it with us – people going through the same struggles – then where do you turn? I’ve had a similar experience, where my brain translated something a good friend said to me, into assurance that it was ok to start drinking again. It’s best that people be on guard and know how easy it is to be fooled . Yes, I know we’re responsible for our own sobriety but sometimes our alcoholic brain is just waiting to pounce on another chance to drink. I don’t blame my friend at all but I am so annoyed with myself for letting it happen. I could have been so much closer to my 100 days now.

    • FitFatFood January 17, 2014 at 3:58 pm #

      Me too- I would be on day 70-ish now! Argh!

      Oh well, I’m glad we have this forum to vent on 🙂

      I hope you have a lovely weekend ahead x

  3. Mental Rollercoaster January 17, 2014 at 4:32 pm #

    It’s amazing what can happen when we work through an emotion. So many of us alcoholics are used to stuffing emotions in a box and leaving them be. However, by blogging about your anger for the situation, it sounds like you were able to work through it, look at it from different angles, and properly move forward. Fantastic!!

    • FitFatFood January 17, 2014 at 4:57 pm #

      Ahhh yes! You’re so right! I hadn’t thought about it like this but absolutely 🙂

      Onward I move.

  4. lucy2610 January 17, 2014 at 6:16 pm #

    Glad you’re in a less angry place today. I learned a lesson and wished it hadn’t been at your expense x

  5. carrythemessage January 17, 2014 at 9:05 pm #

    Park Avenue or park bench…it’s all the same, as the illness comes from between the ears, not the address 🙂

    Glad you’re in a better place!


  6. Glenn January 19, 2014 at 7:38 pm #

    That you are being honest and introspective is what is helpful for this reader to remain present and grounded.
    I had one foot in the gutter and the other on a banana peel and being no stranger to alcoholism I know what it is like to see my perspectives shift in recovery and am happy to see the better side of life with sober eyes.
    I am also happy to read the thoughts that you share here. I wish for you continued health and success.

  7. Lisa Neumann January 20, 2014 at 4:23 pm #

    Yes, always good to vent. We see our thinking when we vent AND most of the time get encouragement and support back. ( At least that has been my experience) the worst choice I ever made in sobriety was to keep my mouth shut and let the thoughts explode within.

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