I have been doing brilliantly this week, happy, feeling very sober, thrilled to be over a month without a drink but WOW today I have been wrestling Mr Wolfie like mad.
All I want to do is fall face first into a mega glass of wine (you know the goblets that hold pretty much half a bottle? One of those). Why? I have no idea.
In a bid to make sure I relax a bit and get enough rest after a mad week at work, I’ve been quite isolated this weekend. I think that has something to do with it. I’m also at the point which I’ve learnt, for me, is the classic “I wasn’t that bad really” point- just over a month sober.
I’ve been to a lot of AA meeting this week, but I haven’t been engaging with the principles of it outside the meetings. So the One Day at A Time approach, which I know works, has gone out of the window. I’ve become a bit obsessed with not being able to share a bottle of wine with an (imaginary) future date, which is not helpful. I don’t even have any prospect of a date any time soon!
I’ve also been watching a lot of House of Cards where there is ALOT of alcohol. Despite one of the characters being an alcoholic which should put me off drinking, the seemingly endless casual glasses of wine portrayed on screen seem really appealing. This is just nonsense, to get triggered by a TV programme, but it’s reminded me how dangerous it is when the seed of drinking is planted.
I’m staying strong and am leaving for a meeting in the next half an hour, which will buy me one more sober day. I cannot have a Day 1, not now. There is just no point. I know I don’t want to carry on drinking and have to stop, so why ruin my momentum AGAIN.
Next week I’m going to focus on coming out of my sober bubble a little so I feel less isolated at the weekend, and planning lots of nice sober activities to look forward to.
I’ve settled on a treat that I’m saving up for if I make it to 3 months sober- a set of personal training lessons to start strength training and shake up my exercise routine a bit, which I’m REALLY looking forward to and today, the thought of denying myself that treat has pushed me through.
Alcohol eh? Cunning, baffling, powerful.
But I’ll stay sober today.
FitFatFood- Blogging to Stay Sober 
Good job pushing through it and giving yourself something to look forward to! I’m right there with you at the moment… in that time period where I start to think ‘I wasn’t that bad,’ etc. For me it’s between 2-3 weeks. Comes from boredom I guess? A longing for those moments I remember with rose colored glasses? And definitely the imaginary future circumstance where I can’t imagine not drinking. A recipe for the “fuck its,” for sure. But yes, the thought of another day 1 is so depressing, right? You are doing great. Keep it up!
It’s that thought of another day 1 that’s keeping me going too. I don’t want to go back there even though those dreadful memories are fading. Keep going, you’re doing great. Do anything to get yourself through one more day. If it gets too much an early night works a treat.
It’s just wolfie trying to take that one month momentum from you and spoil your sober happiness. You are really good at identifying early your triggers and you need to listen to that part of yourself who knows what is good for you. Love the sober treat idea, a great incentive to keep going. You deserve this, what you do not need is to bang yourself over the head with a bottle or two of wine and feel like shit tomorrow. Hang in there…glad you are going to a meeting, hope it helps. xxxx
I perfectly understand about the cravings coming out of nowhere. Today, I had company visiting and did not think I would have any problem with alcohol, and I did not–until they left. Then, I wanted a glass(es) of wine to relax. I just hope it will not be a constant battle like this, although I have had the habit of drinking for a long time. Your upcoming treat sounds terrific!
Joan B.
I often want to go back to drinking when I am feeling good, when things are going well, because the negative bit of my brain that then gets me into that self-punishing/striving mode is less active. One of the downsides of developing self-compassion is that the kind of discipline required to not drink can become an inadvertent casualty. So, this might not apply to you, but for me, it has been a question of ‘reprogramming’ how I approach the task of not drinking. Instead of thinking as it as something I should do, and if I don’t I am a failure, I have to remind myself that it is something I want to do for me, for me to feel at my best. That it is something I want to do and that feels good for me. And I try and hold onto that.
I can’t fail to marvel at how strong and honest you are. Keep going with doing what feels like the best thing for you – if that is coming out of your bubble, then go for it, knowing you can go back whenever it becomes the right thing for you again 🙂
one of the things I was most surprised by when I did a lot of looking at relapse in a post I did recently was how often relapse happens when things are going well. Counter-intuitive – hell yeah – but that can only catch us if we’re not expecting it. I am so so happy for you that AA is helping – really, really pleased. Well done for scheduling a meeting and hope it helped! I sometimes think riding the wave of addiction is like dealing with car sickness – keep looking out of the front window and it WILL pass! xxx
Love your attitude and that you are maintaining your momentum. Remembering Day 1 strengthens my resolve. Good for you for getting through the tough moments. xx
Joyce
Personal trainer? Hell yeah. Don’t let wolfie gobble them up! xx