Day by Day

20 Feb

This week has been a bit of a struggle. Not with cravings explicitly, but the niggling feeling that a drink would make everything better. I 100% know that in reality, that wouldn’t be the case.

Now that the booze fog is well and truly out of the way, at 5 weeks sober, other feelings are starting to surface. The uncomfortable nature of clarity. The curious sensation of being able to look into the mirror and examine what you see unfettered by shame. The experience of raw emotions.

It’s so easy to ignore things when you’re drinking. In some ways, it’s a mirror image of the AA principle “one day at a time.” You’re advised to “keep it in the day” rather than thinking about the possibility of never drinking again. So often when you’re fighting a hangover (particularly at work) all you can do is hope to get through the day in one piece. I took my drinking very much one day at a time, choosing to ignore future consequences, the number of days I’d drunk before hand, the effect it would have in the morning.

When you’re in early sobriety, all you want to do is get through the day without a drink. Now, I’m into a sober routine that’s working. I’m dealing with cravings, I’m going to AA regularly, I’m still reading sober blogs daily. Sobriety is slowly becoming part of the fabric of my life, and now my attention is turning to the other things I want to address.

Things are pretty good- I’ve just bought a flat, marathon training is going well and I feel some form of happiness every day. But my job, which I have chosen to ignore as a source of discontent, is becoming more and more of a worry to me.

All the big questions are coming up this week “who am I? Does this career suit me? Can I do this job for the rest of my life? How do I change things up? Am I just being the eternally unsatisfied alcoholic? Have I created a life than is better than I realise?”

Understandably, it’s all a bit overwhelming, and all I can do now is to stay solid and sober and manage the overwhelm. To start to address these questions slowly. Not to rush things. Not to threaten my precarious sobriety.

I asked a lovely lady who’s been vital in my first few weeks of AA to be my sponsor last night, and she said yes! This is a huge weight off my shoulders- I trust her, admire her and think I need to get started on the steps.

I’ll focus on these for now, not my big life questions or my job. Working through the steps will be a journey of self discovery and I think that if I prioritise that, maybe, just maybe, everything else will fall into place. For now, I’ll trust that It will, and that soothes me.

Happy Thursday!

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14 Responses to “Day by Day”

  1. momma bee February 20, 2014 at 11:26 am #

    I am so happy to hear things are falling into place! I think working the steps will help direct your future career path~

    I believe your on the right path and I am so happy for you.

    Hugs
    MB

  2. Shame Doesn't Define Me February 20, 2014 at 1:19 pm #

    Great work here, One of the things I have been told in AA is not to make any major changes the first year of sobriety, which includes changes a job. I like how you question if it’s just the proverbial insatiability that comes with alcoholism. I, too, was very disgruntled in my job. As I work the steps more, I have (shock!) discovered my job is pretty great and that it was MY attitude that needed to be adjusted. I am not saying this is true for you; but I was certainly unaware of the chaos I was creating to stay in a crabby mood- only to blame my job and not my alcoholism for my unhappiness. Keep up the good fight; you’re doing great.
    Linda

    • FitFatFood February 21, 2014 at 10:03 am #

      So good to hear this Linda- really useful to hear someone else’s experience.

      Thank you.

  3. wren1450 February 20, 2014 at 1:34 pm #

    You ARE doing great. I second what Linda wrote above….take everything slowly. Maybe a job/career change is in order, but later. I love what you wrote that your drinking was “one day at a time,” with no thought of the consequences the next day. That was exactly like me, also.
    Joan B.

  4. girlonthelearn February 20, 2014 at 4:20 pm #

    I, too, love your insight that we drank one day at a time!! That is so very true, only thinking about surviving work with an awful hangover and not stepping back and seeing the picture of what was happening to our lives on a larger scale. I’m interested to see what you decide about work. I totally get that making big changes in early sobriety can be dangerous. For me personally, over time and numerous bouts of sobriety followed by lengthy slips, I finally realized that my job was so toxic for me that it was hurting my attempts at sobriety so I left. Scary, yes. Maybe ill-advised, since when I was sober I definitely did enjoy my job more. But ultimately it was too tied into my drinking cycle and leaving was the healthy choice. I say, listen to your sober instinct, don’t decide anything too spontaneously, and you’ll find what the right answer is. My mom always called that inner voice your “god voice.” I think if we listen to ourselves and we keep hearing the same thing, that ultimately we know what’s right. Keep up the good work!!

    • FitFatFood February 21, 2014 at 10:01 am #

      I love “listen to your sober instinct.”

      I’m learning to listen to it and recognise what it’s saying, whereas before I didn’t trust myself to know the difference between fact and Wolfie Fiction.

      No rash moves though!

  5. lucy2610 February 20, 2014 at 4:29 pm #

    FFF – I was struck by the bit ‘eternally unsatisfied alcoholic’. Mr Hangoverfree isn’t happy in his job either but then in all the time we’ve been together he’s never liked a job he’s had. But for the first time in the over 5 months that he’s not drank he said last night that it made him want to drink. I guess it’s more of a question but I assumed it was part of him but maybe it is part of the alcohol thing too? Great news on the sponsor 🙂 xx

    • FitFatFood February 21, 2014 at 9:52 am #

      Interesting- not sure how it will work out for me, need more time between myself and that last drink!

  6. primrosep February 20, 2014 at 9:10 pm #

    good news on your sponsor! That feeling of overwhelm is very familiar to me. I think when we take the booze fog away everything can seem a bit LOUD AND SHOUTY for a bit. Or too Technicolor perhaps? I know that I need a lot more solitude now than I used to simply to process all these emotions that I used to just drown in the booze. The more time you give it the more sure you will be of your reasons behind any change you do decide to make. You are doing so well, am so pleased that AA is suiting you! xx

    • FitFatFood February 21, 2014 at 9:49 am #

      Ahh thanks!

      Love the caps on LOUD AND SHOUTY- made me giggle!

  7. iamsobernow February 22, 2014 at 3:03 pm #

    Great post on making big decisions in early sobriety. The comments have been helpful too! 🙂 I’m at 11 weeks and facing job issues. I’m going to have to re-think my plan after reading all of this. I’m barely into AA and I haven’t chosen a sponsor yet. Things are feeling “LOUD AND SHOUTY” (thanks Primrose!). Not the best place to be to make a big decision.

    Congratulations on your 5 weeks of sobriety and the choice of a sponsor. You are doing great! Hugs.
    Joyce

    • FitFatFood February 24, 2014 at 9:02 pm #

      Ohh it’s a LOUD AND SHOUTY day today but I’m getting there 🙂 Thanks Joyce x

Trackbacks/Pingbacks

  1. February 20 -13 days sober | The Wren - February 20, 2014

    […]  do that now.   As stated in fitfatfood.wordpress.com/2014/02/20/day-by-day/, I drank very much “one day at a time” with no thought of the consequences.  Now, I […]

  2. Denial | FitFatFood- Blogging to Stay Sober - June 25, 2015

    […] or what I should be eating to be my best self. I feel as confused as when I once wrote about alcohol clouding what I really want in life, I feel like this obsessive cycle I’m caught in is dragging me into the abyss once […]

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