Glowing not Sparkling

23 Feb

I’ve had a lovely weekend. I went to 2 gigs ran 20 miles on a beautiful spring day and napped a lot.

On paper, it was fantastic. I really enjoyed it. I felt so grateful to be sober. 

My energy levels are through the roof and JESUS I looked at my nails this afternoon and they are shiny! I never even knew nails could be shiny! I’m the “vision of health”, as a colleague put it, which made me feel pretty great!

BUT. 

But I miss the confidence boost drinking gave me. I went to the gig last night with a man I’ve being seeing for months, a really strange Friends with Benefits situation that has evolved. I enjoy his company, but I’m not 100% relaxed around him. Like so often when we go out, last night I wished I could drink so that the conversation would flow more freely, so I could dance less self consciously. 

And then I realised that I’m not a quiet person around the RIGHT people. Around the right people I’m chatty and bubbly. Around the wrong people (read: wrong men) I get quiet and a little withdrawn and want the artificial boost of booze to make me be more me. A better, shinier sparklier me. 

I know this man isn’t right for a relationship and we enjoy each other’s occasional company without any emotional side effects. I’m happy with things as they are, in part because it’s fulfilling the need for male company and stopping me seeking out a “proper” relationship which I know would be a threat to my sobriety right now. Whilst it’s fun, we both acknowledge we’re each others stop gap people, and that’s probably not very healthy. 

If I’m going to be sober long term, I need to surround myself with people that make me feel whole without the booze. Of course there will always be work/family/friendship situations where you feel a little “less than”, a need for the kind of boost that alcohol gave us. That’s just life and the natural ebbs and flows of confidence that come with it. But I never want to hide behind booze again when getting to know someone new. I want them to like me for who I am, not the Merlot Mask I’m wearing. 

This is all a work in progress. I’ll keep tabs on this man situation and stay in touch with how it’s making me feel. If he needs to go, he needs to go.

40 days sober today. It feels bloody brilliant. 

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15 Responses to “Glowing not Sparkling”

  1. Shame Doesn't Define Me February 23, 2014 at 11:56 pm #

    Girl, You are well on your way. I love your introspective honesty; that’s so awesome. You tell on yourself, acknowledge your flaws, and move on. Such good stuff here! Keep on keeping on!

    • FitFatFood February 24, 2014 at 9:00 pm #

      I’m on my way?! HU-BLOODY-RAH! 😀

      It’s taken a while to get here, but it makes sense to me this time.

      Thank you x

  2. 365reasons2sober February 24, 2014 at 3:26 am #

    I had a guy 13 years younger than me ask me out yesterday for drinks. I agreed to coffee. But before meeting up, he confessed he was poly and just looking for sex. A year ago, I might have agreed and used booze to make me okay with it. The sober me knew I would not be okay with it so told him nevermind.

    I was thinking today “I am gonna have a lot less sex in my sober life” but that also means I will be a lot safer and none of the problems that followed my drunk one night stands.

    I’m on day 33. A week behind you. 🙂

    • FitFatFood February 24, 2014 at 9:00 pm #

      That’s so brilliant- good on you!

      And it’s great to have someone so close to me in sobriety- we can do this 🙂

  3. Binki February 24, 2014 at 6:19 am #

    Love your posts, so enoying reading about your journey. Am reblogging this on sobernoodles xxx

  4. Binki February 24, 2014 at 6:19 am #

    Reblogged this on sobernoodles and commented:
    Huge Congratulations FFF xxx

  5. graysgrogblog February 24, 2014 at 7:26 am #

    Fabulous! Keep it up! :o)
    G x

  6. carrieonsober February 24, 2014 at 9:02 am #

    If you’re glowing after 40 days, imagine what 80 might look like on you?!
    Sounds like you have got the well being plan that’s working for you which is a result!
    Uncomplicated companionship sounds just fine for now. It’s really hard to put yourself first when in a new exciting relationship and when that does come along you’ll be strong and sparkling too.
    Glowing’s good, you’ve worked hard for that, enjoy it 🙂

    • FitFatFood February 24, 2014 at 9:22 am #

      On day 80 I will morph into a super model Carrie 😉

      Thanks and I’m enjoying the benefits of all that hard work and struggling!

  7. Lisa Neumann February 24, 2014 at 3:20 pm #

    20 miles … I’m envious. Why didn’t I get out for more? You’re a good motivator for me.

    Men and booze … Keep falling in love with you and the right man arrives. Stop falling in love with you and things stay the same.

    lots of love, lisa

    • FitFatFood February 24, 2014 at 8:59 pm #

      Thanks for that wisdom Lisa 🙂

  8. lucy2610 February 24, 2014 at 8:49 pm #

    Waving the sober pom poms over here 🙂 So proud lovely xx

  9. Odysseus300 February 25, 2014 at 7:12 pm #

    Congratulations on 40 days. Seriously.

    Also I noticed that as I became used to ‘sober me’ that level of discomfort is just you reading the situation clearly without the fog of booze. Learn to embrace it and listen to it. It’s a good indicator.

  10. nomorewine4me February 26, 2014 at 2:34 am #

    Good for your, keep on keeping on. Morphing is good.
    Sharon

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