Uh oh

28 Feb

I’ve packed, I’m sitting amongst boxes and for the last 2 hours I’ve been battling serious cravings.

Packing, apparently, is a trigger. It brings up memories of champagne and the celebration of moving. We have vodka in the house. I opened the bottle and smelt it. It was disgusting.

I was trying to put myself off the idea of taking a drink, but it’s backfired. I want to drink more now.

I’ve text my sponsor who I know is in a meeting, am listening to an episode of the bubble hour and waiting for 8pm when my removal van will arrive.

It just shows how changeable and dangerous my alcoholism is. This morning I felt calm(ish) and stable. Now I’m pretty much crawling the walls.

If I drank now, I would have time to get as drunk as I want to, would sit in the van frustrated and spend my first night in my friend’s house plotting how to drink. I’d awake in my new home feeling shitty. I know that I’d drink tomorrow too, and probably Sunday.

Writing helps. Playing the tape forward helps.

I’m staying here. Praying for the strength to get through.

4 Responses to “Uh oh”

  1. Binki February 28, 2014 at 7:38 pm #

    Stay strong, it will be worth it xxx

  2. thirstystill February 28, 2014 at 8:09 pm #

    Sending you good wishes from Canada. Moving, packing, smelling booze, that would be a perfect storm for me. Good for you, posting, texting sponsor, hanging onto those walls instead of drinking. You can do this! Smell is so overpowering, it bypasses the thinking mind or something. But good for you for seeing the booze-mind thinking and not giving in!!! Peace and strength to you. xo

  3. Chris H March 1, 2014 at 6:51 am #

    Hope you are doing ok today.

  4. primrosep March 1, 2014 at 7:03 am #

    I hope too that you are ok today and that the move went smoothly? Xx

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