Resetting the Sobriety Counter

2 Mar

I am actually shaking.

I’ve just woken up from a dream where I drank, blacked out and woke up the next morning filled with shame. It was so vivid, I was necking red wine just like I used to, but as would sometimes happen when I drank out in public, I’d get carried away with how much I could handle and embarrass myself.

The dream has brought back memories of one of my most shameful drinking incidents where at a very close friends wedding I completely lost control in the last hour of the event, deciding the steady all day drinking hadn’t been enough and that 3 large glasses of wine would see me off.

It did.

That was one of the few blackouts I experienced. I woke up in my best friends bed, half dressed. He’d carried me up there, watched me be sick all over the hotel bathtub and tried to get me undressed but my limbs were too heavy.

The next morning facing that wedding party was horrible. I felt then as I did when I woke up this morning, the horror of having lost control.

It was interesting what worried me most when I woke up from my drinking dream. It wasn’t what I’d done, but the thought of resetting my sobriety counter that sits at 47 days. I’ve worked so bloody hard for that, and learnt from previous experiences that when you drink again you don’t just pick up from where you left your sobriety, you have the raw pain of starting from square one again.

So this morning as I type this in my new pretty abode, the spring sun streaming its gentle glow through the window, I remember why all the discomfort of early sobriety is worth it.
It’s the most precious thing in my life because when I’m sober I have a strength and an integrity I never had drinking. I’ve worked too hard to throw it all away and press reset.

Happy Sunday to you all!

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10 Responses to “Resetting the Sobriety Counter”

  1. wren1450 March 2, 2014 at 1:04 pm #

    Beautiful. Thanks so much for sharing. I wrote to Belle that I don’t know why this time seems to be sticking for me, but certainly one of the reasons is not wanting to start at day 1 again, just like you wrote. This time, re-starting, the cravings have been quite difficult. I don’t want to start over with that again.
    Hmmmmm….I would have to think about my worst drinking experience. There are so many. You definitely had alcohol poisoning the time you mentioned. Thank heavens you could get it out of your system.

  2. soberlearning March 2, 2014 at 3:02 pm #

    You have had a lot of change in your life in the past few days. I am sure your subconscious mind is reacting to all of your stress. Think of it as a warning shot fired over the bow. Your mind and body don’t want you to go back. Back to shame, vomit and self loathing. Keep moving forward, you are doing awesome.
    I agree with both you and wren1450, I DO NOT want to see day one, or week one EVER again. (That really sucked b***s, and was tough to get through.)
    Stay Strong!

  3. iamsobernow March 2, 2014 at 3:22 pm #

    What an amazing week you’ve had and you’ve navigated it brilliantly! I’ve had a roller coaster week and your sparkling (yes sparkling) results are an inspiration to me!

    Happy Sunday to you in your new place. Joyce

    • FitFatFood March 2, 2014 at 8:58 pm #

      Thank you SO much Joyce. That comment just made me appreciate what a week it has indeed been, and pat myself on the back for making it through.

  4. jenisthesoberist March 2, 2014 at 6:11 pm #

    I had a really vivid drinking dream the other night, too… one of my first! It was so scary, but the relief from realizing it was just a dream was fantastic. Let’s just stay sober and not have to worry about blacking out ever again, okay? 🙂 xx

  5. lucy2610 March 2, 2014 at 9:11 pm #

    Amazing FFF. You did it 🙂

  6. carrieonsober March 2, 2014 at 9:30 pm #

    Been there with those dreams, awful. Makes you realise how much those precious days mean. Your sober muscles have had quite the workout this past week and are looking good!
    Hope you had a relaxing Sunday after all that upheaval!
    X

  7. themiracleisaroundthecorner March 5, 2014 at 3:34 pm #

    I am late to this party, somehow I missed this post. No question, those dreams completely suck, I am hopeful by the time you are reading this comment that you are well beyond it.

    I am totally like you, with regard to my sobriety date. It is, really and truly, one of the top three things that keep me sober. I never really understood the position that “whoever got up earliest this morning has the most time sober.” It doesn’t work that way for me… my time, each day, is a huge accomplishment, and the thought of giving it up horrifies me.

    Congratulations on… I’m guessing it is 50 days if I am calculating correctly? Brilliant work, my friend!

Trackbacks/Pingbacks

  1. Vacation Dreams (aka Nutty Vacation Sleeps) | mentalrollercoaster - March 3, 2014

    […] brings on these vivid dreams? It seems as though we all experience them; FitFatFood recently blogged about a similar lucid dream. Was I more concerned about potential temptations than I […]

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