Appetite for Destruction

21 Mar

As you get further and further from Day 1, the stakes get higher. You have more to lose if you drink.

Right now, that doesn’t bother me. I want to drink. I’m battling a craving of epic proportions, that’s been bubbling up all week.

I have this overwhelming desire for a bit of chaos. I’m not quite sure where it’s coming from, or why, but it’s been incrementally building over a week or so.

Last weekend, I met some lovely fellow sober bloggers, and we sat outside in the sunshine and despite being in lovely sober company, my desire to drink was there. I think the sunshine was a trigger. Ridiculous right? But true. After they departed, I took myself straight off to an AA meeting, and the desire went away. But all week, it’s grown and grown.

I don’t think it’s specifically a craving for alcohol I have, but to do something naughty, to let loose a bit. I think the fact I have a running injury and can’t pound the streets is making things worse, as I’ve got no way to let off steam.

I’ve sent out an SOS call to other AA people and am trying to meet my sponsor later today. I’ve got a cinema trip booked tonight to stop me drinking. I hope it works.

This is my emergency call to you fellow bloggers. I feel as accountable to you all now who read and comment and help me as I do to myself. This is me out-ing myself as a not very sober sober blogger, which is what I am today. I know it will pass. I just have to cling on.

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27 Responses to “Appetite for Destruction”

  1. wren1450 March 21, 2014 at 11:59 am #

    Well, obviously(!) I have been where you are with cravings. The difference with me and where you are is that you have an excellent support system in place. I think that, so far, you have done very well–gone to AA meeting(s), met with sober bloggers, planned an evening not involving drinking. And you have “emergency” measures in place:call people from AA, etc. I would have a couple more quick ideas around: maybe print out a couple of really good blog postings that have helped you before? Someone who recently started the 100-day challenge just wrote that she was about to take a drink, and then she remembered the pledge she signed, I.e. That she will not take a drink for 100 days “no matter what.” I had forgotten that phrase in the pledge!
    Good luck. Keep writing. I am thinking about you.
    Joan B.

    • FitFatFood March 22, 2014 at 11:47 am #

      I just re-read the 100 day pledge that I’ve broken so many times! I have 33 days until 100, why ruin it now eh Joan?! 😉

  2. carrieonsober March 21, 2014 at 12:41 pm #

    Sometimes there is nothing else you can do but dig in and wait for the bastard to pass. Talking…saying it out loud really helps me to make sense of it all and how ridiculous and self destructive my thoughts are. Like you would really blow everything you’ve worked so hard on for a bottle of wine, a horrendous hangover and a battered self esteem. Your injury would still be there, sun might still be shining but you would feel worse than the little bit ansty you are experiencing now.
    Cinema’s a good plan, can you bike ride? Early morning ride through London would be a nice Sat treat?
    Chocolate…? Sober first, that’s what counts.
    You can do it!
    Xx

    • FitFatFood March 22, 2014 at 11:48 am #

      Thanks for all your suggestions yesterday lovely Carrie. They actually did all publish as comments and they worked 🙂 x x x x

      • carrieonsober March 22, 2014 at 8:30 pm #

        Great!! So good to hear that you are ok. Xx

  3. carrieonsober March 21, 2014 at 12:48 pm #

    Argh!! Lost comment!
    Anyway, you can do this!
    That ansty feeling will pass and it’s not worth drinking for. Result would be a stinking hangover and battered self esteem. You’d still have a sore foot, but a sore head, tummy, liver too!
    Cinema will be fun, have some chocolate. And if you can ride, maybe an early morning bikeride round London on a Sat morning, followed by a treat brunch.
    You have come so far, keep moving forward, even when it hurts (bit like marathon training 🙂
    Xx

  4. Lilly March 21, 2014 at 12:51 pm #

    Oh big hugs to you sweetheart. I have to admit I have been fighting cravings myself and telling myself more or less what Carrie wrote – it would only leave us feeling like shit and also that if you on just dig in now it WILL pass. It definitely will.

    Please remember my recent experience too… When you drink again you really can’t know just how long it will take you to get back to happily sober. Is it worth that? Really? Really really?

    Also, go back and retread both some of your miserable post drinking posts AND your recent sober happy strong posts. Which is the better, happier you?

    It’ll pass love, it’ll pass. Just don’t drink.

    Lilly xoxox

    • FitFatFood March 22, 2014 at 11:52 am #

      Oh Lily I love your comments. I really feel like I can hear your voice 🙂

      I thought of you a lot yesterday, my sober twin across the globe… If there’s anyone’s experience of drinking that mirrors mine it’s yours, and that struggle you’ve had to get the momentum back really helped me think what I’d be giving up. Last time I slipped it took me a full month to get back to a couple of sober days, and it was miserable, even when the drinking itself felt ok and under control.

      Thanks sober twin 🙂 x x x

  5. primrosep March 21, 2014 at 1:10 pm #

    well done for shouting out, first of all! we are here and rooting for you!

    I know those Genghis Khan impulses, they got me into a lot of trouble when I was younger. Rampage, pillage, destroy… and it is SO HARD when you can’t run that off. and at the end of the day you know that destruction impacts yourself most.

    Are there any other physical activities you could do to let off steam? as Carrie says, a bike ride? or if you do weights, a weights session can take it out of you – as indeed can meaningless sex but wouldn’t recommend that 😉

    Lucy suggested the Samaritans as a resource too recently if that might help – people who want to listen are always great!

    and remembering that breakthroughs often coming after riding a hard wave of cravings. maybe there is a lagoon on the other side of this reef. stay on the surfboard sweetie!

    oh and as a random thought (distraction tactic here) did you know that Genghis Khan was one of de sober boys?! He is quoted as saying:

    “Who can’t stop drinking may get drunken three times a month. If he does it more often, he is guilty. To get drunken twice a month is better; once, still more praiseworthy. But not to drink at all – what could be better than this? But where could such a being be found? But if one would find it, it would be worthy of all honour.”

    ‘Not to drink at all – what could be better than this?’

    He said it. YOU know it. You can do it. P xxxxxxxxxxxxxx

    • FitFatFood March 22, 2014 at 11:57 am #

      ARGH PRIMROSE, STOP MAKING ME LAUGH, There’s something about the line about Genghis Khan being one of ‘de sober boys’ that really tickled me. Thank you 😉

      And whilst meaningless sex might not be recommended, it has its place in the sober toolkit 😉

  6. Lilly March 21, 2014 at 1:15 pm #

    Oh and DO post again here soon to tell us how you got through it and how you’re feeling better for it. I know you can do it!! Xo

  7. soberlearning March 21, 2014 at 1:25 pm #

    Go out and do something else to create chaos. Go to a store, rearrange all of the sizes, go into McDonald’s, and when they ask you if they can help you, tell them you are just looking. Make crank telephone calls, “Is your refrigerator running? You better go catch it.”
    You can always get out and walk. Blast some music into your ears from you iPod and take a good walk.
    You are doing a great job using all the tools in your toolbox. Try to visualize how you will feel if you do pick up. How will you feel writing Day 1 on the calendar again.
    Sometimes one day at a time, is actually one minute at a time.
    Get yourself some candy, a treat, and go and enjoy your movie. What are you seeing?
    Stay strong. Hugs

  8. Jean March 21, 2014 at 1:46 pm #

    Good for you for reaching out, putting it out there is a great way for you to feel accountable. Good luck with the weekend, eat some chocolate, drink lots fluids, go to a hot yoga class. Good luck!

  9. Sober Second Half March 21, 2014 at 3:09 pm #

    I completely understand where you are coming from. In addition to giving up alcohol, I also (for health reasons) traded coffee for matcha tea and started eating a low-glycemic diet. Like, all at the same time. I’ve been drinking green smoothies every morning, eating as clean as possible, drinking lots of water, etc. and, to be honest, I’ve been feeling frighteningly amazing. However, since I am ME, I have a hard time feeling amazing and look for a way to rebel and be “bad.” I decided today would be the day I indulge in a coffee with cream, a carrot muffin AND a lemon thyme scone. (I’m so badass). I took one bite from each of the pastries and I’m already jittery from drinking half a coffee. I feel sufficiently less amazing than I did this morning. Mission accomplished? For me, indulgence very often results in disappointment, Maybe I will remember this the next time I get the urge to be bad. I’m not AT ALL saying to indulge in alcohol, but is there something besides drinking that would make you feel badass and less awesome? Is it even worth indulging when feeling awesome is so, well, awesome? I know, let’s just try to get used to feeling good all the time. Hang in there.

    • FitFatFood March 22, 2014 at 11:43 am #

      I love everything about this comment. I can so relate to all of it! especially the badass act of cake eating 😉

      “Let’s just try to get used to feeling good all the time.” I am so glad you said that- that’s it, isn’t it?! That’s what we need to do 🙂

  10. lucy2610 March 21, 2014 at 4:10 pm #

    FFF you have my mobile no – if you are about to pick up a drink call me and I’ll be your listening ear if you would like. Although it’s been a while since I was an active Samaritan I don’t think I’ve lost the skills and I know how loudly wolfie can shout!. xx

    • FitFatFood March 22, 2014 at 11:41 am #

      Thank you- I may well take you up on that next time 🙂 x x x x

      • lucy2610 March 22, 2014 at 12:01 pm #

        Are you okay lovely? Please do call if you need to 🙂 xx

      • FitFatFood March 22, 2014 at 12:06 pm #

        I am fine- back on track, thank GOD. I’ll put you on my speed dial for the next time- I really appreciate that offer x x x x

  11. Debbie March 21, 2014 at 4:12 pm #

    ditto to all the comments above. you CAN do this. dig in those heels – it will pass. . . {hugs}

    • FitFatFood March 22, 2014 at 11:41 am #

      Heels well and truly dug in, success achieved! Thanks debbie x

  12. readingcreature March 21, 2014 at 4:34 pm #

    The real you, the best you, the person that you want to be, doesn’t want to drink. How do you talk to her and not to the monkey mind? Can you get some space and time to sit quietly and breathe, feel calm and strong, visualise the craving as the voice of someone you really don’t like and who *always* has the stupidest, most inane opinions and ideas and feel about the craving how you feel about people who are false and jealous of your success? If a false friend were trying to sabotage you then you could resist. Get bolshie with wolfie.

    • FitFatFood March 22, 2014 at 11:41 am #

      Very wise words. I did focus on the saboteur as you suggested and that helped me tonnes. So glad to see you back blogging and doing so well! x

  13. jenisthesoberist March 21, 2014 at 4:40 pm #

    Sorry you are feeling crave-y. Sunshine is a trigger for me, too. I think it is because it is a new season and I haven’t had enough sober experiences with sunny spring days to totally recondition my brain yet. It WILL happen. Embrace the feelings… it means that you are healing and next time will be easier. Remember HALT and treat yourself super gentle until it passes. Big sober hugs to you! xoxo

    • FitFatFood March 22, 2014 at 11:39 am #

      Thanks Jen. I was super kind to myself after reading this comment and it worked. Embracing the feelings I still need to work on though… x x x

  14. Birdo March 22, 2014 at 9:05 am #

    Never underestimate the power of your imagination. Everyone on here knows to some extent that they have drunk or binged or done something excessive at some point because we imagine that it will change everything that we don’t like – that it will magically make all our problems go away and will turn us into the cool, uninhibited, awesome person we imagine ourselves as being in our best dreams. And we all know that it never works out quite that way,, and even if we do briefly feel better, there are consequences… but what if you can use this incredible imagination as a relief in itself, without ‘carrying out’ what you imagine? I have an incredible, detailed, full on sensory connection to a giant Millies chocolate cookie cake with the amazing brown and white icing. I know how the cookie feels in my mouth, the buzz of the frosting, how the texture changes when a thin triangular slice is dipped in double cream – I am in ABSOLUTE heaven, BUT I have not eaten one of these since I was thirteen. And I won’t, because I would eat the whole thing and then feel very unwell and hate myself. But the boost I get from the imagined scenario, and then the double boost of knowing that my imagination, which I am in control of, is enough, is so useful, and (for me) far more helpful than trying NOT to think about food.
    I know this won’t work for everyone and might seem a bit odd, but hey, I am a bit odd. And I can only share what works for me.
    Also, if you want to Skype me or call or meet up, let me know / email me. I am not an AA member so perhaps I can say some different things and hopefully help. x

    • FitFatFood March 22, 2014 at 11:37 am #

      That’s a really interesting idea Birdo, imagining it… I sometimes imagine being in a rock pool I once bathed in in California, and that helps calm and soothe me. Maybe I should use that more often! 🙂 Thank you x

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