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Swinging from the Chandeliers

20 Apr

In true addictive style, I have been playing this song by the wonderful Sia over and over today. Very apt, as it’s a song about addiction, specifically the cycle of living in the moment when drinking and then having to face the aftermath.

After Friday’s happy, sober contented post, I’ve had a tough weekend of cravings. I stupidly went to a huge street party/rave thing yesterday afternoon, which is NOT the kind of environment I should be putting myself in when I’m feeling like I’m missing out by not drinking.

I was turning over the idea of what would REALLY happen if I nipped into a pub to come out with a plastic glass of slightly warm flat beer when, as if on cue, two people I recognise from AA walked past. Thanks Higher Power, impeccable timing there eh?

It is safe to say I was absolutely crawling the walls yesterday afternoon and have been for most of today. I just want to drink. I do. Surely these cravings should, at 96 days sober, have died down a little?

I’ve got friends coming round for dinner tonight and I’m writing this as a guard against opening the wine that’s in the fridge. I want to dance around my kitchen and cook and feel the effects of wine. I know I’m romanticising it, that it would end with me waking up tomorrow full of regret, but that knowledge doesn’t take the desire away.

Two of the people coming for dinner are the friends I’ve told about being in recovery, so I couldn’t drink tonight if I wanted to, which is really bloody annoying.

I’m trying to just focus on getting my head on the pillow tonight sober, which i know I can do, but what’s really bothering me is the thought of just how much effort this is taking. Week after week I’m battling cravings of epic proportions and it’s pretty exhausting. Yes, I know life is way better sober. Yes, I know when I post about happy sobriety I am I’m bouncing off the walls ecstatic, but when I get these cravings my skin crawls.

Even though I am committed to my sobriety, it’s painful, and I don’t know if I can continue like this forever. Unfortunately, this option is better than the drinking alternative, so for now, my choice is to remain sober. It does get easier, right? I’m praying that the cravings will start to go. I’m my own worst enemy with my thinking, I keep building up drinking in my own head as this wonderful thing I’m missing out on. It’s not. We all know it’s not.

GAHHHHHHHHHH this is hard.

But I’ll do it and tomorrow I will wake up happy.

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7 Responses to “Swinging from the Chandeliers”

  1. lucy2610 April 20, 2014 at 5:57 pm #

    I think it being a long bank holiday week-end doesn’t help either. Love the song and identify with the feelings too FFF. If it consumes us this badly and we feel it so strongly then this is an alarm bell to me not to give in to it 🙂 xx

    • FitFatFood April 22, 2014 at 11:38 am #

      Thank you and very wise words- the alarm bell just keeps ringing, every time I get a strong feeling about booze…

  2. primrosep April 20, 2014 at 7:51 pm #

    seconding Lucy – the louder the wolf is howling, the more dangerous he is to you….
    and yes yes yes the cravings do subside. in my darker moments I know I used to tell myself that people who got further down the line than me were better, or stronger, but I don’t believe that now. now I believe that yes, they seek support. yes, they use the tools in their tool box. but most of all they GIVE IT TIME. sorry, I can’t remember if you’re also a reformed smoker? knowing that craving eventually dwindled away to nothing really helped me. also good article here on handling cravings which I find helpful: http://www.brighteyecounselling.co.uk/coping-with-cravings.htm
    hope you have a great night – another piece of evidence to present to yourself next time you think you have to drink to have fun! lots of love xxx

    • FitFatFood April 22, 2014 at 11:40 am #

      Funnily enough Primrose, I never smoked because I knew I would get addicted and never be able to stop!

      Giving it time is what I’ll do. If I make it to a year, say, and think “well that was rubbish, drinking would have made that year a whole lot better” maybe I can start then, but I’m not counting on it 😉

      Nearly at my 100 days…

  3. carrythemessage April 21, 2014 at 12:41 am #

    As you make it abundantly clear…we don’t have a drinking problem, we have a thinkin’ problem 🙂 It’s all between the ears, isn’t it? I get the ocassional thought too. Briefly. Then it flits away, like ashes in the wind. I just say “thank you for your thoughts” and shoo them away. It does get easier with time and practice.

    Have a wonderful dinner 🙂

    Paul

  4. 365 Reasons April 21, 2014 at 8:10 am #

    Wow I have heard that song on the radio and never realized it was about drinking. Guess I didnt pay attention to the lyrics. Thanks for posting it. I am gonna add it to my Sober Playlist.

    I just bought tickets for a festival/rave thingie this summer in Portugal. My friend I am going with is super supportive with my sobriety and he doesn’t drink. Plus I will be 7 months sober by then. I can’t hide from the things I love forever. But right now, not sure I could do it.

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