Self- Absorption

27 May

I have’t blogged, read blogs, been to a meeting or even thought about drinking for days.

When I realised this, I was conflicted. On the one hand, it means I’m moving on from that OBSESSION with drinking/not drinking that I’ve been held prisoner by the past months (/years?!) but on the other, it could mean I’m not putting my recovery first. I’m so used to it occupying my mind it really shocked me when I’d sort of… forgotten to think about it. 

I had a little panic when I realised this, but upon reflection, I have been active in recovery, just in a different form to the one I’m used to. 

Until this point, my recovery had been very ‘me me me’; what do I think, how do I feel, how is my experience of recovery and how can I protect it. A lot of being inside my own silly head. I’ve often fretted about this, thinking that this means I shall be eternally self obsessed when I’m sober. But actually, as my sponsor has pointed out, recovery is as much about helping others as anything else. That’s how we stay dry. It’s the foundation of the AA programme, and how that amazing organisation keeps doing great work. And without realising it, I’ve been helping others more than I’ve been taking help over the past few days by calling newcomers and checking in with people who I know are struggling.

Just because I wasn’t thinking about me doesn’t mean I’m not being active in recovery. Quelle surprise! I’ve been quite ‘take take take’ and now I’m back onto more solid ground I feel truly able to give. This feels good. Imagine if I could pass on what I’ve learnt and another person actually gets sober and it changes their life?! That’s pretty powerful. I know mine’s changed, through the help of my AA buddies and all the brilliant bloggers who came before me. I suppose even when we’re struggling, our words of pain help others think ‘wow, other people feel like I do’ and we help them. I’ll never forget that first night I sat reading the blogs realising that there were other women out there like me who drank like I drank, feel like I feel.

I’m exhausted and not very articulate today, but I suppose I’m saying that giving feels really good. And being out of my own head is the greatest relief. I’m praying that this marks another corner turned in sobriety, where I stop thinking about myself all the bloody time. I hated that bit of early recovery. And of course it’s even worse when you’re drinking. 

So here I am 133 days sober, crawling down the road of progress and being more grateful than ever for what sobriety is giving me. If you’re struggling in the very early days with the ‘Is it worth it?!?!’ question that plagues us all, I’d say that right now, it truly feels it. The way I feel now in comparison to a few months ago is so dramatically different it takes my breath away. The brain chatter has quietened down. Most of the time at least. 

I’ll file this post under ‘YAY SOBRIETY!’ to refer to in my darker moments 😉

Happy Tuesday all x

6 Responses to “Self- Absorption”

  1. moretomethanthis May 27, 2014 at 7:42 pm #

    YAY SOBRIETY! indeed. I am not feeling very articulate today either, but did love this post. 🙂 And at 100 and something days am still massively obsessed with the inner workings of my silly head. Hoping I get over that soon! xx

    • FitFatFood May 27, 2014 at 7:57 pm #

      Loving the collective yay!

      It’s partly that I’ve been forced by circumstance to think about other things but it’s a nice feeling 🙂 It won’t last forever but now i’m appreciating it x

  2. primrosep May 28, 2014 at 7:26 am #

    all good to hear 🙂 xx

  3. lucy2610 May 28, 2014 at 9:16 am #

    ‘Imagine if I could pass on what I’ve learnt and another person actually gets sober and it changes their life?!’ Who says you haven’t done this already? 🙂 Great stuff FFF xx

  4. authorgmst May 29, 2014 at 11:23 pm #

    What a wonderful realisation to have. Well done! 🙂

  5. skyp0127 May 30, 2014 at 2:21 am #

    I must say meetings and the program are the best thing that ever happened to me. I have had so many ups and downs in my recovery over the last few years (as far as devoting my whole life to meetings one month and not really being into it the next month). Lately I have been considering the fear that is induced in the program. If you don’t do it this way you are going to get drunk!! I was beginning to feel really uncomfortable in meetings (I follow a different spiritual path than the people that I know in recovery, I respect all paths, but it is nice to have people to relate to on that level). I was really afraid that if I don’t do x amount of meetings per week then I might relapse. But I haven’t been going to that many meetings and I feel more at peace than ever, that is what recovery is all about if you ask me 🙂
    I still go to meetings, I love working with sponcees and being of service. I have begun to learn that it is okay to have a mind of your own in recovery. It is not the meetings that keep people sober. Like I shared with a girl recently, you could sit in meetings all day and still feel bad if you aren’t working your program.
    Thanks for your post. I just posted my first blog that is related to this.

    • FitFatFood June 1, 2014 at 2:32 pm #

      Thanks for this- a really interesting perspective. Meetings get drummed into you as the Most Important Thing so I agree it’s good to find your own path… Look forward to reading your blog 🙂

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