Off Kilter

4 Jun

I feel like I’ve fallen off the blogging wagon. It’s a really important part of my recovery, it helps me step back and reflect, discovering thoughts and feelings I didn’t know I had as I commit words to the page.

It’s all been a bit of a struggle the past fortnight or so. Not a -shit-I’m-going-to-drink kind of struggle, but a definitely unhealthy one. I’ve sort of got myself over the drinking-to-cope hurdle, and after we’ve leapt that, what’s left to deal with is life, really, isn’t it? I’m never out of danger of drinking, but my brain has slowly changed its well-trodden thought pathways of believing a drink is the best way to get through ANYTHING. So here I am, left with life to contend with. 

My new job is an amazing experience and privilege, but it’s sucking the life out of me. I’m not eating properly, have had a few big sugar sessions to get me through exhaustion and have had a real lack of sleep. I have a few other very big things in my life going on which means there’s emotional pressure from all sides and it’s keeping me up at night. Too much worrying, too little sleep. 

Sleep is the key to it all, I think. When I was drinking, it was the constant exhaustion that got me and now I’m sober, I get drunk with tiredness if I don’t get my 7 hours. If I don’t sleep, my diet goes off track and then I feel even shittier. It’s got to be my number one priority over the next few weeks, getting that shut eye. Without it, everything is just so much harder. 

All this disruption in my life recently has reinforced something I’ve always known but never quite managed to get right; the huge extent to which the physical affects the emotional. When I suffered real anxiety, I felt it so viscerally. It used to sit heavy and uncomfortable in my stomach, course through my veins when it rose. When I feel depressed (which happens infrequently at the moment because of being sober and in the summer months), it manifests itself in a brain fog and feeling almost floppy limbed. When I feel low I just want to sit down in the middle of street and let the world walk by. With the stress I’m currently feeling, it’s just sort of THERE. I can’t feel it physically like I usually do. But I know the physical exhaustion is feeding into it, and that the two states are inextricably linked. Exercise is helping, and stopping the sugar will help too.

I’ve got 5 more weeks of getting through this intense period, then things will calm. Co-incidnetally, I have 5 weeks until I’m 6 months sober (when did that happen?!) and I’m not letting that slip away from me by drinking now. 

Happy Wednesday? 

Advertisements

9 Responses to “Off Kilter”

  1. nomorewine June 4, 2014 at 12:36 pm #

    I understand a little how you’re feeling I think…..its like, you have the sober thing nailed down pretty well but once that’s done, life is left to deal with. It’s a strange feeling. Sleep is defo the key but when everything around you is so manic it’s often hard to look after ourselves 100%. Just remember, that while you’re having a few hard and draining weeks…..how much harder it would be to deal with If you were drinking. well done on coming up 6 months!! I hope and pray I can get there too 🙂 stay strong and keep blogging…..your blog along with others really pushed me into committing to getting sober. your helping YOU and ME ha ha xxx

    • FitFatFood June 4, 2014 at 12:58 pm #

      Thank you and you’re so right! Dunking would just make it worse. We all help each other round these parts 🙂

  2. Shame Doesn't Define Me June 4, 2014 at 4:07 pm #

    Hang in there. I’m just a coming up on 7 months and have found some boredom setting in. I, thankfully, have a sponsor who made me snap out of it and remind me I am not cured. oops. Truthfully, I enjoyed skating for a bit, but I know in order to stay sober and to continue to see life as life is I have to get back into my recovery mode.
    Try to carve out a few moments during your work day to step back, breather and say, “This is only a job. I do not control those around me. I am only in charge of myself and the way I choose to react to those around me.” Change things up as you can. If you have the ability to step out and walk for 20 minutes, go do it. Remind yourself that you don’t have to get sucked up. Pause, pray, and proceed.
    You got this. Congrats on 6 months, too. That is pretty fantastic!
    Hugs,
    Linda

  3. carrieonsober June 4, 2014 at 5:50 pm #

    You are doing really well to be so tuned into your situation and you really do sound in control, even though it might not feel like it when you are dog tired. You’re right it is…well, just life and we have a whole lot of re-education to do on how to handle new situations without the old crutch. But you have got this…you wrote that you are not tempted to drink just being a bit unhealthy and noticing it doesn’t help your overall mood when self-care slides ie. sleep, healthy eating. Your first instinct is not to booze and that’s huge!!Tiredness is such a hugely overwhelming emotion and can really make things seem so much worse than they probably are…throw in a bit of wolfie and it’s a bit of a battle alright.
    Stay on top of your self care – have stress relieving treats and maybe try the gratitude list to keep perpective. That really helps me when I stress starts to spiral.
    6 friggin’ months is so huge. I’m defo up for that party!! Hopefully the worst will have passed by then 🙂

    So proud of you xxx

    • FitFatFood June 5, 2014 at 12:00 pm #

      Thank you my lovely, this really helped.

      Do you know what else would help? Us drinking VATS of coffee soon 🙂 Let’s try and meet

      • carrieonsober June 5, 2014 at 12:10 pm #

        Decaf for you my dear!
        I could prob do Mon or Tuesday next week?
        xxx

      • carrieonsober June 8, 2014 at 9:01 pm #

        Can you what’s app me – restored phone lost msg and contact x

  4. lucy2610 June 5, 2014 at 4:39 pm #

    Sleep is so crucial isn’t it? I just slept 24 hours in 48 hour period due to a heavy cold and it was the only and right thing to do at the time. Can’t wait to shake my sober maraca’s for 6 months! xx

    • FitFatFood June 5, 2014 at 11:39 pm #

      We love the sober maracas! Wow well done of fighting that cold- that level of shut eye is v impressive!

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

The Art of Keeping Going

A blog that's mostly about not drinking.

trufflesfreedom

Starting a life of sobriety and freedom.

waking up, being sober

and trying to make sense of what follows

Off-Dry

I got sober. Life got big.

Hungry Girl Eats

Notes on the care and feeding of body, mind and spirit.

DominantSoul

The Erotic Art of Sensual Domination

lydia davies

author of 'Raw, the diary of an anorexic'

800 Recovery Hub Blog

Written by people in recovery for people in recovery

My Road To Abstinence

Sober, me? Really?

ainsobriety

Trying to ace sober living

tired of treading water

Ditching the drink and waking up

Shadow. Ash. Spirit. Flame.

Out of Shadow and Ash, Spirit ascends and blazes Light.

The drinking Stops Today

My attempt to quit drinking....

Good Morning Mercies

Seeking beauty and balance overcoming chronic illness and addictions

sparkly sober

writing my way out of drinking

We Admitted We Were Powerless

A journey of recovery

A Woman Without Wine

If you always do what you’ve always done, you’ll always get what you’ve always got

Mind-Full Mom-E

Being sober & clear headed with a mind that is full!

12 the hard way

ruminations on the twelve steps.

superbly sober

A girl trying to get sober in a boozy world.

Recovering From Powerlessness

A journey of recovery from everything

soberchoices101

One day at a time

nomorewine's Blog

The greatest WordPress.com site in all the land!

Ditch The Grog Blog

A Quest to Sobriety!

Lucy's New Life

Goodbye booze. Hello clarity, health and happiness.

The Adventures of a Sober Señorita

Follow me as I live la vida loca (but sober)

Party.0

Getting crazy with no consequences!

The Six Year Hangover

A BLOG BY A GAY MAN GETTING SOBER IN NEW YORK CITY.

And Everything Afterwards

How I quit alcohol and discovered the beauty of a sober life

Just A Rock

The trials of a young woman awkwardly trudging her way to happy destiny

Life Unbuzzed

Rowing my sober boat gently down the stream

Alcoholics NON Anonymous

Step 1: POWERLESSNESS is not real.

The Lotus Chronicles

Just like the lotus we too have the ability to rise from the mud, bloom out of the darkness and radiate love and beauty.

Living Free

A fine WordPress.com site

messyarts

lettuce turnip the beet.

Seeing Clear Lee

musings on becoming alcohol-free

Sober at 51

Enough is enough...

%d bloggers like this: