Happiness

30 Jun

The temptation with blogging, as with other recovery tools, is to use it only when I’m struggling.

Today I wanted to write about how good life feels in sobriety.

I was reflecting on how much weight matters to me following my last post and this thought popped into my head: “I’m the happiest I have ever been.”

CHECK THAT OUT.

What a thought! And it’s true. I’m loving my job, friends, social life and the much sunnier climate inside that wee troublesome head of mine.

I’m achieving things that make me proud and feel like if the anorexic, alcohol guzzling, anxious me of a few years ago could have seen this I’d have been amazed.

Thinking about my last post it feels like my happiness is no longer contingent on my weight and I no longer feel so strongly about it I want to throw myself into a strict regime. I’m often comfortable with my size, actually. I get frustrated that I don’t care as much as I once did. Even though the desire to make a change is there, it’s not a driving force anymore and that is UNEQUIVOCALLY A Good Thing.

I’m happy. I can give to others. I receive from others what I need. This is what sobriety is all about, sailing my little boat over the waters, having steered myself into calmer seas by putting down the drink.

Bubbles of joy rise up in me frequently. I love my life, I like who I am (most of the time) and I love being sober.

I found the below post that I never published last year, after having slept through a hotel fire alarm when drunk. I was so out of it I had no idea it was going on. I had 26 days of sobriety, then drank again with disastrous consequences.

If you’re not sure whether stopping drinking is worth it, take a moment to read this…

I can’t do this anymore>

Every bad experience I have drinking makes me realise I need to stop entirely. But I don’t have the courage. I get lulled into a false sense of security. I get wolfie creeping up on me saying “you’ll be fine.”

If there had been a genuine fire in that hotel the other night I would have died. I heard NOTHING. I frequently worry about dying from some drinking-realted incident, and my family having the shame of going through my computer and finding all the blogs I’ve been reading or writing and knowing what I’ve been going through. Their high-achieving, go-getting daughter. I’ve hinted at people close to me I find drinking problematic, but no-one ever has an idea of just how bad it makes me feel.

It’s serious. This is really serious. And I don’t know what to do. I can’t carry the burden of trying not to drink round with me- I simply don’t feel I have the energy. I know I feel like this right now because I’m in the aftermath of a drinking disaster, but I feel a real sense of injustice this is something that has crept up on me and I’m having to deal with. I need a break. And that’s why I drink. To get that break.

Hoping I can learn from this huge relapse and grow. I don’t want to start on Day 1 again, I really don’t.

And I don’t know who to reach out to. I’m living two lives and it breaks my little, confused heart.

I genuinely cannot believe I wrote this. It amazes me, that I felt like that, but I did. There it is in black and white.

Today at a point I thought I could never reach, 170 days sober, I know this is the best choice I could ever have made. It’s so hard to begin with, but it’s just got easier and better.

Hurrah to that.

Happy Monday!

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15 Responses to “Happiness”

  1. lucy2610 June 30, 2014 at 3:36 pm #

    170 bloody days – rocking it FFF!! 🙂 And for some reason this song popped into my head so I’m going to run with it and post it! Step on Happy Monday(s) girl 😉 xx

  2. Anne June 30, 2014 at 4:16 pm #

    That’s so great, and I understand because I am happy too. Brimming with happy. Full of joy.
    Because I realize I love myself as I am. Because the sober me is a nice, compassionate person.
    Because life is a blessing, not a curse to endure.

    • FitFatFood July 4, 2014 at 8:49 am #

      YES! This is what it’s all about 🙂 Long may it last for us x xx

  3. schooseslife June 30, 2014 at 4:23 pm #

    The relapses are SO, SO wearing, aren’t they ? The headspace taken up with should I, shouldn’t I , will I, wont I drink, are just so tiring. Well done you on 170 days and on breaking free. I am only 20 days free and Wolfe is really adamant that all will be well this time if I just pour a glass of wine. I love your happiness and confidence though – it is infectious. Thank you. Happy Monday to you too !

    • FitFatFood July 4, 2014 at 8:49 am #

      Day 20 is tough- you feel better but you still feel like you won’t have too much to lose if you drink again- you can just start over, right?!

      As the dark post I never published until now reveals, drinking again at 24 days was just disastrous for me, and every subsequent relapse I’ve had has felt worse.

      Dig in and stick it out until the happy times come x x x x

  4. primrosep June 30, 2014 at 5:10 pm #

    Very glad to hear you are feeling so chipper! Xxx

  5. thirstystill July 1, 2014 at 1:04 am #

    It’s great to hear you’re doing so well and feeling so happy these days. Hooray you! xo

  6. Dragonfly Wanders July 1, 2014 at 2:04 am #

    This is so inspiring!

  7. Lilly July 1, 2014 at 6:48 am #

    Yay yay yay yay YAY! So happy to read this. Been thinking of you. xo

    • FitFatFood July 1, 2014 at 3:12 pm #

      Ahhh Lilly! Sorry have been rubbish on ze old email- so busy at work and no time to myself. But happy 🙂 how are YOU?

  8. sara w July 1, 2014 at 8:50 pm #

    thank you for sharing your happiness! its nice to know i can be happy without a drink…working on that day by day!

    • FitFatFood July 4, 2014 at 8:46 am #

      It does come, not immediately and not permanently, but it comes 🙂

  9. carrieonsober July 1, 2014 at 9:27 pm #

    What a huge leap in confidence by you!!! Go FFF, you have finally started trusting the inner you that knows how you are feeling on the inside doesn’t have to be directly linked to how you look. I can feel the happiness and calm just oozing out of this wonderful upbeat post.
    Also, your recount of earlier times really took me back there momentarily to that desperate place, Jesus, how did we inflict that on ourselves, time after time?
    Great news, fab post!
    Xxxxx

    • FitFatFood July 4, 2014 at 8:45 am #

      Ahh thanks Carrie. Yes, the dark places seem even worse when you look back. How did that happen time after time after time?

      Thanks as ever for being so supportive and wonderful x

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