6 Jul

How weird sobriety is. Today I feel I’m at risk of having a drink.

And I know exactly why: I’m experiencing uncomfortable emotions. I wish anonymity wasn’t a concern on this blog so I could write myself out of this pickle.

In essence- yesterday I witnessed some very very distressing things and my emotions have been all over the place since. I came home last night to an empty house and tried to sit with my feelings, all the time knowing my flatmate has a bottle of wine in the fridge. A few days ago I wouldn’t even have noticed it, yesterday I wanted to reach for it and drink the whole thing.

It’s the age old problem: I think I want to drink because I want to change the way I feel.

I’m not throwing away sobriety now, at just 10 days away from being six months sober, but at times it feels I’m bloody close.

Is this a normal feeling at this stage of sobriety? I sincerely hope so…

When I feel so strongly I worry for myself, I really do. How hard will I fall if I slip?

I know what I should do- get to a meeting, call my sponsor, read the blogs. But the problem is when I feel this way, wolfie’s rebellious voice pipes up, telling me not to take action. Then the petulant child within me who doesn’t want to be an alcoholic tells me to do nothing. Why can’t I just have a drink to take the edge off?!

How quickly we can slide down the side of a pink cloud and into the ditch.

I’m trying to remember how good I felt the past few weeks, to wrap my hands around my little sober flame to protect it from the storm that surrounds it.

I will not drink today.


12 Responses to “Temptation”

  1. lucy2610 July 6, 2014 at 5:31 pm #

    You blogged about the desire to drink and hopefully that will quieten wolfie xx

  2. Anne July 6, 2014 at 6:51 pm #

    I think it’s completely normal.
    When we want to escape the evil voice inside our head knows just what buttons to push.
    Recognizing that is super self aware.
    And so when I find myself in that place I try my other self soothing ways-yoga, chocolate, shopping.

    But I know that the things your reeeeaaaslllyy don’t want to do-like reach out to others-is what would be best.
    Blogging is a great outlet. So is commenting on other peoples blogs lol

    Take care of yourself. You are doing great!!!!

  3. jmcraig2014 July 6, 2014 at 7:57 pm #

    As long as you don’t drink today, you are there. I am just past 8 months and still occasionally get cravings and I agree it is when I have to deal with uncomfortable feelings. Alcohol was one of my ways of soothing myself.
    Good luck, looking forward or hearing in a few days that your cravings have subsided!

    • FitFatFood July 13, 2014 at 4:32 pm #

      And subside they have 🙂 Thanks JM x

  4. schooseslife July 6, 2014 at 8:00 pm #

    Please hang in there. Your blog is so inspirational and you have come so so so far !!!!! Think about how you will feel in a few weeks when all this has faded and you return to your strong self. I am really routing for you.

    • FitFatFood July 13, 2014 at 4:32 pm #

      Thank you much for this support- it meant a lot to read it 🙂

  5. primrose July 6, 2014 at 8:57 pm #

    did you hear last Monday’s edition of The Bubble Hour?


    it was a particularly great edition about the freedoms that sobriety gives us…and one great line which was that ‘drinking just FEELS easier’. highly recommended!

    hope you’ve had a better day and rest up and recover for another day xxx

  6. Hana July 6, 2014 at 9:18 pm #

    Hi FFF – almost 6 months – excellent!! In my experience (8.5 months) uncomfortable feelings are definitely my #1 trigger. So I totally relate – it’s really hard to have hard stuff activate another hard thing! It’s exhausting actually. However we have to remember that we are rewiring our brains right now. We are untangling from booze as the cure (for hard stuff or anything else). But I think that all this just takes time. Like you I’ll have periods where I’ve got this (yay, I’m cured), followed by periods where it sucks how far I’ve got to go. Its so easy to want early sobriety to be linear, but it’s much more elusive than that! As long as I keep accepting that, it’s a bit easier. You’re doing so well, I’m rooting for you!!!! Xoxo, Hana

    • FitFatFood July 13, 2014 at 4:33 pm #

      Thanks Hana- I love hearing from people just ahead of me on this funny old journey. The rewiring of the brain thing is spot on. I’m still in emotion = drink thinking!

  7. carrythemessage July 7, 2014 at 12:19 am #

    Here’s the deal for me – I drank for 25 years. Most of them alcoholically. My default wiring is to go to the bottle. No matter what – sad, happy, raining, shining, upset, elated, etc. Everything was a reason to drink or at least think of the drink. It was a burning coin in my pocket.

    So now I get sober. that boozing got me into some real jams. So a few months down the line, something crops up and boom! there’s that default staring at me. I can’t expect that the thought of drinking won’t crop up in (early) recovery. I’m an alcoholic fer Crisssake. OF COURSE i am going to think of the drink now and then. or more. or less….lol. Doesn’t mean I am *going* to drink though. The thought is there floating but will pass.

    You acknowledge why it’s there – we get that feeling in our gut and it craves something to take it away. We have some tools now. We have our sponsors, other members of the fellowship, meetings, readings, prayer, etc. We can journal, call someone, meditate. For me, talking to someone is the best way to get out of this. Call your sponsor and let her know exactly how you’re feeling. You’ll get no judgement – you know that, right? 🙂 We’ve all been there, my friend.

    Sometimes the phone feels 200 lbs…. 🙂

  8. Off-Dry July 7, 2014 at 6:06 am #

    I agree that this is *totally* normal…which doesn’t make it any easier, does it? What helped me was remembering–or being reminded–that having a drink wouldn’t actually do anything whatsoever to improve the situation, and would likely just make it worse. And while I know that blogging, meetings, etc. are the gold standard for getting through cravings, sometimes any distraction/reward will do–a run, whatever shopping spree your budget allows, a movie (I can’t even tell you how many dumb movies I saw my first few months sober, but they worked their magic in getting me past some shaky moments). You’ll be so glad you didn’t drink today! And those sober muscles–the ones that are crabby and sore and kinda clumsy right now–are getting stronger every time you face down Wolfie and win. 🙂

  9. Rebecca A. Watson July 8, 2014 at 11:28 am #

    I agree with others that this is normal. Hang in there. It will get better. BIG hugs.

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