Boys Boys Boys

Being sober and contemplating romantic relationships is HARD. What if they mind me not drinking? What if I mind THEM drinking? What if it’s too soon to be even thinking about a relationship? WHAT ABOUT NEVER SHARING A BOTTLE OF WINE EVER AGAIN??? You know, that sort of head chatter.

I’m not sure what’s happened, but over the last fortnight I’ve gone boy mad. I signed up to no less than THREE dating sites. I’ve gone even further than that tonight asked someone out for a drink that I’ve had a huge crush on all year IRL (he made an appearance here but nothing came of it). I don’t think he’s interested, but if you don’t ask, you don’t get, right?! And after seeing him a few times over the last few months, I’ve decided it’s worth a shot. I am sitting here like a teenager compulsively checking my phone to see if he’ll reply. Gah. It hurts my tummy. 

That particular mini-drama that I’ve engineered aside, the other boy-seeking antics I have engaged in are utterly unhelpful. Online dating seems to be just the WORST idea for me right now. I did a little but of it after the break up of a long term relationship and that was just fun and silly, but this time, I’m doing it for the wrong reasons, I think. I’m doing it because I want a self esteem boost by getting some male attention. This has backfired massively by having the opposite effect. My self esteem couldn’t be lower.

As is bleeding obvious to anyone with a brain, online dating is a world where you’re judged in about 3 seconds on your picture alone. Nowhere is this more brutal than in the world of Tinder, the dating app that has really taken off in the UK. In case you’re not aware of it, it works like this. You upload a set of pictures and then the opposite sex browses the library of women (or men) like an online clothing catalogue, swiping left for ‘yes’, right for ‘no.’ It’s brutal. I hate it. And yet I’ve subjected myself to this. Exposing my face to strangers so they can judge and approve or reject. 

Tinder I can handle, as I’m not looking for anything concrete out of that and I take that completely at face value: superficial, false, a hook up app and nothing more. You don’t know whether someone has ‘liked’ you unless you’ve liked them back. It’s playground stuff, really. But it’s one of the other sites I’ve signed up to that’s causing me real heart ache. I have lovingly crafted a profile, sought out members I like the look of and sent them messages. 15 of them, in fact (you’ve got to give yourself a chance, right?!). Not ONE of these men has replied. This is NOT what I needed, because it has prompted my little alcoholic brain to scream ‘YOU ARE DISGUSTING- THEY WOULD NEVER FANCY YOU, YOU WILL NEVER FIND A HUSBAND YOU WILL DIE A CAT WOMAN LIVING ATOP A HILL WHERE YOU WILL SPEND YOUR TWILIGHT YEARS UTTERLY ALLLOOOOOOOOOOOOONE (echo echo echo)’ 

This is utter nonsense. I’m not a knockout, but I am not unattractive. I have lots of friends and forge deep and meaningful relationships with lots of people. I’m a grower. People find me attractive if they know my personality, which is A Good Thing. Chances are that one day, I’ll find a man I like who likes me back and it might grow into love. Who knows. Now, I’m not really sure I’m actually looking for a relationship. My ego just wants some validation from the opposite sex.

I need to do some work on where this sudden burning desire for male attention has come from. I have never IN MY LIFE been like this. I’ve always focused on fun and friendship and relationships have happened organically. I have never sought out male attention. Looks have never been important to me- I know that people like me for who I am, not what I look like. But all of a sudden, I want men to fall at my feet and tell me I’m beautiful.

This yearning is coming from somewhere else, and I think it’s because I’m not feeling that spiritually sober at the moment. I haven’t been to a meeting for 11 days, I haven’t been praying as much as I should and I’ve been in my own head a little too much. The ego is piping up and causing me problems.

It’s funny, when I joined AA I was sceptical of the need to go to regular meetings and to do what the programme suggest daily. I wanted to stand on my own two feet in sobriety and it all sounded a bit, well, cultish. And I bit much- I wasn’t a REAL alcoholic. I just needed to stop for a while. But the further down the road I get, the more I realise the truth in what they say about alcoholism being ‘a thinking disease not just a drinking disease’ is spot on for me. My obsessiveness gets overwhelming and when the crutch of booze is taken away, the only thing that helps me is getting to meetings and exercise. Exercise clears my brain, but on its own its not enough.

I know what I should do- work on my sobriety, get off these goddamn dating sites and get of of myself a bit by helping newcomers. I need to get all of this down on the page tonight- it helps me work through my problems. Hopefully it will keep me accountable, too.

Sweet dreams bloggers x