What a difference a year makes…

21 Aug

This time last year, I was around 20 days through my first attempt at sobriety and on the brink of spectacular relapse.

That relapse will forever stick with me as one of the reasons I cannot drink; it was very public, very humiliating and very dangerous. I slept through a fire alarm that saw my whole hotel evacuated. I fell down a steep flight of stone stairs. It’s a wonder I didn’t choke on my own vomit.

I’ve been seeing this long weekend ahead as a bit of a benchmark in my sobriety for some time. I’ll be at the site of my relapse, with much more sobriety under my belt and I’m hoping to make it through in one piece, sober and proud.

If I’m honest, I’m really worried about the bad memories going to this place will bring back- the mere thought of what happened here last time sends my blood cold in that special way only bad drinking memories can. I’m worried being here again will drive me to drink. Such is the paradoxical tyranny of being an alcoholic.

I’ve been thinking about this weekend for months, using it to get me through wobbles: “there’s no way I’m drinking again before I go to (X), I want to celebrate how far I’ve come in a year, not being stuck in drinking again.”

I don’t think I’ll be tempted to actually go through with having a drink, but I will be tempted. The strange thing is, I know drinking is the devil. And yet it still calls to me sometimes, when I’m feeling nervous and a bit vulnerable as I do now.

I remember the day after my relapse, forcing my way through a pint to feel normal. Drinking the best part of a bottle of wine alone on the long train journey home the day after that. Drinking the next day to quell the anxiety, and the next and… It went on. It took me months to string together more than a couple of days of sobriety.

This is why I can’t take the first drink. This is why alcohol is the enemy.
This is why I feel so whole and proud when sober.

On Saturday afternoon, I want to be writing a post saying I got through this. And I will get through it, but I have to be more vigilant than ever. What I have is so precious, I’m determined not to throw it away.

Happy Thursday!

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23 Responses to “What a difference a year makes…”

  1. merrimj1122 August 21, 2014 at 9:41 am #

    Stay strong! Yes alcohol is the enemy, that devil that comes along and trys to be known as an angel of light, bit we are becoming wise to his schemes…..enjoying your posts here. I am so very new to the blogging sober world, please stop by when u can to my story!

    • FitFatFood August 21, 2014 at 11:32 am #

      Thank you and I will 🙂

    • FitFatFood August 24, 2014 at 6:37 pm #

      Thanks- I’ve subscribed and look forward to joining you on your journey x

  2. primrose August 21, 2014 at 12:17 pm #

    hey hon – you have so much more experience and sober days under your belt now but I completely understand your trepidation at returning to the scene of your former all too spectacular and hideous experience. whilst you are right to be wary and on your guard I am positive that having got your way through the event you will see it as like a childhood bogeyman, which no longer has the power to strike terror and shame into your heart.

    walking in with your head held high is priceless. and you’ve earnt that. tiara on, young lady, and off you go! xxx

  3. momma bee August 21, 2014 at 1:52 pm #

    This is why I can’t take the first drink. This is why alcohol is the enemy.
    This is why I feel so whole and proud when sober.

    This is the best line and so true~ Thank you! You can do this and you WILL MAKE IT THRU~ One Day At a Time!

    Hugs! xoxo

    • FitFatFood August 24, 2014 at 6:36 pm #

      Ahhh thank you 🙂 and for the link to your blog- posts still don’t appear in my reader so I’ll make sure to stop by x x x

  4. carrythemessage August 21, 2014 at 3:17 pm #

    Congrats on your sober time 🙂

    Alcohol is cunning, baffling and powerful as it’s said (and patient, I would like to add)

    it will whisper sweet nothings to you and will have you justify and rationalize that first drink, but it’s that first drink that will get us drunk…and back on the merry go round. It’s not always easy – if just knowing that drinking would do us harm was the solution, we’d all be 100% relapse free, but that’s not how it works as with any other addiction!

    Have a plan to ditch if it gets too much. You can do this 🙂

    Paul

    • FitFatFood August 24, 2014 at 6:35 pm #

      Thanks Paul- it was a big milestone, I passed through with no pangs. What a happy thing 🙂

  5. Ruby August 22, 2014 at 12:35 am #

    this blog is getting me through some tough times lately. thank you.

    • FitFatFood August 22, 2014 at 6:11 am #

      It makes me so happy to hear that ruby- thank you x

  6. We Admitted We Were Powerless August 22, 2014 at 4:17 am #

    With a healthy dose of sobriety, a healthy dose of fear of relapse, and hopefully a healthy plan for the event, you’re ready to face this thing down. You can do this!

    • FitFatFood August 22, 2014 at 6:12 am #

      Thanks! Night 1 successfully done, let’s hope my complete disinterest in drinking continues…

    • FitFatFood August 24, 2014 at 6:34 pm #

      Thank you! It was so much easier than I imagined- just not that interested in alcohol. Why would I choose disaster and shame over fun and serenity?

  7. Lilly August 22, 2014 at 5:38 am #

    I completely understand your trepidation. However, I think (hope) you will find it easier than you fear to resist. I have been in situations like that and not drinking felt sooooo good in contrast because the contrast is so much clearer when it’s been something dramatic like that. You can do it!!! Can’t wait to hear all about it. We will be here, standing behind you, having your back, cheering you on. xoxox

    • FitFatFood August 22, 2014 at 6:12 am #

      Like a little sober angel, in a cheerleading outfit? Ace! 😉 thanks Lily x

    • FitFatFood August 24, 2014 at 6:30 pm #

      Thank you Lily! It went well and as you wisely say, the contrast is a real boost in wobbly moments! X x

      • Lilly August 25, 2014 at 8:04 am #

        Yay yay yay! I have only just logged in so maybe you’ve written about it already but if not can’t wait to hear the details. YAY YOU! xx

  8. Rachel Black August 22, 2014 at 12:53 pm #

    Yes, you will do it. It will be another ‘first’, albeit a big one. I had a similar sounding challenge around 6 months when I had considered drinking at X or deciding whether to continue with the sobriety thing.It was an annual event and I decided that I would do it sober, just this once, to give it a fair trial, and if it was awful I could return to drinking the next time. I figured I had done so many events with the familiar drunken pattern that I should be able to do it without booze just this once.

    I’m trying to refocus on my weight gain now. I think we have a lot in common so do drop by my blog and give me a shout!

    http://www.soberisthenewrachelblack.blogspot.co.uk

    • FitFatFood August 24, 2014 at 6:29 pm #

      Thank you! I’ll check your blog out 🙂 I’m about to write a weight and food related post… Need to look at this area again.

  9. themiracleisaroundthecorner August 23, 2014 at 12:45 pm #

    Which means, if I’m calculating correctly, that I’m reading this on the very day it’s happening! I am praying for you, and wishing you all the best thoughts today, and I can’t wait to read your success story tonight 🙂

    • FitFatFood August 24, 2014 at 6:26 pm #

      Thank you! And your calculations were correct! When I have some time I’ll be posting about it all very soon 🙂

  10. Faith August 27, 2014 at 3:27 am #

    I’ve just finished reading your blog from the beginning. I found it on August 21, my day 20. I was thinking, “maybe I can have just one….” But I didn’t because of you. Thank you for your beautiful, honest account. I’ll continue to follow.

    • FitFatFood August 29, 2014 at 9:13 am #

      Wow faith, thank you. So pleased to hear it.

      I was reflecting this morning on how dramatically different my emotional life is. Radically so.

      People told me it just gets better and I was sceptical but it’s so true. Let me know how you’re getting on x x x

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