Emotional Landscape

29 Aug

Life has been 110mph of late. I’ve had no internet to check in on the blogs, no time to get to meetings. Working every hour god sends whilst trying to renovate my home is not a recipe for serenity. And yet…

My emotional landscape is the most stable it has ever been. Whatever each day throws at me, I deal with it, usually without getting too flustered.

I use the term “landscape” because now I feel like I’m standing on top of a hill, surveying my emotional life that rolls over the land below.

Look! Over there, a knotty crag that’s my former abusive relationship. Over there, the little lake of joy that is my running and racing memories. On the periphery of my vision is my resentment at being an alcoholic, a little dark corner tucked away from sight, which only affects my view if I turn my full attention to it. Glimmering on the horizon is a land unknown that represents a future full of excitement and challenges and joy and sadness.

When I was drinking, I was standing at the bottom of this seemingly insurmountable mountain, never believing I’d get up. I remember once likening my feelings about stopping drinking to the ancient myth of Sisphyus, who was eternally condemned to pushing a rock up a hill that would roll down upon him, setting him at square one.

I could barely even think about the view I’d find if I got to the top of that mountain. All that emotional stuff was, I thought, what was causing me to drink in the first place. I’d never be able to cope with life sober. I’d be suffocated by my emotions.

But here’s the thing. You have to “cope” much less when you’re sober. Magical things happen inside you help you through life’s trials. You need to put the emotional work in in whatever form that takes for you (blogging, therapy, recovery meetings) but the rest feels, to me, like it’s being taken care of by my sobriety.

This time last year I was on the brink of hospitalising myself through drinking when I had kidney issues. Then, I was so caught in the cycle I couldn’t see another way out. I drank to make my illness feel better. Just beyond mad.

I blogged recently about the differences a year makes, and the big event I was referring to where last year I disgraced myself passed absolutely fine. It was easier to get through than I thought it would be because sobriety suits me. I’ve put the work in, I’ve struggled through the hard times and today, I’m reaping the rewards.

Happy Friday!

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11 Responses to “Emotional Landscape”

  1. lucy2610 August 29, 2014 at 9:56 am #

    Great post lovely 🙂 xx

  2. Another Day One August 29, 2014 at 12:26 pm #

    “Sobriety suits me.” I love that!

  3. momma bee August 29, 2014 at 1:46 pm #

    what a fab post~ made me smile 🙂 xoxo

  4. Bea August 29, 2014 at 3:17 pm #

    “Sobriety suits me” is a wonderful expression. Enjoy the rewards; you’ve earned them.

    • FitFatFood August 29, 2014 at 8:39 pm #

      Thank you. It makes sense to me to be sober- it suits my personality and demeanour waaaay better than drinking did 🙂

  5. primrose August 29, 2014 at 6:44 pm #

    great stuff FFF! so glad you are on your mountain. you certainly get a new perspective with sobriety. feel so enlightened some days I worry my head will explode 😉 but then RL kicks in again and that worry fades…but it is lovely while it lasts.

    and what I keep finding is that I think I’ve got to the top – and then it just keeps on getting bloody better! xx

    • FitFatFood August 29, 2014 at 8:38 pm #

      Well THAT is encouraging 🙂 sometimes I tumble down the mountain but I’m fitter so I can power back up! Hope you are doing ok x x

  6. Annie August 31, 2014 at 4:23 pm #

    I love reading your posts; they really help me. I’m back at Day 1 but have started a blog to try and be more accountable. Will you have a look? It’s at: annieuk101.wordpress.com

    • FitFatFood August 31, 2014 at 8:41 pm #

      Thanks so much for the link Annie 🙂 many day 1s and then one day it clicks…

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