In sobriety, I have become reacquainted with an old friend: my intuition, my gut feeling, my sense of judgement.
When we’re drinking, it’s so hard to live beyond the moment. I once wrote here that the only approach to life I could handle was, paradoxically, one day at a time”, trying to get through each hangover, often just waiting for the next drink to take the discomfort away.
In sobriety, things for me are often, and perhaps more than I’d like, startlingly clear. I’m able to tune into that deep down feeling that helps me make the next life choice.
Once again, I’m on the brink of change in a couple of areas of my life. I posted last week that I’ve been seeing a young man and so far, it’s going well. When I say it’s going well, I mean I think he’s absolutely lovely, I fancy the pants off him and he, amazingly, appears to think I’m lovely. But here’s the thing- I’ve got this niggling feeling that throwing myself into that relationship might not be quite the right thing. I’ve got a track record in having relationships for years that I’ve entered being not quite sure, not listening to my gut. But what’s the difference between giving something a chance and entering into something that you know isn’t right? As I type that, I’m not sure it’s as black and white as it “not being right”, but there’s something I’m not sure about. Ugh, once again I’ve exposed something by being too honest with myself on this blog. Why does it have to be a case of “this is the right or wrong thing to do”, when exploring this relationship more tentatively rather than “throwing myself in” would be more sane? Why do I have to drill down into my feelings incessantly? I sometimes feel like I’m bound in chains by my own self awareness.
And it’s not just my love life that is getting this super-honest appraisal. Ive got yet another career decision to make again soon. A new job sits on a plate in front of me, which on paper looks fantastic. But there are a few things about it that are a bit triggery for me. I’ll be working in an environment I know I’ve struggled in in the past. Was I struggling because I was drinking, or was I drinking because I was bored, lonely and hated the horrific office strip lighting? Really, bad lighting can send me insane. Especially in winter.
One of the things I’ve noticed since I’ve let my spiritual practice in AA slip a little is the feeling that everything will be ok. I think I need to meditate a little more, to pray more (and I mean that in the secular “asking the universe” sense).
The benefit of sobriety is that it puts everything into sharp relief, but I can’t help but wishing sometimes I didn’t turn my enormous magnifying glass of self-analysis to every area of my life so frequently.
But this is the cruel luxury of sobriety. We examine, we feel uncomfortable things, we learn, we grow.
This week I’m going to focus a little more on spiritual practice, see what that brings up. See whether I’m truly having strong gut feelings or whether my current million mile an hour pace of life is throwing off my emotional compass a little.
Well, that was a rushed-on-the-bus post, but as ever, it’s helped to get things down on paper. Happy Monday lovely bloggers, happy Monday.