Day 2

2 Sep

This is the best! I feel great! I’m never goin to fall into bad habits again! Sound familiar?

As I woke up this morning, I checked my sobriety app (229 days) and my 21 Day Challenge app. I looked at the measly number 2 there, and my “cycle of day 1s” when I was drinking came back to me. That feeling that you don’t have any significant time under your belt, you’ve got less to lose, so starting over isn’t a big deal. You feel so great, you convince yourself there was never a problem in the first place…

It’s so easy to fall into self sabotage when you can’t feel any tangible fruits of your labours. Like the deeper spiritual and emotional shifts that come with time. Before I knew I had a drinking problem that was serious, I’d go through the same cycle over and over again. Drink bottle of wine, feel shit and depressed, have 2-3 days off, feel normal again and think there was no harm in drinking again. It was only when I started attempting longer stretches of sobriety that I realised the huge benefits of sticking with it beyond those first few painful weeks. But I don’t like emotional pain. I like to be soothed. Immediately.

What will happen when I taKe away my other destructive behaviour?

It’s not rocket science, what I’m trying to do here, to kick a bad sugar habit, but in some senses it’s as important as my sobriety. Because when you take weight or health out of the equation, you’re left with the same root problem that fuelled my drinking: managing my emotions.

Thankfully, I have fewer emotions to manage these days. Fewer perhaps is the wrong word. Less extreme. Less painful. Less likely to swing so dramatically between extremes it knocks me sideways.

Today, I’m sleep deprived, under a lot of work pressure and in desperate need of some “me” time. This is classic “fall into a cappuccino and illicit mid afternoon chocolate bar” territory. I’m going to have my (second!) morning coffee, but will focus on a well balanced satisfying lunch. Not the usual protein + a few salad leaves nonsense. Something that actually nourishes me and makes me feel good. It’s the food version of self care. If I deprive myself of it, I binge. See the parallels?

As I mentioned yesterday, I’m trying to carve out some more time for writing. For me, reflection is growth. It’s my emotional yardstick. When I look back at some of my posts when I was drinking, I barely recognise the person contained within them. When I struggle nowadays, reading one of those anguished entries makes me grateful for how far I’ve come. Hopefully blogging through this 21 day challenge will help in a similar way.

Happy Tuesday lovely blogging friends.

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3 Responses to “Day 2”

  1. Annie September 2, 2014 at 8:59 am #

    Hello! I’ve been reading through your earlier posts, one a day, as it helps me with my own progress (or lack of it sometimes). Only on Day 3 here, but it does feel different now I’m blogging, and I’m certainly finding it helpful to write a post every day, at least for the moment. Keep going with your 21 day challenge! Annie x

  2. primrose September 2, 2014 at 12:37 pm #

    I remember first reading the term ’emotional sobriety’ on your blog and reading up on it and finding the concept so useful. in particular the idea of releasing ourselves from our dependence on tangible things, on people and circumstances to achieve contentment.

    it’s nice to have you around a bit more, too! xx

    • FitFatFood September 3, 2014 at 6:16 am #

      It’s a really valuable concept eh? I sometimes forget that drinking is only a very small part of my story- 2-3 years of quickly going downhill vs a lifetime of emotional chaos.

      In fact, I think this should be what I write about today. Thanks prim!

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