Losing my Shit

10 Sep

I occupy that weird, paradoxical space between being insanely organised and thorough and a complete scatterbrain.

This morning, I’ve once again lost my expensive railcard. It’s shattered my serene pool of sobriety that I’ve been bathing in the past few days. But it doesn’t matter. None of this money, possessions, inconvenience stuff matters if I stay sober.

The contrast between my perfectionist and scatty side was illustrated perfectly by my drinking. I’d work my arse of all week at work and the gym and regularly throw all that into chaos by drinking. Why do we do this to ourselves?

I’m really annoyed with myself this morning, but then I look at the hours I’m working, the lack of sleep, the huge project I’ve got underway outside work and think: something’s got to give. I can’t have it all, all the time. I’ll make mistakes. I just need to make sure I make the right mistakes… A bit of clumsiness, dizziness or harmless thoughtlessness is forgivable when drinking might be the alternative.

I’m on day 9 of my 21 day challenge. The intention was to go cold turkey on some bad food habits and see what that brought up. So far, the results have been surprising; nothing. I don’t want to tempt fate, but I’m slowly coming to the realisation that day to day, my shit is more sorted than I thought. I’m relying on external crutches less than I’d imagined. All this sobriety work and therapy has been working away under the surface.

So with that positive in mind, can I keep looking at bad habits I need to improve, like constantly losing things? I don’t know. I’ve always been this way. What if they aren’t habits, but part of who I am? I don’t know. I’m thinking and typing out loud on a very rushed train journey. How do we change the things about ourselves we don’t like? Are my messy, ditzy tendencies habits I can break, or part of me?

There’s work to do, there’s always more work to do. But aiming for progress not perfection is keeping me going.

It’s AA day today, and that always helps me check in with where I am for the week.

Happy Wednesday!

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13 Responses to “Losing my Shit”

  1. Bea September 10, 2014 at 7:37 am #

    Progress not perfection. Yes! Be gentle on yourself. From where I’m standing, you’re doing brilliantly 🙂

    • FitFatFood September 11, 2014 at 4:23 pm #

      Awww thanks bea! That’s lovely. Little improvements often make big ones eh? X x

  2. lucy2610 September 10, 2014 at 8:57 am #

    I’m with Bea 😉 xx

  3. primrose September 10, 2014 at 9:09 am #

    ah…. the losing things…so me. my party trick atm is to pay for something with a card then just walk away leaving the card behind. which means I have to go back for the card at vast inconvenience. or alternatively cancel it then have no source of cash for the time it takes for another card to arrive. which means telling Mr P I have done this thing YET AGAIN. sigh.

    glad that the eating thing has being going well without too much input (touch wood!) how lovely to think that the sobriety work helps us in other directions too – so it jolly well should the amount it took out of us! xx

    • FitFatFood September 11, 2014 at 4:23 pm #

      Indeed! It’s paying dividends at last 🙂

      And *snort* at your “party trick”- very unfortunate but as ever, you make it sound funny in the telling of it!

  4. momma bee September 10, 2014 at 10:16 am #

    Wow- I see your progress too in so many ways. Sometimes we don’t see but others on the outside do~ like you I think that ha part if our make up, super organized but at the same time, scattered brained with little things. I think it is part of us and part of getting older. I see it in my mom and now me~ I see so many traits my mom has and I now do, including alcoholism. On the food challenge, I found it
    Much easier to give up sugar now that alcohol has not been in my system for a few months- at least right now it is.

    Hugs to you- stay in touch! MB
    xoxo

  5. ainsobriety September 10, 2014 at 3:43 pm #

    I’m inclined to be the same way. Sometimes it’s because I am trying to do too many things at once.
    I try to practice mindfulness, even for boring things like laundry. Finish one load. Put it away. Move on.
    Otherwise I half finish a million jobs and never feel accomplished.
    In the end, I think I am more efficient not multitasking. I am definitely less stressed.
    Having a place for things also helps. Otherwise I would be looking for my ID card every day! Choose one small thing to change. Like where you put your rail card every time. A special pocket in your purse or backpack. And do it every day.
    Progress not perfection is always the best way to go.

    • FitFatFood September 11, 2014 at 4:20 pm #

      Thanks for the tips, if only I actually took them on board! I’ll do my best 🙂

  6. ruby September 10, 2014 at 9:07 pm #

    ‘progress not perfection’ is so hard for me to keep in perspective. i am so impatient that i often can’t see any progress i’ve made which leads to a case of the eff-its which leads to drinking…guess i’ve got some work to do. glad to know you turned it around today though.

    • FitFatFood September 11, 2014 at 4:20 pm #

      The eff its are dangerous… I’ve had a feeling today I might like to drink. But I won’t. I promise.

  7. sillymelove September 11, 2014 at 2:38 pm #

    There’s work to do, there’s always more work to do. But aiming for progress not perfection is keeping me going. PERFECT!

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