Gut Feelings

29 Sep

In sobriety, I have become reacquainted with an old friend: my intuition, my gut feeling, my sense of judgement.

When we’re drinking, it’s so hard to live beyond the moment. I once wrote here that the only approach to life I could handle was, paradoxically, one day at a time”, trying to get through each hangover, often just waiting for the next drink to take the discomfort away.

In sobriety, things for me are often, and perhaps more than I’d like, startlingly clear. I’m able to tune into that deep down feeling that helps me make the next life choice.

Once again, I’m on the brink of change in a couple of areas of my life. I posted last week that I’ve been seeing a young man and so far, it’s going well. When I say it’s going well, I mean I think he’s absolutely lovely, I fancy the pants off him and he, amazingly, appears to think I’m lovely. But here’s the thing- I’ve got this niggling feeling that throwing myself into that relationship might not be quite the right thing. I’ve got a track record in having relationships for years that I’ve entered being not quite sure, not listening to my gut. But what’s the difference between giving something a chance and entering into something that you know isn’t right? As I type that, I’m not sure it’s as black and white as it “not being right”, but there’s something I’m not sure about. Ugh, once again I’ve exposed something by being too honest with myself on this blog. Why does it have to be a case of “this is the right or wrong thing to do”, when exploring this relationship more tentatively rather than “throwing myself in” would be more sane? Why do I have to drill down into my feelings incessantly? I sometimes feel like I’m bound in chains by my own self awareness.

And it’s not just my love life that is getting this super-honest appraisal. Ive got yet another career decision to make again soon. A new job sits on a plate in front of me, which on paper looks fantastic. But there are a few things about it that are a bit triggery for me. I’ll be working in an environment I know I’ve struggled in in the past. Was I struggling because I was drinking, or was I drinking because I was bored, lonely and hated the horrific office strip lighting? Really, bad lighting can send me insane. Especially in winter.

One of the things I’ve noticed since I’ve let my spiritual practice in AA slip a little is the feeling that everything will be ok. I think I need to meditate a little more, to pray more (and I mean that in the secular “asking the universe” sense).

The benefit of sobriety is that it puts everything into sharp relief, but I can’t help but wishing sometimes I didn’t turn my enormous magnifying glass of self-analysis to every area of my life so frequently.

But this is the cruel luxury of sobriety. We examine, we feel uncomfortable things, we learn, we grow.

This week I’m going to focus a little more on spiritual practice, see what that brings up. See whether I’m truly having strong gut feelings or whether my current million mile an hour pace of life is throwing off my emotional compass a little.

Well, that was a rushed-on-the-bus post, but as ever, it’s helped to get things down on paper. Happy Monday lovely bloggers, happy Monday.

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12 Responses to “Gut Feelings”

  1. lucy2610 September 29, 2014 at 7:20 am #

    Sounds like a good plan to me 🙂 xx

  2. Annie September 29, 2014 at 10:05 am #

    My gut feeling has often taken me down the wrong path, so I’m now a believer in trying things out! And I’m so grateful that your blog provides you with a place where you can get your feelings down on screen. My blog has been a lifesaver for me these last 30 days. Yes! 30 days! Annie x

  3. ainsobriety September 29, 2014 at 2:49 pm #

    Wow. You have lots going on in your life!
    Self awareness is a funny thing. Once you have it you can’t turn it off!

    Have you read the alchemist? I try to look at tose gut feelings as my heart whispering to me. If I truly feel something might not be quite right, I am more inclined to move back from it and see what happens. A little space can sometimes open your eyes to the big picture.

    I think meditating is a great idea. You know yourself the best. If this boy/job/decision seems wrong, do what you need to set yourself up for success.

    Even with good self awareness we will make mistakes, wrong decisions, etc. they help us grow, however unpleasant they might be. As long as we choose to go through them and not drink through them!

    Have a good Monday!

    Anne

    • FitFatFood October 2, 2014 at 6:00 am #

      Do you know, I have never read the alchemist, I should rectify that.

      And I suppose I do have a lot going on. I seem to have carved out a life where change is always around the corner… This week feels better than last, less stress, more sobriety thank goodness 🙂

  4. byebyebeer September 29, 2014 at 3:52 pm #

    I can relate to so much here. I think of that gut instinct/clarity as a side effect of spirituality, maybe simply because listening to it has helped me more than anything in sobriety. Incidentally, tuning in to that instinct has helped me a little (I think) with the curse of self-awareness and always looking for the pitfall or shortcoming. I’ve learned to sometimes listen and let go of worries, no doubt a side effect of sobriety and that learning and growing process. The clarity seems to keep building. Anyway, great post, made a really nice read for me this morning 🙂

    • FitFatFood October 2, 2014 at 5:52 am #

      Thank you. Tuning in and listening to that feeling is sometimes brilliant, sometimes uncomfortable but I’d say the ability to do so is unequivocally A GOod Thing as long as it doesn’t provoke negative behaviours. X x

  5. paulanonyma September 30, 2014 at 4:11 pm #

    Intuition can be tricky,but I do believe in following your gut. However, I have learned the hard way that listening to every thought that pops into my head is not intuition. You seem like a sensitive person, possibly an empath (the part about being affected by those ugly florescent lights points to that!). There is a great book by Judith Orloff called Positive Energy that might be a nice read for you.

    • FitFatFood October 2, 2014 at 5:50 am #

      An empath? I’ve never heard this before- need to look it up. And thanks for the book recommendation 🙂

  6. Suky October 10, 2014 at 3:48 pm #

    You’re months ahead of me in recovery, but I’ve got six years of recovery from wrong relationships! Always listen to your inner voice! If by chance your inner voice is wrong and the guy is right, then things will still work out 🙂

    • FitFatFood October 10, 2014 at 7:14 pm #

      Ahhhh very wise words Suky, thank you

    • FitFatFood October 14, 2014 at 10:24 pm #

      I think my inner voice was right Suki, but I’m still trying to ignore it, alas…

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