Happiness Forgets

3 Oct

IMG_1252-0.JPG

For me, drinking was often about maximising happiness. I’d get excited, and want to either temper or exaggerate that feeling. But the natural consequence of alcohol for me was that happy high was soon followed by a deep depression.

I cannot stress enough how my alcoholism is/was tied up in mood. I never understood this fully until I stopped. Alcohol did not adversely effect my behaviour. I didn’t get teary, fighty or particularly sad whilst drinking. But my mood in the days afterwards would plummet. I didn’t think I could have an alcohol problem if I didn’t behave badly. But I unequivocally do.

I saw doctors for depression, anxiety and an eating disorder, but never worked out the role alcohol played in this painful puzzle. I’d feel ok for a few days, then drink again and plunge back into desperation.

Now I’m sober, I haven’t ONCE felt those lows again. I hope the creep of darker days and winter won’t tip me back into problematic territory. I won’t know until I spend my first entire winter sober. If the last (nearly!) 9 months have been anything to go by, it will be immeasurably better than winters before.

I’m writing this post because at moments during my drinking and depression I thought I’d never feel “normal.” That I’d been born this way. That there was a fundamental disparity between the bubbly, confident person I could sometimes be and the cowering soul that shook alone in bed, lurching through the depths of a hangover in despair.

Now I know it wasn’t me that was the problem. It was the alcohol. I can work on the bits of me I don’t like, but only now the Doom Juice is out of the picture.

I am so happy at the moment. Life is so fast paced and stressful and brilliant and I love it. I feel like I’m in some sort of golden period where all is just as I want it to be, happy and fulfilling and just great.

And with this happiness comes the temptation to drink. The furtive wink of a glass of champagne at a party, the slow beckoning of a dewy glass of Pinot Grigio, the seductive smell of my favourite red. It’s always an arm’s length away, calling me.

I posted last week about my momentary frustration with AA and the need to prioritise sober work. But as I write this post I understand. One of the key pillars of sobriety is remembering the value of what we have, so the siren call of alcohol can’t lure us and wreck our little boats upon the rocks.

Thanks to putting pen to paper during my darkest moments and these wonderful blogs, it’s something I can remind myself of daily. I fully intent to stay on the sober side.

Happy Friday!

Advertisements

9 Responses to “Happiness Forgets”

  1. girlonthelearn October 3, 2014 at 7:33 pm #

    This could be me! It’s the after effect that is really the problem for me. The horrible depression, the feeling of being chemically imbalanced for days after drinking. I get so down, almost paranoid, I retreat into myself… it sucks. Really starting to feel how good it feels without that in my sober times, and wanting to avoid it. Thanks for this great post.

  2. moretomethanthis October 3, 2014 at 7:49 pm #

    Except for the first few weeks of sobriety, when I felt totally off kilter and went off the emotional deep end frequently, I feel on much more of an even keel now, much more stable and in control. I still get moments when I feel horribly desperate, but nothing like when I was drinking. I do appreciate the stability that I have now – I think drinking and depression / anxiety work in a negative cycle – the one driving the other and making it worse, round and round. Feeling bad, have a drink, feel worse, drink again to cheer up, and repeat. It’s so good to get out of that cycle.
    Glad life is good with you 🙂 xx

  3. ainsobriety October 3, 2014 at 9:06 pm #

    I also had the severe booze hangover of depression and anxiety. In the last year it crept into my drinking.myhe previously happy drip hunk me would become almost suicidal. Especially with pms time. That was really scary. And probably what drove me to the final decision to quit entirely.
    I had never seen a dr about depression and never thought of myself as depressed, but clearly I was, and had been for a long time. Looking back at my disordered eating and exercising is a big flag.

    I also never ft normal. I felt like I was just slightly out of synch with the world. Being sober and taking an antidepressant have changed that. I feel comfortable in my skin. Finally.
    That is a powerful thing.

    Thanks for the reminder.

    Anne

  4. littlemsjones October 3, 2014 at 10:33 pm #

    Winter is always tough for me. My alcohol consumption and craziness definitely spikes in the darker months. I think it is great you are going into winter with so many sober months under your belt.

  5. clearlee October 4, 2014 at 4:25 am #

    Hey FFF! Awesome post. I can totally relate. My mental health is 100x better since I have quit drinking. I no longer feel depressed! It is amazing. I love being sober. xo

  6. Annie October 4, 2014 at 9:33 am #

    I am also wary of feeling low as winter approaches. And what you say about temptations creeping in as my mood lifts – that is also true for me. So I feel as though I need to be constantly working at it; it’s exhausting! Annie x

  7. lucy2610 October 4, 2014 at 10:42 am #

    Doom juice – love that! 🙂 xx

  8. Lisa Neumann October 4, 2014 at 2:22 pm #

    I love everything about this post. I too felt that alcohol maximized everything happy, until I learned it only maxed everything out of proportion. I’m so happy for you. I’m going to stay sober today too!! Love and hugs, Lisa

Trackbacks/Pingbacks

  1. repost: happiness forgets | club east: indianapolis - October 3, 2014

    […] fitfatfood on the oddity of emotional highs and lows: […]

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

The Art of Keeping Going

A blog that's mostly about not drinking.

trufflesfreedom

Starting a life of sobriety and freedom.

waking up, being sober

and trying to make sense of what follows

Off-Dry

I got sober. Life got big.

Hungry Girl Eats

Notes on the care and feeding of body, mind and spirit.

DominantSoul

The Erotic Art of Sensual Domination

lydia davies

author of 'Raw, the diary of an anorexic'

You Deserve a Donut.

Boo for Eating Disorders.

800 Recovery Hub Blog

Written by people in recovery for people in recovery

My Road To Abstinence

Sober, me? Really?

ainsobriety

Trying to ace sober living

tired of treading water

Ditching the drink and waking up

Shadow. Ash. Spirit. Flame.

Out of Shadow and Ash, Spirit ascends and blazes Light.

The drinking Stops Today

My attempt to quit drinking....

Good Morning Mercies

Seeking beauty and balance overcoming chronic illness and addictions

sparkly sober

writing my way out of drinking

We Admitted We Were Powerless

A journey of recovery

A Woman Without Wine

If you always do what you’ve always done, you’ll always get what you’ve always got

Mind-Full Mom-E

Being sober & clear headed with a mind that is full!

12 the hard way

ruminations on the twelve steps.

superbly sober

A girl trying to get sober in a boozy world.

Recovering From Powerlessness

A journey of recovery from everything

soberchoices101

One day at a time

nomorewine's Blog

The greatest WordPress.com site in all the land!

Ditch The Grog Blog

A Quest to Sobriety!

Lucy's New Life

Goodbye booze. Hello clarity, health and happiness.

The Adventures of a Sober Señorita

Follow me as I live la vida loca (but sober)

Party.0

Getting crazy with no consequences!

The Six Year Hangover

A BLOG BY A GAY MAN GETTING SOBER IN NEW YORK CITY.

And Everything Afterwards

How I quit alcohol and discovered the beauty of a sober life

Just A Rock

The trials of a young woman awkwardly trudging her way to happy destiny

Life Unbuzzed

Rowing my sober boat gently down the stream

Alcoholics NON Anonymous

Step 1: POWERLESSNESS is not real.

The Lotus Chronicles

Just like the lotus we too have the ability to rise from the mud, bloom out of the darkness and radiate love and beauty.

Living Free

A fine WordPress.com site

messyarts

lettuce turnip the beet.

Seeing Clear Lee

musings on becoming alcohol-free

Sober at 51

Enough is enough...

%d bloggers like this: