Births Deaths and Marriages

What a couple of weeks. Not only has my work life been more full on that ever, I’ve been on an emotional roller coaster of celebrating friends’ babies (jealousy- tinged joy), marriages (jealousy-tinged joy) and attending the funeral of someone very dear to me (all-consuming grief). I’m feeling more raw than I have for a while.

Alongside these big events, has come being ditched by the man I was seeing, and the falling through of the next big work project. Both of these were blessings in disguise- I wrote a few weeks ago about my intuition that neither of these things were right for me, but I was willing to go along with them because they gave me the security I craved. I really wanted to have someone there for me, and I really wanted the next job to fall into my lap. But both have serendipitiously crumbled, forcing me to not only turn the ‘truth’ magnifying glass upon these situations and realising that as usual, my instincts were right, but my will was wrong. It’s been a brilliant exercise in knowing myself. Listening to what I know to be true, and not overriding my gut instincts.

On more than one occasion, I’ve wished the warm arms of red wine could soothe me, especially as the crisp autumn days and smoky smells are upon us. And yet we all know that this is not the solution. The solution is getting more sleep, it’s feeling my feelings, it’s helping others, it’s slowing down my mile-a-minute existence.

I’ve had such a fantastic year, and today as I looked at the 2014 calendar, I found it impossible to believe that not a drop of alcohol has entered my system since January 14th. It’s amazing what I’ve achieved this year and I can feel proud because this time, I’m doing it sober, rather than having Alcoholic Imposter Syndrome which has tempered all my achievements of recent years.

I’m in control. I’m an alcoholic, taking control of that. I know I’m an alcoholic because there’s a man sitting next to me on the train who hasn’t touched the mini bottle of wine he purchased 45 MINUTES ago. I know i”m alcoholic because I’ve been turning over in my mind buying a bottle of wine now, but knowing that tomorrow, I’m going somewhere I can’t drink all day, and that would be torture. The only way to get over a hangover is to drink, right? I know I’m an alcoholic because I want to temper all my emotions with booze.

I’m so grateful to be sober now, because I think of the path of growth ahead of me if I stay on this path. I’ve grown and emotionally matured so much in a year, gained so much and I want to keep stepping forward, not falling back.

My life is so full, overly full sometimes, and I remember writing just over a year ago that suddenly, drinking had made my big world small. I was sitting cocooned in my tiny room, furtively drinking red wine and not knowing how I’d got to this place. In the past 12 months, I have spent just 34 days drinking, having had a relapse after I stopped last November. I’ve got my sober muscles flexed and ready to take on the challenges that will come before the end of the year. And that feels empowering. Yeeeha!