Sober Sex

18 Nov

Always a delicate thing to talk about, the old sexy time, and a pretty awkward one to write about despite the anonymity of this blog, but I’m feeling a bit Carrie Bradshaw today…

I hope you’ll allow me this opportunity to talk about something I never talk about. After all, this is a blog where I spill my most secret thoughts and feelings, so why not…

Yesterday, I was telling a friend about someone I’ve been dating who I unexpectedly slept with after we got carried away because it felt right. Her immediate reaction was “wow, and you don’t even DRINK!”

This response really made me reflect on the things we gain the courage to do in sobriety, with sex being up there as a scary sober thing for many of us. I think when we’re drinking, the loss of inhibitions means that intimate things come more easily to us. And what counts as intimate to us can be anything: sitting beside strangers at a wedding, confiding in someone, letting our true colours show when drunk or having sex.

As a single person, sleeping around was never something I did when drinking. I was raised in a very religious family and only had sexual relationships with the 2 long term partners I’d had. And even those made me feel guilty. But then, one night some way into my singledom something happened that crystallised how I felt about drinking:

I was going through a dating phase and met one guy who I actually felt attracted to. On the second date I drank a bottle (or 2?) of wine, took him home and slept with him. This was UNHEARD of. My best friend nearly fell of her chair with shock when I told her. I spent the next day absolutely cowering with remorse, self loathing and guilt. I couldn’t believe what had happened and concluded that casual sex wasn’t for me. The way I felt the morning after definitely falls into “worst drinking episodes.”

But here’s the thing. Since stopping drinking that has changed. I haven’t gone wild, but I have had a couple of casual sexual partners. And it’s been amazing for me.

Like everything I do I in sobriety, I see and feel it entirely differently because I’m sober. It’s like every situation I ever drank in became tainted a dark colour by the booze and shame. Now, I own my actions because I did them willingly, with all my faculties about me and CHOSE to take a certain path.

The Sex Thing I’ve been trying out has been truly liberating. Readers of this blog know that I’ve historically been very uptight and letting loose a bit has been just what I needed. Within the bounds of being safe and sensible and not selling myself cheap, I hasten to add.

The other thing that has really transformed for me, and sex has played a part in this, is how I feel about my body. This blog is peppered with woeful posts about recovering from eating and body image issues, feeling fat, being weight obsessed and wanting to restrict or binge. Subtly this has shifted the longer I’ve been sober and I no longer feel negatively towards my body. I can actually say I love my body, in fact. That’s real progress, a whole post in itself in fact, which I’ll save for another time. But being intimate with someone who I have a strong connection with, who I trust and who helps me to see my body from an outside perspective is amazing. I feel proud of my body, of its shape and the liberating feeling using it in this way is giving me. The way it looks and feels has changed, of course, since stopping drinking, but not in the way I might have imagined. It looks healthy and firm and strong now, not weak and skinny as I was once aspiring to.

I am banging on a bit today, and for that I apologise, but writing all of these things out helps me and I hope shows some of the surprising side effects of sobriety.



10 Responses to “Sober Sex”

  1. ainsobriety November 18, 2014 at 10:28 pm #

    I love this. I have found a real change in my body image and self love as well. I feel more confident and so much less self conscious.

    I think you have developed an excellent sense of self awareness and a willingness to take care of your own needs. That is extremely inspiring and so wonderful for you to share!


    • FitFatFood November 18, 2014 at 10:29 pm #

      Thank you. It’s important to share the positives as well as the “argghjj I feel shitty” moments 😉

      • ainsobriety November 18, 2014 at 10:36 pm #

        Me too! I try hard to share the huge and surprising benefits of sobriety on my blog as I am constantly amazed at them!

  2. Bea November 18, 2014 at 10:54 pm #

    A wonderful, joyous, liberating post. Go you! 🙂 x

  3. Phoenix November 18, 2014 at 11:22 pm #

    Good for you! 🙂 It is really cool to see all the ways in which we are loving our sober selves.

    • FitFatFood November 18, 2014 at 11:29 pm #

      Thank you Phoenix. And the unsurprising forms that takes 🙂

  4. carrythemessage November 19, 2014 at 1:36 pm #

    As a guy, I feel a bit awkward replying, but I am just glad that you are feeling better about your body and feeling comfortable in your own skin. We often don’t discuss the physical part of recovery, whether it be exercise or intimacy. Important things.

    Thanks for sharing 🙂


    • FitFatFood November 21, 2014 at 8:56 am #

      Thanks Paul. If we don’t talk openly, it seems a little silly 🙂

  5. carrieonsober November 19, 2014 at 3:57 pm #

    Sounds like someone’s got a spring in her step and a smile on her face 🙂
    Always great to hear the positive stuff that comes out of being sober and really being present. Here’s to many more.
    I think I like it when you go all Carrie!!

    • FitFatFood November 19, 2014 at 4:00 pm #

      Hahaha your namesake!

      Bit embarrassing to post but hey 🙂

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