Relapse

22 Dec

This weekend was a reflective one for me, because it was precisely a year ago that I had my last relapse.

I was 40+ days sober and drank again. It started small and then spiralled out of control very very quickly. It was the final piece of proof I needed that I am unequivocally an alcoholic.

I thought that one or two nights of drinking wouldn’t hurt, that with so much decent sobriety under my belt I could just pick back up where I left off. Now I know this isn’t true in the slightest. It took me weeks of misery and one final “rock bottom” moment to get back to sobriety. And to get back, things had to get really really bad- on my last day of drinking I started on the wine at 10:30am, because I was stressed and hadn’t had enough to drink the night before.

During those final few weeks of my drinking, I wrote a post while drunk, where i itemised what I’d had that day: “4 glasses of wine, a nap, a bottle of cava, beer and gin and tonic.” In this post I’m amazingly coherent for someone who had drunk that much. In the old days, that would have been an excuse for why I wasn’t that bad. If I don’t *sound* drunk, it doesn’t count, right?!

Last Christmas was absolutely shrouded in depression and shame. Drinking dragged me down into the gutter and left me there, curled in a ball weeping.

This year things couldn’t be more different. I’m full of hope and vitality and love. I can’t wait to spend a Christmas with my family where I can be fully present.

If I could summarise my experience of the past 12 months in a sentence it would be this: “The impossible made possible.”

Sobriety was always within my grasp, but I couldn’t seize it until something inside clicked for the final time.

Happy Christmassy Monday!

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21 Responses to “Relapse”

  1. lucy2610 December 22, 2014 at 12:31 pm #

    Amazing FFF and and so happy for you! You really do turn the impossible into possible 😉 Happy Xmas lovely xx

  2. cheryl December 22, 2014 at 12:56 pm #

    awesome post FFF. I am only on day 2 and look forward to being sober on both christmas and on new years eve. i love reading all the posts about how much better life is in sobriety. this is not my first day 2 but i believe it will be my last. alcohol is no longer fun for me any longer. thanks for reminding me that the impossible is indeed possible.

    • FitFatFood December 25, 2014 at 4:14 pm #

      Thank you Cheryl, Christmas is a difficult time to get and stay sober, so sending you love and strength during this time x x. X

  3. moretomethanthis December 22, 2014 at 1:50 pm #

    Happy Christmas, FFF!! xx

  4. soberlearning December 22, 2014 at 1:53 pm #

    A very Merry Sober Christmas to you FFF! I continuously wonder what exactly prompts that CLICK. Why then, why not all the times prior? Is that the HP everyone speaks of?
    Thoughts to ponder.
    Have an great time celebrating with your family!:)

  5. primrose December 22, 2014 at 2:35 pm #

    I’m starting to think that one of the unanticipated bonuses of being sober is that we begin to differentiate between annual events, which is wonderful. Whereas previously they were submerged into a lake of ‘we ALWAyS do this..” ie get slaughtered…
    however keep your bullet proof sober underwear handy as relatives not always as sensitive as we could wish yes? Know I have already had to decide not to get irritated by at least two things…
    At this precise moment am sitting in my car having a restorative Twirl bar after having done the ‘definitely last bits and pieces’ shop! Here’s to you FFF and a fantastic Christmas and 2015 ahead! Xxx

    • FitFatFood December 25, 2014 at 4:13 pm #

      Lovely Primrose, you are the best. That is all. Merry Christmas to you x x x x

  6. ainsobriety December 22, 2014 at 5:24 pm #

    The impossible made possible. I think that sums my year up perfectly as well!
    Thank you! Have a beautiful christmas.

    Anne

  7. soberp82 December 22, 2014 at 7:06 pm #

    Love this post! Well done on how far you’ve come this year 🙂

  8. carrieonsober December 22, 2014 at 8:48 pm #

    What a long way you’ve come – hope you have the wonderful festive time you deserve. Happy Christnas time xxxx

    • FitFatFood December 25, 2014 at 4:12 pm #

      Thank you C- a very long way from crying on you in that Starbucks! Thanks for being instrumental in my recovery x

  9. Lilly December 22, 2014 at 11:37 pm #

    Am so proud of you and so wonderful to read this. You know, when I read it I thought that ‘at least it only took weeks to get back’ (not to be minimising), just because when I had that 7 months off and then drank again, it really was another year of on-off-on-off. I really hope I’m done now for good. One thing that always strikes me reading posts like this is that people are *always* much happier after a longtime sober. You never really read anyone saying “Well I’ve been sober a year now and it sucks – I was so much better off drinking”.

    Anyway, as Carrie said, you have come so so so so far. Yay you! And a Merry Sober Sparkly Christmas to you my dear.

    Lilly xo

    • FitFatFood December 25, 2014 at 4:12 pm #

      Lovely Lily thank you.

      I was thinking about you as I ran this morning and youre right- i was lucky it only took a few weeks. In AA they talk about “the gift of desperation” and I certainly had that after last Christmas. We both know that the “its not that bad really” vibes are killer for us when we sometimes find drinking ok.

      I also agree with what you said about people never truly moaning about sobriety. I remember once thinking “I never wake up thinking God, I wish I’d drunk last night.” And it’s true.

      Wishing you all the sober love in the world for a peaceful Christmas and truly happy new year x x

  10. wheatism December 23, 2014 at 8:02 am #

    Congratulations! I’m coming up to the anniversary of my ‘rock bottom’ so I can appreciate how significant these milestones are. I love your line “Sobriety was always within my grasp, but I couldn’t seize it until something inside clicked for the final time.”. Well done and keep it up. Thanks

    • FitFatFood December 23, 2014 at 4:42 pm #

      Well done on coming so far too. It’s a long road to here but worth every step x

  11. pp December 23, 2014 at 8:42 am #

    Congrats on your sober time! I need posts like this to remind me where I came from, especially during the holiday season where alcohol is all over the place.
    May you have a wonderful Christmas season and a great 2015!

    • FitFatFood December 23, 2014 at 4:41 pm #

      Thanks PP! I love that i kept a blog during the tough times so that i had something to look back on…

  12. Amy December 23, 2014 at 4:31 pm #

    My heart sunk when I read the title of this post, but was lifted by the time I read to the end 🙂 It’s crazy how happy I feel for a person that I don’t know! Enjoy the holidays!

    • FitFatFood December 24, 2014 at 2:42 pm #

      Ahhh I should have thought of that with my title! doh! And thank you Amy x

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  1. “Sobriety was always within my grasp, but I couldn’t seize it until something inside clicked…” | My Road To Abstinence - December 23, 2014

    […] is a line from a fellow blogger that struck a cord, especially for me at this time of year. And I’m not talking about […]

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