The Climb

3 Feb

I’ve been struggling quite a bit since I last posted. And I can’t quite work out why. It’s a non-specific struggle, a pit of snakes in my stomach, a desire to self medicate and just take that feeling away.

I don’t imagine that a milestone like finally reaching a year of sobriety can pass without some sort of internal recalibration. But I thought it would, that I’d skip off into the sober sunset and never look back. Alas, no.

Unsurprisingly, I’ve been forced to think about the next turn of the wheel in my sober journey, and that’s felt like a struggle. I’ve been blaming my internal unrest on my sobriety, rather than my tendency to get down and agitated. I’ve resisted doing the things that are good for me (going to meetings, having an active social life to remind myself I’m a social creature) and have wallowed, a little, if I’m honest.

I’ve started to resent having to go to AA and have (gasp) started looking at some of the people around me there with disdain. That’s not like me, and I don’t like it.

In my regular meeting last week, my sponsor’s sponsor, a wise old soul, talked about a phase where you “move from being a consumer of recovery to a provider of recovery” and I think that’s where the change needs to happen. I need to get out of my own head again and help people newer to the programme than I. I need to stop trying so hard to try and be the architect of my own destiny and controlling ever last detail of my life and start praying more. When I pray and release some of that control, life feels easier, and yet I resist.

The good news is, I’ve got enough sober time under my belt to know what works, and that sobriety is like traversing a hilly valley. Sometimes you have the discomfort of a climb, but when you get there you can enjoy the beautiful view at the top. And then comes the descent where everything is just a bit easier.

Sobriety isn’t linear. We laugh, we cry, we grow, we hurt. This discomfort is part of the journey and I’m trying to embrace it as necessary.

It’s snowing here in the UK, so it’s a cosy Happy Tuesday to you all from me! 🙂

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6 Responses to “The Climb”

  1. moretomethanthis February 3, 2015 at 9:23 am #

    You’re a little ahead of me… I am just coming up on one year, and I feel a little strange about it. I find myself thinking it over – a lot – in a way I haven’t done for a while. I’ve just been getting on with life, sober, which is great… was great… I have a few different anniversaries going on at the moment, and I feel that they’re tripping me up a little. I feel, like you, I need to get out of my own head and stop trying to intellectualise, think through every last thing, control everything. Easier said than done 🙂
    It is a climb, indeed. I love your picture 🙂 xx

    • FitFatFood February 3, 2015 at 12:28 pm #

      They should come with a big “trip hazard!” Sign… Good luck on getting to the big 365, not that you need it 🙂

  2. lucy2610 February 3, 2015 at 9:47 am #

    Your insights are what will keep you on the path FFF that and cake and celebrations with other sober friends this week-end 😉 Can’t wait xx

    • FitFatFood February 3, 2015 at 12:28 pm #

      I need to check my email to find the plans!

  3. ainsobriety February 3, 2015 at 7:15 pm #

    I had a lot of doubt about celebrating my own one year. Is it celebrating something I should have been able to do sooner? Am I being over dramatic….

    But when others reach milestones I a ecstatic for them. And I should be just as happy for myself as I am for others. We are all working in this thing called life and we need to notice the highlights as well as the small moments in the morning when we remember how good we feel…

    Funny…after all the angst I felt around the year the days have resolved into a lot of normal. Sober normal. I like it.

    • FitFatFood February 4, 2015 at 8:44 am #

      Its so true about those small moments. We must cherish them.

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