The Addict Inside

23 Feb

So I ate some cheesecake.

Yep, an unashamed rebellion against my self-imposed sugar ban. And what was i rebelling against? My feelings.

I had a long weekend away for a family members birthday and there was drinking constantly and cake everywhere. I spent the weekend feeling fairly stable, fielding questions about the non drinking and comments on my general abstemiousness. Slowly and slowly it wore me away. I ignored my tools and felt annoyed at myself, them and my alcoholism.

I was packed off with a huge slab of cheesecake that I intended to give to my flatmate when I got home. He loves cake and it seemed the natural thing to do. And yet the knowledge it was there on the drive home was driving me crazy.

When I got home to discover he was out, I paced around deciding what to do, and then the addict voice struck. I ate it.

Now eating sugar in itself isn’t the end of the world, even given my now broken pledge to stop for Lent. What scared me was the place that that action came from. Sometimes my “wolfie” drinking voice felt separate from my brain and that was my experience in that moment. And of course as soon as I had started I wanted more.

In intend to get back on the sugar-free wagon as it was suiting me; when things were going well, I was finding it easier to cut it out 100% than to try and have a constant dialogue with myself about what I wouldn’t eat- removing the choice of sugar, just like 100% abstinence from alcohol, suited me well. And the white stuff does me no favours which is why I wanted to stop in the first place.

And yet I’m back at square 1 because I couldn’t cope with ze feelings. I’m starting to feel like a 2 year old. Am I really that emotionally immature? Or am I being too harsh, forgetting that recovery is a long process and in sobriety I am but an infant?

I don’t know, but as ever, I wanted to ‘fess up on this blog, write it all out of my system and ask for help and advice. All views and guidance welcome.

Love, FFF x

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18 Responses to “The Addict Inside”

  1. lucy2610 February 23, 2015 at 3:46 pm #

    Progress not perfection right? I think you are being too harsh on yourself FFF. *reaches out hand to pull you back on the sugar-free wagon* 🙂 xx

    • FitFatFood February 26, 2015 at 10:30 pm #

      Progress not perfection, yes, and yet I can’t get back on the wagon. Is this a *WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME* moment like drinking was or am I turning the magnifying glass on myself too harshly? I know not.

      • lucy2610 February 27, 2015 at 8:11 am #

        Maybe you’re just not ready to let it go yet? Don’t be too tough on yourself FFF – give it a rest and then try again in a while. Do you need more sugar free tools in the same way that each time we couldn’t quite kick drinking before we needed to load up more tools? 🙂 xx

      • FitFatFood February 27, 2015 at 12:29 pm #

        Maybe I’ll never be ready…? Thats not true, I’ve got alot going on at the moment and maybe this is an added layer of pressure…

      • FitFatFood February 27, 2015 at 12:40 pm #

        Loved your post today btw ☺️

  2. Sarah February 23, 2015 at 4:26 pm #

    🙂 I most certainly would have eaten the cheesecake. Agree with Lucy, be kind to yourself. Its just a slice a cheesecake.

  3. ainsobriety February 23, 2015 at 4:36 pm #

    The backlash from breaking the rules is harsh. My own response is to not make rules. I can’t say it’s a better way, but it is a gentler way for me.

    This is worth considering. At times like that, where you feel somewhat deprived when everyone is drinking, is it helpful to also abstain from the cake? Or did that add to your discomfort….

    Experiments. That’s what these are.

    I hope the cheesecake was good.

    • FitFatFood February 26, 2015 at 10:29 pm #

      I’m struggling again and again with this question of ‘rules’. I feel out of control at the moment and yet imposing them is causing me all sorts of problems.

      Maybe rules free is the way to go, Thanks for planting that seed of thought x

      • ainsobriety February 27, 2015 at 1:48 am #

        I understand how you feeI think about imposing order on my life often. When others talk about restrictive diets, etc I want to join in and prove I can do it too.
        And there’s the problem… Proving to me? I don’t want to prove things to myself. I can never measure up to that pressure.

        Eating is a complicated thing…

      • primrose February 28, 2015 at 10:26 am #

        just popped in to see how you were doing… I know that I’ve linked to Rachel Cole before on your blog, and this post made me think of a great post of hers, here:

        http://rachelwcole.com/2014/12/14/how-to-make-peace-with-food/

        I love the definition she quotes of ‘normal eating’:

        ‘Normal eating is going to the table hungry and eating until you are satisfied. It is being able to choose food you like and eat it and truly get enough of it -not just stop eating because you think you should. Normal eating is being able to give some thought to your food selection so you get nutritious food, but not being so wary and restrictive that you miss out on enjoyable food.

        Normal eating is giving yourself permission to eat sometimes because you are happy, sad or bored, or just because it feels good. Normal eating is mostly three meals a day, or four or five, or it can be choosing to munch along the way. It is leaving some cookies on the plate because you know you can have some again tomorrow, or it is eating more now because they taste so wonderful.

        Normal eating is overeating at times, feeling stuffed and uncomfortable. And it can be undereating at times and wishing you had more. Normal eating is trusting your body to make up for your mistakes in eating.

        Normal eating takes up some of your time and attention, but keeps its place as only one important area of your life. In short, normal eating is flexible. It varies in response to your hunger, your schedule, your proximity to food and your feelings.’

        sending you lots of love and hoping you are finding your way to some answers! xxx

      • FitFatFood February 28, 2015 at 11:17 am #

        Thank you. Just text you I think- would be good to chat offline at some point x x x

  4. primrose February 23, 2015 at 6:23 pm #

    sounds to me as if you were in the perfect HALT storm… so vulnerable to the attack of the killer cheesecake….oooh noooo….. particularly the angry feelings which can accumulate like storm clouds and need a release.

    advice? well in general would say be super dooper kind to yourself when you are making any significant change. so maybe avoiding triggery situations as you would in the first six weeks or so of early sobriety?

    specifically cannot speak from experience on total sugar free diets but there are lots of gurus out there whom you’re probably already aware of, who perhaps may have practical tips about dealing with sugar cravings? eg emergency packs of food when in a craving scenario? I know this was a very specific event. I guess your choices are either stick to your plan, incorporating what you’ve learnt into your approach, or modify your goals… which is up to you of course! wishing much power to your elbow!

    if you think you are eating emotionally can you (a) break the cycle entirely by dealing with that emotion in a different way or (b) substitute another non-sugar treaty food at that moment so you’re breaking the sugar/emotion link? oh and try never to be alone in the house with a cheesecake 😉 xxx

    • FitFatFood February 26, 2015 at 10:32 pm #

      That HALT storm was harsh. And all this advice is spot on. And yet I cant follow it.

      More work to be done methinks 🙂

  5. Annie February 23, 2015 at 6:58 pm #

    At least it wasn’t a tiramisu. No, joking apart, I hear what you’re saying about the inner addict. As someone who is unable to string together more than a few weeks of sobriety, when you have done more than a year, I am totally in awe of you. I agree with others here who say that you shouldn’t be too hard on yourself, but I know that is easy to say. Hoping you get back on the sugar-free wagon if that’s where you feel good. Annie x

    • FitFatFood February 26, 2015 at 10:27 pm #

      HAHAHA AT THE TIRAMASU. That properly made me lol.

      I hadn’t thought of my achievements, just feeling shitty now, so thank you for reminding me of them x

  6. Allie Holbrook February 23, 2015 at 10:48 pm #

    As Prim says, definitely a HALT storm there. I did the long weekend away with heavy drinking relatives recently, and it was tough. Not because I wanted to drink, but because I was on my guard constantly, and every interaction was taking something away rather than giving me something. In that circumstance, when your surroundings are hollowing you out rather than nurturing you, it’s natural to want to put something into that gap. Cheesecake is better than alcohol.

    I think if there’s any advice to be had, it is to think about whether those sorts of long weekends are good for you, and to have tools at hand to guard against lapses if you do have to go on them. Just as, when we’re newly sober, we avoid heavy drinking friends, bars, whatever triggers exist, I think a total sugar ban deserves similar coddling.

    But you’re great, and given your history of eating disorders, I mostly just want you to be kind to yourself here. You did good.

    • FitFatFood February 26, 2015 at 10:26 pm #

      Thank you Allie. Cheesecake IS better than alcohol.

      The whole experience and how I’ve been feeling subsequently (not related to this, just a general malaise) reminds me how much work there is to be done.

      Thanks for your wise words as ever x

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