I don’t know WHAT was going on yesterday with my posting- I tried to post twice and thought it worked but apparently didn’t so apologies for clogging up your WordPress feeds.
Here’s the post I was trying to make:
I think, subconsciously, I made a choice to take a bit of time out. I was getting a bit sick of being caught up in sobriety and wanted to live like a “normal” person for a while. A friend of mine who really strongly disagrees with the notion of “once an alcoholic always an alcoholic” planted a seed in my mind about withdrawing from the programme slightly, and I wanted to experiment a little to see how it felt.
And it’s been fine. The compulsion to drink hasn’t come cantering back dressed in a cape with his dark horsemen, I’ve been ok.
Prior to this “experiment” I became a little preoccupied with what sobriety was taking away (time, energy, too much energy going towards introspection), but what I failed to notice was what it gives me. Being in the sober world, blogging, going to meetings adds so much to my life, but it took a period of absence to realise that it’s such a positive force for me.
I’d prefer not to be an alcoholic, obvs, but seeing as I am, I might as well make the most of it 🙂 I was reflecting earlier this week on how lucky we are to have the supportive community we have of people who understand us. How unique the AA sponsor is, the person we share the darkest corners of our personality and who listens without judgement, guiding us to growth. It’s really bloody special and I shouldn’t undervalue any of what I have.
So I’m going to try to reintegrate myself into the sober world, carving out time for it, because it’s alarming how distant can feel in just a few short weeks of absence. I always think to myself “but I won’t actually drink”, but the truth is, give me a couple of months trucking along as I am without my sober safety net and I could be alone with a bottle of wine in the blink of an eyelid. That possibility never goes away, so today I choose sobriety and the abundant love and support it offers.