Message in a Bottle Part 3

26 Dec

Two years ago at Christmas, I wrote this:
Christmas would have been so different if I hadn’t drank. I feel down, anxious and helpless. Today would have been day 45, I would have gone on my annual Christmas run with joy in my heart. Once I drink, the negative effects last for days. I ran this morning and derived no pleasure from it, I felt ashamed, self loathing and deep rooted sadness. I wanted to sit down in the middle of the street and cry.

My family are big drinkers and watching them do it today is making me even sadder. My brother suffers from depression and just looking at him drinking bottle after bottle of beer makes me want to weep.
But, every day is a new start, and tomorrow I’m hoping the post-drinking blues abate and that I start to get some of my sober clarity and peace back. 
This time next year when I post on Christmas day, I want to do so with a year of sobriety under my belt. I want to re-read this and remember the pain and discomfort that drinking has brought back so quickly. I want to have worked through how to cope with my low moods and be a stronger person for it. I want to be 100% sober and comfortable with a new lifestyle. Drinking ruins so much, it’s just not worth it. I’ve written it time after time on here this year and keep slipping. One day, I’ll no longer slip, I’ll wobble along sober but will no longer fall.
This post is like a little message in a bottle for what I hope the next year will bring. It will be my 2014 Christmas Day treat to read how far I’ll have come. I can do this, I know it’s within me to. I just need to keep the faith in myself, which I currently don’t have back, but with a few sober days under my belt, it will come. 
Here’s to ending 2013 sober and starting 2014 on the right foot. 
Once again I celebrate Christmas so grateful for my sobriety. I am calm, happier, relaxed and full of gratitude. Of course “wolfie” is still at the door at times in the wink of a wineglass or the momentary madness of a “was I really that bad?!” thought. 

I blogged a few weeks ago about dark days I was experiencing. Like everything, these were temporary and I feel on the up again. Most pain has a lesson, and for me it was that the depression I felt then felt similar to the hungover depression I chose to inflict over and over. Actually, I didn’t choose. I was powerless to the drink that caused it. 

Sometimes I underestimate the strong grip I currently have on sobriety, and just how precarious it really is. I must never put that in jeopardy.

Good luck to all those who are newly sober, or trying. I will pray for you this Cheistmas x 

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16 Responses to “Message in a Bottle Part 3”

  1. lucy2610 December 26, 2015 at 9:34 am #

    Merry Xmas lovely – so happy you are in a brighter place 🙂 xx

    • FitFatFood December 26, 2015 at 9:46 am #

      Thank you. And for the brilliant advent calendar! Loved those posts

      • lucy2610 December 26, 2015 at 10:02 am #

        I’m sad to see them end too! Oh well there is always next year 😉 xx

  2. primrose December 26, 2015 at 4:19 pm #

    Happy Christmas lovely and so glad you are in the sunny side of the street now!

    I’m coming to realise recovery has its growing pains and that’s all part of the process…. You were the one who told me that when we are going through a rough patch it means that smoother waters lie ahead – I think of that so often!
    Lots of love to you! Xx

    • FitFatFood January 12, 2016 at 1:37 pm #

      I had forgotten even saying that- I’ll note down my own phrase for future ref 😉

      That’s for always being brilliant x

  3. Annie December 26, 2015 at 4:54 pm #

    Happy Christmas, and thanks for being here. Your words here give me hope, though I do feel really depressed today. Annie x

    • FitFatFood December 26, 2015 at 6:30 pm #

      You can create your own message in a bottle Annie 🙂

  4. ainsobriety December 26, 2015 at 7:44 pm #

    I’m glad you are less down.
    Another sober Christmas is a gift. A gift for ourselves, to ourselves.
    It’s worth the effort.

    Anne

  5. Lisa Neumann December 27, 2015 at 7:18 pm #

    Beautiful. A full circle of emotion. And more importantly you see that you get through it. Every time. Every single time that bright day arrives—again. What a joy to watch you grow. You are a gift for me and my recovery. I, too, can underestimate my grip. I see how strong when I face and conquer the challenging moments (days). Blessings beautiful one. Cheers to another incredible year of living.

    • FitFatFood January 12, 2016 at 1:36 pm #

      Thank you Lisa my shining star x

  6. iamcurable December 31, 2015 at 5:41 pm #

    I found this inspiring, thank you. I’m closing in on two weeks sober and would love to look back on some of my current posts one or two years from now like a “message in a bottle”.

    • FitFatFood January 15, 2016 at 7:06 am #

      I was so pleased to read this. How are you getting on? Will be thinking of you in this tough month of Jan, but think of what’s round the corner 🙂

      • iamcurable January 18, 2016 at 8:23 am #

        I’m doing well. Thanks for asking. I have cravings every couple of days but I know that they’ll fade after an hour or two (or less), so it hasn’t been a big deal. Yesterday was 4 weeks sober!

      • FitFatFood January 18, 2016 at 9:25 am #

        4 weeks! That’s huge! It gets much easier from here, even though there will always be tougher moments, you’re doing ace!

  7. Alan Boyd February 2, 2016 at 6:28 pm #

    Hi, congrats on 2 years, may I ask, what is the best tip you can share about starting my own recovery blog?

    Respectfully,

    Alan
    ajbf150@gmail.com

    • FitFatFood February 2, 2016 at 6:42 pm #

      Hi Alan,

      I’d say just write every moment you can. I never intended to write a recovery blog, I just found myself using writing as a means of working out my feelings.

      It’s been an invaluable tool on my journey so I highly recommend it x

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