Archive | February, 2016

Sober Goggles

28 Feb

Here’s the thing about sobriety: you see things so much more clearly.

This generally means my experience of being sober has made the big stuff easier: making decisions, making commitments, listening to my gut feeling and following it. Except I’ve noticed something recently; whilst sobriety affords a certain amount of clarity, I still have to deal with the confusing head and heart dialogue that makes life feel very difficult at times. 

I find that being an alcoholic gives me a base level of crazy that I have to manage. Throw on top of that romantic relationships, work stress and uncertainty and a nagging feeling that the decisions I make now will affect the rest of my life in a very big way, it makes for a really uncomfortable period. I can’t tell what’s a sensible gut instinct, and what’s The Crazy coming through. What is a genuine doubt about a relationship and what is me being ruled by fear and a desire for the thrill of dating rather than committing to one person? 

Before i got sober, I was addicted to drama. I wanted the chaos of something terrible or exciting going on all the time. Since I stopped drinking, that desire has largely subsided, but for whatever reason, it feels like it’s back with a vengeance.

One thing I’m seeing as a common theme in my problems is my lack of patience. How can you work out what is best for you if you constantly want the outcome/solution NOW. Patience isn’t a quality I realised I was lacking until recently, and I don’t quite know how to develop it. Because my nature is to think an issue to death until I take action to resolve it, or push for the outcome I (think I) want, I appear incapable of just letting things unfold, seeing how they develop. I speak on here sometimes about trusting the universe. I believe wholeheartedly in this and yet, I don’t FEEL it currently. I want to force the universe to tell me what the f**k will happen, thank you very much.

Patience is a virtue, and I need to develop it sharpish..!

Happy Sunday x

Que sera sera

18 Feb

I blogged a week or so ago about the pain of uncertainty. It was crippling, consuming and I was suffocated by the anxiety of it all. I was doing (mostly) the right things, but it still hurt.
I got lots of amazing advice from followers of this blog and yet none of it changed how I felt. My head subscribed to the ideas I was being gifted, but my HEART didn’t feel it. 
And then something changed. The penny dropped. I heard an Eckhart Tolle line that made the messy jigsaw puzzle of life I was stressing and weeping over click into place. 
Tolle says: “if you embrace uncertainty, infinite possibilities open up in your life.” As simple as that. And it’s changed everything.
I’m praying to The Universe, meditating, doing yoga when I can and its helping soothe me. I’m feeling spiritually connected again to something bigger than me and once again I have the comfort that It Will All Be Ok. I feel it in my heart.
Que sera sera…
Edit: I wrote this post 5 days ago, and came back to it to publish, feeling anxious and stressed again. It reminded me of how our feelings are constantly shifting sands and how no emotion, good or bad, lasts forever. Reading it back reminded me to take time to be still, set stress aside and listen to the vibrations of the universe… May tranquility come once again 

Trusting the Universe

3 Feb

Since day 1 of recovery, I’ve been really attracted to the notion of a Higher Power and a Higher Plan. This does take the form of some sort of “God” for me, a notion that I know a lot of people struggle with. Mine is a God separate from the doctrine of any one religion, that operates on a few key principles: there is a force greater than little me and it has a divine plan I cannot yet see.

It dictates: be kind, try hard to act as you should, forgive yourself for being human when you err, give thanks, trust that everything will be ok. I have your back, says my HP.

Most of the time, I find this belief hugely comforting and it really helps me to feel my life is infused with a spirituality that is absolutely essential to my sobriety. Drinking was one means of easing my spiritual discomfort and through connecting with spirituality through prayer, gratitude, yoga, nature and running, I generally feel great.

Except.

Except when i am in a situation where I’m not in control. Where I’m praying for the universe to give me something and I have to sit tight and wait for what it shall offer. I don’t like that. I like it when I can feel the divine wheels in motion in a positive direction or when I can gaze back over something that has happened to me with the superior vantage point that is retrospect, and make sense of “the plan.”

I’m experiencing a huge period of discomfort and no amount of prayer, meditation and yoga seem to be helping. I’m trying to battle the universe by agonising over what my self-will wants. Which is completely fruitless, and yet I can’t help myself.

Dear readers, do you have any tips for handling uncertainty and managing desire? It’s an area I haven’t really truly tested in sobriety yet. I know that if the thing I want doesn’t happen it’s meant to be IN THEORY, but in practice I am in daily agony as I wait.

All wisdom and experience gratefully received 🙂

Yours,

FFF x

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