A Case of the Fuck Its

1 Apr

My no added sugar plan is going well. I’ve eaten enough at meals and made sure I don’t cut out fruit. I feel fine, and not deprived or tempted (yet). 

There have been a couple of moments that took me right back to the early days of quitting drinking. On Tuesday, I was happily going about my business at work when the colleague sits next to me opened a box of high-quality dark chocolate truffles and offered me one. I started to reach for one and remembered I can’t. My brain starts a shouty dialogue:

“Just one is fine!”

But it’s breaking the no chocolate rule”

“But these are good quality and dark! They’re basically a health food!”

“They are chocolate. You committed to no sweet things.”

“But I’m only 3 days in! I can start again, right?!”

And so I was back in my early days of sobriety, when I felt I had so little to lose that The Fuck Its would take over. 3 days sober was a time when I drank again and again, because I could start over. I used to peek at my sobriety app and think about how easy it would be to reset that counter.

Nobody got anywhere without weathering the difficult times and pushing through discomfort. With sobriety I had to push through that craving again and again until I had so many days on my sobriety app and so much momentum I knew it was too precious to lose in a moment of bad judgement. For me, that day was day 50 and I’ve never looked back.

This week has been really good in exercising my self control muscle, reminding me that I’m good at doing that when i put my mind to it. It’s interesting because it’s made me reflect on a bit of a trend in society and the “self acceptance” movement of late. I’ve been continuing with a behaviour I know is negative for me and hearing the messages of “nobody should be depriving themselves- live your life! Eat the damn cake!” and that people with a history of eating disorders shouldn’t restrict food. The thing is, I have an “everything in moderation except moderation” streak that needs to be managed. Yes it may be deprivation, yes it may make my inner Twirl loving child throw a tantrum, but the truth I’ve discovered this week is this: the second I took the decision making away from myself, the burden of agonising over what to do lifted. Just like drinking.

I don’t think it will be plain sailing from here, but very quickly I’ve learnt a lot. It’s like many many experiences I’ve had since quitting booze: those “sober muscles” you develop apply to many areas of life and give you insight and strength that makes everything a little easier.

Here’s to continuing to learn and grow and work those sexy sobriety muscles! 

Happy Friday 

5 Responses to “A Case of the Fuck Its”

  1. B April 1, 2016 at 9:39 am #

    I think, for me, it’s definitely motivating to think of how hard it was to get where I am at (health-wise and sober-wise). I am only on day 45 of my sobriety (but yay to me because I had never made it past day 7!) but I lost almost 70 lbs after I had my daughter and have kept it off for about 2 years. I get the fuck its quite often these days regarding my diet because I’ve been focusing so much on not drinking. So my thought process is…it’s much easier to KEEP the weight off and CONTINUE to eat healthy than it is to START.

    Drinking is much the same. It was SO HARD to stop, and to stay sober that first 30 days and it’s not that hard anymore now that I am STAYING sober. Of course, I have to be on guard at all times and, like you, slap away the temptations to have “just one”, but maintaining is a piece of cake (no pun intended) compared to the initial effort and time of starting.

    It’s amazing what a few alterations in our thought process can do for us (or to us). I guess that is why cognitive behavioral therapy is so effective. As a counselor, it’s nice to see it first hand in my own life. 🙂 Thanks for sharing!

  2. Phoenix @ shadowashspirtflame.wordpress.com April 1, 2016 at 11:20 am #

    “But these are good quality and dark! They’re basically a health food!”
    Classic. 🙂
    I am so proud of you.

  3. Adrian April 1, 2016 at 1:30 pm #

    I’ve not been following your sugar journey…. but…. have you read _Potatoes Not Prozac_? It’s brilliant, it’s for people like us, it describes the brain chemistry behind sugar and alcohol addictions, and she has a plan — that’s about habits and lifestyle as well as food. Would be interested in hearing what you think if you read/try it!

  4. ainsobriety April 1, 2016 at 2:26 pm #

    There is a grey area between self acceptance and self indulgence.

    I was sure self acceptance would turn me into a lazy sloth.

    It hasn’t. But I still regularly struggle with why am I doing something.

  5. thisgirlcrazy April 1, 2016 at 4:45 pm #

    I’m feeling you on the whole “it’s only been 3 days, I can start over its easy… ” thing for sure… such a battle in the early stages (which right now seems to be all I know). You did great on saying no to the chocolate… mmm chocolate, those sounded yummy!

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