A Scream Looking for a Mouth

10 Jun

I heard this phrase, ‘a scream looking for a mouth’, in relation to recovery earlier this week and it floored me. I cannot think of a more perfect description of that agony within me that caused me to self harm through food deprivation and alcohol abuse. My using came from a deep deep place of unhappiness and spiritual malaise, a place I haven’t been for a very long time.

Hearing this horrible wonderful phrase has come at a time when I am experiencing acute pain in my recovery. I have been under large amounts of stress and despite trying to manage it, deep down a chasm has opened up. This chasm doesn’t stem from a specific place; it’s a cocktail of fear, a sense of impending doom, anxiety and ego. It is brewing away inside me, looking for an outlet- either I self descruct, try to treat it or let it poison me from the inside out.

I have drifted away from the blogs a little, after trying to cut down my online time, and doing so has been unhealthy. Just as cutting back on my AA meetings to give myself more rest has backfired. Just as abandoning my gratitude and step work. Just as…

Recovery is a treadmill. A never ending cycle of maintenance just to stay upright. On a good day, this feels like a wonderful natural momentum that pushes me towards self care: health, rest, running, yoga, spirituality. Right now, it makes me want to jump back into a vat of wine for the sake of an easier life. (I know the reality would be very different).

This quotation from Gabor Mate summarises it perfectly:

“Not all addictions are rooted in abuse or trauma, but I do believe they can all be traced to painful experience. A hurt is at the centre of all addictive behaviours. It is present in the gambler, the Internet addict, the compulsive shopper and the workaholic. The wound may not be as deep and the ache not as excruciating, and it may even be entirely hidden—but it’s there.  ― Gabor Maté, In the Realm of Hungry Ghosts: Close Encounters with Addiction

At the moment, I need to look at my recovery afresh, to salve that pain in the healthiest way possible. Yesterday I had a meltdown that made me realise how serious  this is. Recovery must come first.




10 Responses to “A Scream Looking for a Mouth”

  1. primrose June 10, 2016 at 7:39 pm #

    Having a ‘moment’ tonight of not WANTING TO NEED TO DO THIS. All this bloody self-examination, self-care to keep on right track… Aargh! Yes stay close, sober first, hug from me xxxx

    • FitFatFood June 10, 2016 at 8:33 pm #

      The endless treadmill right?! Hugs back atcha lovely x

  2. mercyjm June 10, 2016 at 8:37 pm #

    Please keep writing, it really helps those of us who keep failing 🙂

  3. lucy2610 June 10, 2016 at 9:29 pm #

    Love Gabor Mate – so much so I have quoted him in my final Cambridge assignment 😉 Feeling your pain FFF – just back from my first sober hen night. Gah! xx

    • FitFatFood June 12, 2016 at 8:50 am #

      Sober hen night! Yikes! Hope you survived in one piece x

  4. carrieonsober June 10, 2016 at 10:25 pm #

    Aw sorry to hear that you are wobbly…you have to listen to yourself and take stock – slow down and look after number one. It’s about putting yourself first that’s what matters. You know what works for you. You’ve a wonderful record of it here on this fabulous blog. And in helping yourself you benefit and inspire so many others with your writing and honest account of being young and in recovery.
    You’re incredible, even when you think you’re not…deep breath and remember it’s just your ego telling you you’re not coping – when truth is it’s just a meltdown and you’re entitled to it. Don’t beat yourself up for not being super women – no one is. We just set that bar a little to high is all…it needs adjusting.:)
    Hugs Carrie xx

    • FitFatFood June 12, 2016 at 8:50 am #

      This is so lovely to read Carrie. Thank you. “A meltdown and you’re entitled to it”- I love this idea! Makes me see things very differently. Thank you.

  5. ainsobriety June 12, 2016 at 5:44 am #

    Recovery is life. Having been in that same place of a screen with no mouth I understand deeply.

    I’m at a retreat and the idea of hopelessness came up. I used to live in hopelessness. I could see nothing that would help me. Nothing that could end my pain. No way out.

    Of course, recovery, and the continuous journey of self acceptance and awareness brought me out of hopelessness into living.

    You can get back to that. Put yourself first, find some rest. Say no even if it’s hard. Be gentle with yourself. And remember there are lots of hearts out here sending you love and strength.


    • FitFatFood June 12, 2016 at 8:49 am #

      Thank you thank you thank you. Where is your retreat? I need one I think!

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