Drinking the poison…

15 May

I remember the first time I heard the phrase: ‘It’s like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die’ in relation to resentment. It was on a Bubble Hour podcast, and I remember chortling as truth resonated through.

Today, I am glugging that poison, and it’s only hurting myself.

And I’m calling myself out on it. I’m brooding over anything and everything and not helping myself AT ALL. I’m a ball of anger and resentment. I shocked myself by Googling (in an embarrassing teenager-like move) ‘What to do when you hate yourself.’ WHAT TO DO WHEN YOU HATE YOURSELF?!? What am I? Twelve?!

I’ve done SO much internal work over the past 9 months, and yet I’m still letting my inner baby/critic run wild. Things have been tough of late, and I thought I was coping with it better than I am. I cried down the phone to someone who rang to say I couldn’t rearrange a massage appointment, I threw a cushion hard at the floor when I saw my ex’s new wife pop up on my ‘People You May Know’ on Facebook, with a photo of their wedding cake, which had mine and my ex’s fave cartoon on it. Thief! My inner teen screamed. Victim! I’m a victim! I thought. She stole our thing!

The list goes on….I resent my current partner because he is almost unshakeably lovely, and I want to provoke him to get annoyed with me, because I feel I deserve it. I have laid in bed, shutting out the world in a way I’m not used to, again and again over the past few weeks. And it’s contributing to the spiral of doom. I know the things that nourish me include getting out there in the world, connecting to a community, be it through socialising or work, exercise, nature… I’ve barely been doing any of them. I’m stuck in a downward trajectory, but I’m finding it hard to get myself out of the hole. It should be simple- I have so much positivity inside, I have lots of good things and good people in my life, but it’s a struggle to connect to any of them. All the negativity is making me tired and depressed, which is fuelling the problem. I just want to stay in bed…

Tomorrow is another day. I’ll start again, and try to get the sparkle back. Sorry for the rant. But better out than in, right?!


5 Responses to “Drinking the poison…”

  1. ainsobriety May 15, 2017 at 9:56 pm #

    I am so sorry. Resentment is horrible.
    There is a book by Cheri huber called There is Nothing Wrong with you.

    It is unbelievable insightful and very short. You might like it.
    Otherwise bubble bath and a crappy novel. With lots of sex…



  2. shehidbehindtheglass May 17, 2017 at 5:36 pm #

    I hope that getting it out by writing about it here helped a bit! ((big hugs))

  3. tiredoftreadingwater May 18, 2017 at 2:02 am #

    Definitely better out than in. I’m sorry you’re having a tough time at the moment. I hope you can break through and begin feeling more upbeat as soon as possible. Strength and best wishes to you x

    • FitFatFood May 20, 2017 at 10:02 am #

      Thanks so much. I’m feeling better already 🙂

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