Drinking the poison…

15 May

I remember the first time I heard the phrase: ‘It’s like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die’ in relation to resentment. It was on a Bubble Hour podcast, and I remember chortling as truth resonated through.

Today, I am glugging that poison, and it’s only hurting myself.

And I’m calling myself out on it. I’m brooding over anything and everything and not helping myself AT ALL. I’m a ball of anger and resentment. I shocked myself by Googling (in an embarrassing teenager-like move) ‘What to do when you hate yourself.’ WHAT TO DO WHEN YOU HATE YOURSELF?!? What am I? Twelve?!

I’ve done SO much internal work over the past 9 months, and yet I’m still letting my inner baby/critic run wild. Things have been tough of late, and I thought I was coping with it better than I am. I cried down the phone to someone who rang to say I couldn’t rearrange a massage appointment, I threw a cushion hard at the floor when I saw my ex’s new wife pop up on my ‘People You May Know’ on Facebook, with a photo of their wedding cake, which had mine and my ex’s fave cartoon on it. Thief! My inner teen screamed. Victim! I’m a victim! I thought. She stole our thing!

The list goes on….I resent my current partner because he is almost unshakeably lovely, and I want to provoke him to get annoyed with me, because I feel I deserve it. I have laid in bed, shutting out the world in a way I’m not used to, again and again over the past few weeks. And it’s contributing to the spiral of doom. I know the things that nourish me include getting out there in the world, connecting to a community, be it through socialising or work, exercise, nature… I’ve barely been doing any of them. I’m stuck in a downward trajectory, but I’m finding it hard to get myself out of the hole. It should be simple- I have so much positivity inside, I have lots of good things and good people in my life, but it’s a struggle to connect to any of them. All the negativity is making me tired and depressed, which is fuelling the problem. I just want to stay in bed…

Tomorrow is another day. I’ll start again, and try to get the sparkle back. Sorry for the rant. But better out than in, right?!

Advertisements

5 Responses to “Drinking the poison…”

  1. ainsobriety May 15, 2017 at 9:56 pm #

    I am so sorry. Resentment is horrible.
    There is a book by Cheri huber called There is Nothing Wrong with you.

    It is unbelievable insightful and very short. You might like it.
    Otherwise bubble bath and a crappy novel. With lots of sex…

    Hug

    Anne

  2. shehidbehindtheglass May 17, 2017 at 5:36 pm #

    I hope that getting it out by writing about it here helped a bit! ((big hugs))

  3. tiredoftreadingwater May 18, 2017 at 2:02 am #

    Definitely better out than in. I’m sorry you’re having a tough time at the moment. I hope you can break through and begin feeling more upbeat as soon as possible. Strength and best wishes to you x

    • FitFatFood May 20, 2017 at 10:02 am #

      Thanks so much. I’m feeling better already 🙂

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

The Art of Keeping Going

A blog that's mostly about not drinking.

trufflesfreedom

Starting a life of sobriety and freedom.

waking up, being sober

and trying to make sense of what follows

Off-Dry

Sober girl, loopy world.

Hungry Girl Eats

Notes on the care and feeding of body, mind and spirit.

DominantSoul

The Erotic Art of Sensual Domination

lydia davies

author of 'Raw, the diary of an anorexic'

You Deserve a Donut.

Boo for Eating Disorders.

800 Recovery Hub Blog

Written by people in recovery for people in recovery

My Road To Abstinence

Sober, me? Really?

ainsobriety

Trying to ace sober living

tired of treading water

Ditching the drink and waking up

Shadow. Ash. Spirit. Flame.

Out of Shadow and Ash, Spirit ascends and blazes Light.

The drinking Stops Today

My attempt to quit drinking....

Good Morning Mercies

Seeking beauty and balance overcoming chronic illness and addictions

We Admitted We Were Powerless

A journey of recovery

A Woman Without Wine

If you always do what you’ve always done, you’ll always get what you’ve always got

Mind-Full Mom-E

Being sober & clear headed with a mind that is full!

12 the hard way

ruminations on the twelve steps.

superbly sober

A girl trying to get sober in a boozy world.

Recovering From Powerlessness

A journey of recovery from everything

soberchoices101

One day at a time

nomorewine's Blog

The greatest WordPress.com site in all the land!

Ditch The Grog Blog

A Quest to Sobriety!

Lucy's New Life

Goodbye booze. Hello clarity, health and happiness.

The Adventures of a Sober Señorita

Follow me as I live la vida loca (but sober)

Party.0

Getting crazy with no consequences!

The Six Year Hangover

A BLOG BY A GAY MAN GETTING SOBER IN NEW YORK CITY.

And Everything Afterwards

How I quit alcohol and discovered the beauty of a sober life

Just A Rock

The trials of a young woman awkwardly trudging her way to happy destiny

Life Unbuzzed

Rowing my sober boat gently down the stream

Alcoholics NON Anonymous

Step 1: POWERLESSNESS is not real.

The Lotus Chronicles

Just like the lotus we too have the ability to rise from the mud, bloom out of the darkness and radiate love and beauty.

Living Free

A fine WordPress.com site

messyarts

lettuce turnip the beet.

Seeing Clear Lee

musings on becoming alcohol-free

Sober at 51

Enough is enough...

The Healing Hobbit

Live life abundantly.

%d bloggers like this: