Tag Archives: cravings
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Swinging from the Chandeliers

20 Apr

In true addictive style, I have been playing this song by the wonderful Sia over and over today. Very apt, as it’s a song about addiction, specifically the cycle of living in the moment when drinking and then having to face the aftermath.

After Friday’s happy, sober contented post, I’ve had a tough weekend of cravings. I stupidly went to a huge street party/rave thing yesterday afternoon, which is NOT the kind of environment I should be putting myself in when I’m feeling like I’m missing out by not drinking.

I was turning over the idea of what would REALLY happen if I nipped into a pub to come out with a plastic glass of slightly warm flat beer when, as if on cue, two people I recognise from AA walked past. Thanks Higher Power, impeccable timing there eh?

It is safe to say I was absolutely crawling the walls yesterday afternoon and have been for most of today. I just want to drink. I do. Surely these cravings should, at 96 days sober, have died down a little?

I’ve got friends coming round for dinner tonight and I’m writing this as a guard against opening the wine that’s in the fridge. I want to dance around my kitchen and cook and feel the effects of wine. I know I’m romanticising it, that it would end with me waking up tomorrow full of regret, but that knowledge doesn’t take the desire away.

Two of the people coming for dinner are the friends I’ve told about being in recovery, so I couldn’t drink tonight if I wanted to, which is really bloody annoying.

I’m trying to just focus on getting my head on the pillow tonight sober, which i know I can do, but what’s really bothering me is the thought of just how much effort this is taking. Week after week I’m battling cravings of epic proportions and it’s pretty exhausting. Yes, I know life is way better sober. Yes, I know when I post about happy sobriety I am I’m bouncing off the walls ecstatic, but when I get these cravings my skin crawls.

Even though I am committed to my sobriety, it’s painful, and I don’t know if I can continue like this forever. Unfortunately, this option is better than the drinking alternative, so for now, my choice is to remain sober. It does get easier, right? I’m praying that the cravings will start to go. I’m my own worst enemy with my thinking, I keep building up drinking in my own head as this wonderful thing I’m missing out on. It’s not. We all know it’s not.

GAHHHHHHHHHH this is hard.

But I’ll do it and tomorrow I will wake up happy.

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Appetite for Destruction

21 Mar

As you get further and further from Day 1, the stakes get higher. You have more to lose if you drink.

Right now, that doesn’t bother me. I want to drink. I’m battling a craving of epic proportions, that’s been bubbling up all week.

I have this overwhelming desire for a bit of chaos. I’m not quite sure where it’s coming from, or why, but it’s been incrementally building over a week or so.

Last weekend, I met some lovely fellow sober bloggers, and we sat outside in the sunshine and despite being in lovely sober company, my desire to drink was there. I think the sunshine was a trigger. Ridiculous right? But true. After they departed, I took myself straight off to an AA meeting, and the desire went away. But all week, it’s grown and grown.

I don’t think it’s specifically a craving for alcohol I have, but to do something naughty, to let loose a bit. I think the fact I have a running injury and can’t pound the streets is making things worse, as I’ve got no way to let off steam.

I’ve sent out an SOS call to other AA people and am trying to meet my sponsor later today. I’ve got a cinema trip booked tonight to stop me drinking. I hope it works.

This is my emergency call to you fellow bloggers. I feel as accountable to you all now who read and comment and help me as I do to myself. This is me out-ing myself as a not very sober sober blogger, which is what I am today. I know it will pass. I just have to cling on.

WOAH CRAVING

16 Feb

I have been doing brilliantly this week, happy, feeling very sober, thrilled to be over a month without a drink but WOW today I have been wrestling Mr Wolfie like mad. 

All I want to do is fall face first into a mega glass of wine (you know the goblets that hold pretty much half a bottle? One of those). Why? I have no idea. 

In a bid to make sure I relax a bit and get enough rest after a mad week at work, I’ve been quite isolated this weekend. I think that has something to do with it. I’m also at the point which I’ve learnt, for me, is the classic “I wasn’t that bad really” point- just over a month sober. 

I’ve been to a lot of AA meeting this week, but I haven’t been engaging with the principles of it outside the meetings. So the One Day at A Time approach, which I know works, has gone out of the window. I’ve become a bit obsessed with not being able to share a bottle of wine with an (imaginary) future date, which is not helpful. I don’t even have any prospect of a date any time soon!

I’ve also been watching a lot of House of Cards where there is ALOT of alcohol. Despite one of the characters being an alcoholic which should put me off drinking, the seemingly endless casual glasses of wine portrayed on screen seem really appealing. This is just nonsense, to get triggered by a TV programme, but it’s reminded me how dangerous it is when the seed of drinking is planted. 

I’m staying strong and am leaving for a meeting in the next half an hour, which will buy me one more sober day. I cannot have a Day 1, not now. There is just no point. I know I don’t want to carry on drinking and have to stop, so why ruin my momentum AGAIN. 

Next week I’m going to focus on coming out of my sober bubble a little so I feel less isolated at the weekend, and planning lots of nice sober activities to look forward to.

I’ve settled on a treat that I’m saving up for if I make it to 3 months sober- a set of personal training lessons to start strength training and shake up my exercise routine a bit, which I’m REALLY looking forward to and today, the thought of denying myself that treat has pushed me through. 

Alcohol eh? Cunning, baffling, powerful. 

But I’ll stay sober today. 

Happy & Sober

13 Feb

Isn’t it interesting, reading back your own blog?

Sometimes, when I’m having the “was I REALLY that bad?” moment that we all recognise, I read over old posts to remind myself of why I’ve stopped the drinking madness. Reading them is such a strange exercise, because I sometimes don’t recognise the person who’s written them at all. I’m not sure if it’s because I’ve written from a position of complete, uncomfortable honesty and I’m reading raw words rather than recalling incidents from the much cosier perspective of selective memory, but it really helps to read back. And it reminds me that I’m more vulnerable than I often think I am.

In good moments, I feel on top of the world, and don’t recognise some of the agonised posts. Thankfully, because of sobriety, these moments are happening more frequently and I’m starting to feel more grounded and more serene. It would be fair to say that at the moment, every day I’m having a burst of joy at being alive and sober. This usually happens in the morning on the way to work when I’m at my most energetic, and while I’m writing my gratitude list at night. I didn’t think doing a gratitude list would make such a difference to my well-being, but it really has. Every night I light a gorgeous scented candle and write in my little book and feel brilliant. It’s such a nice way to close my day.

It makes me realise that whilst the direct consequences of my drinking weren’t devastating in terms of my behaviour or relationships, drinking truly robbed me of my happiness. I was on a constant rollercoaster of depression. Now, I’m feeling much more level, less crazy, the lows are less low.

I’m just so happy to feel secure in my sobriety this time round. Not in the sense that I believe I won’t drink if I let my guard down, but in the sense that I really love being sober this time, and that drinking doesn’t seem appealing at all. Before Christmas when I was on my last sober run, every day was a monumental battle against cravings and the feeling that while being sober had benefits, I wanted to drink more than I did to battle. Now, I really don’t want to throw away what I’ve got, and mercifully, cravings aren’t an issue.

Happy happy happy Thursday!

Cravings

27 Jan

No sooner had I declared I’d been craving free since I first went to AA, was I besieged by cravings. Joy,

On Sunday morning it was tipping it down in London so I skipped my marathon training run and spent the morning cleaning, tidying, drinking tea and keeping happily productive. And then, out of nowhere, I decided it would be a great idea to drink vodka. VODKA?! I never even drank vodka really, it was the drink I drank as a teenager going out experimenting with alcohol. Absolute madness.

Anyway, I swerved the craving, went for Sunday lunch with friends where bottle after bottle of wine was consumed, sipped my sparkling water and headed to an AA meeting after to make sure I didn’t pop to the shop and buy vodka (?!?!?!?!?!) on the way home.

I’ve learnt a lot about cravings in the past year of trying (& failing) to give up drinking, so thought I’d note them here to share what I’ve learnt.

They often come from out of the blue You can be there, strong, content, doing the sober shimmy through life, and BAM! It rears it’s head. These illogical cravings are some of the hardest to deal with because you can’t attach them to any particular incident or emotion.

A craving is not a license to drink In my early, naive attempts at sobriety, I thought the second a craving came up I was beaten, and gave in. Not so. A thought or feeling isn’t an action. Don’t translate it into one.

Pre-empt them where possible Some situations are just designed to trigger cravings. Whether it’s a situation you associate with drinking, a stressful environment or a boozy function, if you know it’s coming up, try and tackle that craving in advance. For me, that involves eating a chocolate bar- the sweetness kills the craving dead. I try to avoid sugar, but I found this solution through trial and error and hell, it’s much better than the alternative.

Tell someone Blog about it, text a sober friend, even call a helpline if you don’t have any sober connections yet. Articulating the fact you have one can be enough to quiet Wolfe, and you’ll get some support and encouragement back.

It always passes It just does. It’s horrible waiting it out, but it goes.

Play the tape to the end
This is a funny one for me at the moment. It’s always previously helped to think of what could (will) happen if I drink, but lately that’s been a source of anxiety that has fuelled the craving. I cast myself forward to the feeling of Another Day 1 and feel utterly worthless and unable to do this sobriety thing. And then I remember that I’m not there, I’m here, doing it. Hurrah for me!

So here I am with another day sober. I’ve stopped counting, but now I’ve got a couple of weeks under my belt again it’s feeling easier. Not easy, but not so excruciating.

I’ve still got so much to learn and lots of situations to tackle sober, so if you have any tips for beating cravings I’d love to hear them.

Happy Monday!

(P.S sorry the text is weird on this post- my laptop is broken and I’m posting from my phone!)

Things Wolfie Says

25 Dec

A list of things wolfie says to make me remember what triggering thoughts I have. I’ve done alot of thinking and writing this evening and it’s really helping me feel better, more proactive and less miserable.

So:

You deserve it- The old classic. We all know this voice. You’ve been sober for (what feels like) ages so GO ON! Have a drink. A treat. You deserve it.

You were never that bad– you never blacked out, did anything truly embarrassing other than some enthusiastic dancing and a bit of staggering around. You don’t drink like alocholics do. You are just a young girl, having fun! Right wolfie, what about drinking alone in my room night after night, mindlessly surfing the internet, achieving nothing. Drinking mini-bottles of wine in the toilet at work to ease a hangover? Yep, totally normal.

These feelings are unbearable– you need to drink, wine is the only way. Wine makes these feeling worse, Wolfie mate. Shush. 

You’ve slipped up before, and learnt from it– why not slip up some more? Learn some new things? It’s all part of the process. FUCK OFF.

You don’t have a drinking problems, you just have a problematic mind- I do have both- I have problems handling things, but they’ve driven me to a drinking problem and I can’t go back to drinking normally now. Take a long walk off a short cliff, wolfie. 

This will never get easier– it will, it will, it will, right?

So all together now in festive chorus FUCK YOU WOLFIE!