Intervention

So, I’ve known over the past few months that  my job isn’t right for me but haven’t done anything about it yet, waiting to get some more sober time under my belt. But today, the universe has intervened and forced my hand to REALLY consider what to do next. 

I’m a freelancer who’s been with the same company for a very long time, so much so I forget I’m not staff there. I found out today the team I work for is changing shape, so my contract will end at the end of next month. This is a big shock to the system. 

I have to decide what to do next. 

I am so so pleased with today, because the following things happened:

• I got this news out of the blue and didn’t freak out. 
• I didn’t cry, get anxious or feel wounded.
• I knew this decision wasn’t about me, but about the company. I recognised they value me rather than thinking it’s all my fault and that they’re forcing me out. 
• I accepted their offer of help finding another role in a different team. 
• I didn’t blame my drinking for the ending of this contract- it’s out of my hands. Whilst my drinking definitely had some impact on my work, I accepted my boss’ praise for a job really well done and didn’t get Imposter Syndrome. 
• I’ve accepted that this is the situation I have to deal with, and am making plans for What to Do Next. Breaking it down into a manageable plan of action. 
• Most importantly, I DIDN’T DRINK.

Today has been huge in my journey. This is the kind of situation that I would REALLY drink over in the past. But all I thought this afternoon was “Usually on a day like this I’d get smashed, but I don’t want to now” and then moved on.

Thank God for the principles I’ve learnt in AA in the short time I’ve been in there. I feel true serenity today- whatever will happen will happen, but I’ll do the best I can to do what’s within my power to get the outcome that will suit me and my early sobriety.

Yes I’m worried about money, and about what job I choose next (there are a few options on the table already, thankfully) but I’ve been brought to this crossroads and I’m going to work through it without drinking. In some senses, the timing couldn’t be worse- I’m in the process of buying a flat and in the early days of sobriety FFS. I need stability and an income. But in another sense, I think it’s the gift in disguise I’ve been waiting for, speeding up the process of me looking at what I want to do every day. 

I’m going to think hard about how to support myself during these decisions. At least I know one vital thing: I can’t drink. If I drink I won’t get through it in one piece and will truly scupper my chances of giving myself the space and support I need to make the right choice. 

So thanks, Universe, you crafty bugger. 

Let’s see what happens next…