Tag Archives: sleep

Off Kilter

4 Jun

I feel like I’ve fallen off the blogging wagon. It’s a really important part of my recovery, it helps me step back and reflect, discovering thoughts and feelings I didn’t know I had as I commit words to the page.

It’s all been a bit of a struggle the past fortnight or so. Not a -shit-I’m-going-to-drink kind of struggle, but a definitely unhealthy one. I’ve sort of got myself over the drinking-to-cope hurdle, and after we’ve leapt that, what’s left to deal with is life, really, isn’t it? I’m never out of danger of drinking, but my brain has slowly changed its well-trodden thought pathways of believing a drink is the best way to get through ANYTHING. So here I am, left with life to contend with. 

My new job is an amazing experience and privilege, but it’s sucking the life out of me. I’m not eating properly, have had a few big sugar sessions to get me through exhaustion and have had a real lack of sleep. I have a few other very big things in my life going on which means there’s emotional pressure from all sides and it’s keeping me up at night. Too much worrying, too little sleep. 

Sleep is the key to it all, I think. When I was drinking, it was the constant exhaustion that got me and now I’m sober, I get drunk with tiredness if I don’t get my 7 hours. If I don’t sleep, my diet goes off track and then I feel even shittier. It’s got to be my number one priority over the next few weeks, getting that shut eye. Without it, everything is just so much harder. 

All this disruption in my life recently has reinforced something I’ve always known but never quite managed to get right; the huge extent to which the physical affects the emotional. When I suffered real anxiety, I felt it so viscerally. It used to sit heavy and uncomfortable in my stomach, course through my veins when it rose. When I feel depressed (which happens infrequently at the moment because of being sober and in the summer months), it manifests itself in a brain fog and feeling almost floppy limbed. When I feel low I just want to sit down in the middle of street and let the world walk by. With the stress I’m currently feeling, it’s just sort of THERE. I can’t feel it physically like I usually do. But I know the physical exhaustion is feeding into it, and that the two states are inextricably linked. Exercise is helping, and stopping the sugar will help too.

I’ve got 5 more weeks of getting through this intense period, then things will calm. Co-incidnetally, I have 5 weeks until I’m 6 months sober (when did that happen?!) and I’m not letting that slip away from me by drinking now. 

Happy Wednesday? 

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