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New Years Euphoria

2 Jan

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Yesterday, I had the pleasure of running round this beauty.

I felt calm and strong and that 2014 would be my year. Time to put all this sober practice into long term action.

What a way to kick off the year 🙂

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Coffee & Love

14 Oct

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Yesterday was quite a remarkable day in this whole trying to stay sober thing.

For the first time, out loud, I met people who are having the same problem. I finally met the wonderful Belle and other lovely Team 100ers to have tea and cinnamon buns, and talk.
It was so important to me for so many reasons.
The first, was the realisation that I’m really not alone in having been crept up on by wolfie. That wolfie catches all sorts of together-looking, kind, bright, wonderful women. That these women have all struggled in their own way to beat the problem, have stumbled, fallen and got back up again. That several of them have stuck to the challenge, been through its ups and downs and got far beyond 100 days.
The experience was really valuable to me, but a strange thing happened while I was there, in that warm, beautiful smelling café with all these wonderful women. In the back of my mind, I had a voice almost the whole time I was there, an urge telling me that after this meeting, I would go to the pub and drink a cold pint, or warming glass of red. That I needed that final warm embrace of alcohol before I gave up for good. That this time, it would be my last.

I had the inevitable sense of feeling you’ve failed before the drinking incident has happened. There’s something about drinking where the second it enters my head to have a drink, I know I’ll do it, and I’ll drink the whole bottle.

I left the café really conflicted. On the one hand, it would be an insult to the women I’d spent the past couple of hours with, but on the other, it would mean I got once last chance to say goodbye. I was tired, emotionally vulnerable, and just really really wanted a drink.

I decided to eat some chocolate, to try and give myself a lift. That helped. Then I remembered all the “last time” drinks I’ve had over the past year. The last bottles.

I promised myself a bath and a cup of Pukka love tea when I got home. I promised myself a take away if I wanted one (I never eat take away, but I had the urge for something comforting and a bit naughty). I knew I had fresh bed sheets waiting for me at home.

And I resisted. I refound the skill that I had lost after going back to drinking. The skill that got me through my first block of sobriety: the ability to cling on to anything that will stop me drinking during my dark 2 hours where the urge is overwhelming. To stop me drinking until I can have a meal, which always crushes the urge.

Yesterday was important in so many ways, and I just want to thank Belle and her amazing team 100 supporters for their company and their words of encouragement, their wisdom on stopping.

Here I am with one more day sober (admittedly, I was still drinking until last week), one day feeling like this whole thing might actually be within my grasp.

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Fork in the Road

5 Aug

Fork in the Road

I was having a HUGE struggle with myself this evening walking home from work.

From about 5:30pm I knew I had no exercise plans (the way I usually distract myself from drinking) and *really* wanted to neck a glass (read: bottle) of wine.

I know that every sober day on this journey will be about choices. I *could* have a drink at any time, but I’m choosing not to.

I stumbled across this sign outside a bar on my way to the tube which made me crack a wry smile, despite my foul mood.

For the past year or so, this has been my drinking philosophy, and exactly the one I’ve been trying to get away from.

So I choose to eat some Mexican food as a treat, go home in a foul mood and ride the craving wave. And it worked!

Here I am, one week sober, about to go to bed. It’s telling in itself that I have had to struggle to get this far…

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Wobble

4 Aug

Wobble

Having a major wobble today.

On Day 6, have felt fantastic so far, really felt the benefit of not drinking on my 14 mile training run yesterday.

I had a date last night, a pretty awesome one, more of which later, but being with someone new after the Big Breakup of my 7 year relationship a few months ago feels strange. Strange in the sense that I’m realising that I haven’t quite processed the feelings from the other relationship breaking down yet. I just locked it out with wine.

Sunday evening is a huge expanse of time before me, one which I very very often have filled with wine.

Tonight, my mantra shall be focused on weebles wobbling- it’s part of their make up, but they don’t fall over. There’s a part of me that really wants to fall over right now, head first into a bucket of cold white, but I won’t.

I’ll go running, download a film and Soon it Shall Pass.

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Being Brave

1 Aug

Being Brave

I’m on Day 3, and I’m feeling on top of the world not drinking.

For the first time, something clicked in my head, and it reminded me how I’ve got out of difficult situations in the past: being brave and acknowledging they’re not working for me.

Last year, I got myself out of 2 abusive relationships that have caused me trouble for well over a year, one romantic and one work.

How did I change that? I fully embraced that they were negative and unhealthy for me, and I took the courage to step out of them.

That’s what I’m doing for the next 97 days of this 100 day challenge. Stepping out of that abusive relationship with alcohol. If I get to 100 days and want to leap back into his arms, (he being red wine…) then fantastic. But until then, I’ll be brave and enjoy the view from the outside of his tight embrace.

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Love This

20 Mar

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