5 months sober

14 Jun

Today is my 5 month soberversary. 

I’m so glad to be here, life is so much easier than it was 5 months ago, when I was caught in the cycle of stop-start-stop drinking. 

I often list what I’ve learnt at key milestones in my sobriety, or the benefits of being off the sauce, but to keep me focused on not taking my sobriety for granted, today I want to write about the challenges:

  • Remembering I have a problem– when I’m going about my daily business and enjoying life, it’s so easy to forget what a hold alcohol had on me. Even as I type that sentence, I catch myself. ‘Did I *really* have a problem or was I being dramatic?’ Recognising these thoughts is so important. If I have any doubt I had a problem, I just read over the early posts of this blog, or go and sit in a room of other alcoholics, all of whom I relate to. I always giggle when I remember my first chair at AA, and how everyone nodded along. If there is any greater confirmation of your alcoholism than a room full of alcoholics relating in many and varied ways, I’d like to see it…
  • Not drinking is easy, life is the hard bit– Now I’m in the habit of not drinking, the daily struggle to avoid booze is no longer there. YES I have thoughts of drinking, YES I wish I could drink, but I don’t have to physically stop myself picking up a bottle of wine any more. The problem is the emotions. The thinking patterns I have. Those are the challenge that I will always have to deal with. Alcohol helped nothing. I am so much better equipped to deal with life now.
  • This is part of who I am– almost daily I wish I wasn’t an alcoholic. I sometimes hate it so much it makes me want to sit down in the middle of the street and weep. But it’s just in my make up. If I had diabetes or a heart condition or asthma I’d have to accept it. This is another medical condition that is unfortunate, but part of my reality now. And really, when I reflect on the past couple of years, alcohol took a hold of me at the best possible time for me to deal with it. I had the space to deal with the problem, and if I continue to deal with it daily, I can continue my new improved life without a self imposed road-block slowing me down. 
  • Not drinking marks me out as different- our culture is so alcohol-centric, not drinking feels really strange sometimes. I wish I could, but I can’t. Most people accept this and if they don’t, then I have to consider my relationship to them. I wish I could join in the drunken fun sometimes, but the truth is, I enjoy myself more sober. Being sober and on a night out is FAB when you’re in the right frame of mind and if you’re not, well, maybe you should just go home and tuck yourself up in bed. I need to do the latter more rather than stoically riding out shitty nights just to please others. I’m trying to OWN my sobriety, wear it with pride and inspire others. Sometimes I feel it, some days I don’t, but if I make it a positive part of my identity rathe than a shameful secret, that will help me long term.
  • Drinking was fun– as lots of very wise bloggers have said, it was fun until it wasn’t fun any more. I remember the brilliant moments more than I remember the shit ones. The destructive drinking I did was almost always alone, but towards the end I’d opt out of the group nights out because I didn’t want to have to control my drinking. That doesn’t sound much fun to me. Consuming 2 bottles of wine alone doesn’t sound much fun. Nor does constantly calling in sick because of hangovers. I need to stop romanticising drinking and recalling the reality rather than memories from a different drinking time.
  • Complacency only causes me problems- some days I forget the importance of begin proactive to stay sober, not reading the blogs as much, not going to meetings. If I prioritise other things, I’ll drink again. Sobriety is an ongoing process, with no end to it. 
  • Not everything is perfect in sobriety– I’m still me with my flaws and problems, if fact I’m MORE me, which is even scarier. But I’d choose scary sobriety over miserable drinking every day.

Happy Saturday!

 

 

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27 Responses to “5 months sober”

  1. lucy2610 June 14, 2014 at 7:43 pm #

    Or having sober bloggers nodding along to everything you write 😉 Congrats on 5 months lovely. We must do lunch *mwah mwah* xx

    • FitFatFood June 16, 2014 at 8:58 am #

      We must daaaahhhhhhling. I need to start checking my FFF email properly so we can actually successfully arrange something! 🙂

  2. carrieonsober June 14, 2014 at 9:55 pm #

    Happy 5 months!!! Scary sobriety all the way!!!
    You have come so far!
    Doing a little dance here in your honour 🙂
    Lots of love xxxxx

  3. superblysober June 14, 2014 at 11:01 pm #

    Congrats on 5 months. That number seems so huge to me right now, being only 6 days in. I’ve also started and stopped more times than I can count and am currently questioning whether I’m just being dramatic about this whole situation or not. This post has really helped me see through my clouded thoughts, that this sober thing is worth it, so thank you.

    • FitFatFood June 15, 2014 at 7:19 am #

      So glad to read this. I had so much trouble at the beginning, I really did, and it took quite a few tries to get here and I never thought it possible but hey! It is 🙂

  4. nomorewine June 14, 2014 at 11:09 pm #

    Congratulations 🙂 you should be so proud of yourself!!! I hope and pray I will reach 5 months…..I’m just about to tuck 1 month under my sober belt and reading blogs like yours inspire me……xxx

    • FitFatFood June 16, 2014 at 8:57 am #

      One month! Wooohoo! That’s one of the hardest bits. Keep going 🙂 Keep on pushing- I relapsed a few times after one month because I got complacent, so keep on pushing through and what they say about it just getting better? Absolutely true.

  5. Dragonfly Wanders June 14, 2014 at 11:45 pm #

    Way to go! Inspiring post!

  6. soberlearning June 15, 2014 at 1:19 am #

    Congratulations on 5 months. As Lucy said, I too nodded along to everything you said. Especially the part about hating being an alcoholic.

    • FitFatFood June 16, 2014 at 8:59 am #

      It’s a bit rubbish, hey? But of all the diseases to have, I’d choose to have one that if I treat it myself, I’ll stay safe 🙂 x x x

  7. carrythemessage June 15, 2014 at 2:55 am #

    Very well said, my friend. I can relate, certainly!

    “I’m trying to OWN my sobriety, wear it with pride and inspire others. Sometimes I feel it, some days I don’t, but if I make it a positive part of my identity rathe than a shameful secret, that will help me long term.” I think this is important. I think that for me, it’s not so much a badge of honour, or some kind of mission for me to be on, but it’s just me. I am not sober Paul. I’m just Paul. Sober. You know what I mean? Of course we don’t need to feel shamed…and no one is allowed to make us feel that way without our consent, yes? 🙂 And frankly, anyone who would want to knowingly (that’s the key word there!) do that is someone that I would have to revisit in terms of relationships. And you mentioned that too…very wise.

    Congrats on 5 months – that’s fantastic! 🙂

    • FitFatFood June 16, 2014 at 8:55 am #

      ABSOLUTELY. Outside the blogs, being sore isn’t something I talk about much, or make it a ‘thing.’ If people ask, I’ll tell them I’m AF, but I’m just me, MORE me than I ever was when I was drinking and that’s a pretty cool place to be.

      Hope you’re well x x x x

  8. primrosep June 15, 2014 at 5:26 am #

    great post, FFF. nodding along here too. have been thinking it over and had some thoughts on what you said about ‘this is part of what I am’.

    you are so right that this is a part of us, but not all of us. when we are drinking, the booze IS all of us. it takes over our hearts and souls so that when you look at us, it is all you can see. like a dark, all enveloping cloak, covering us up.

    and then we start getting sober. and it is hard, and not drinking is all we can focus on for a while. like wearing a crazy hat. remember Princess Eugenie at the royal wedding?! that sort of hat 🙂

    but then, and this is the good bit, not-drinking turns into BEING SOBER. which is a completely different thang. like your favourite dress, or killer outfit. which makes you feel invincible, and powerful, and gorgeous. that you think of with affection and relief when you realise you can wear it.

    but unlike an outfit, sober will never wear out or go out of fashion. you can wear it every day. it will suit you for the rest of your life. and when you wear it, people don’t see the dress. they see you. and how beautiful and brave YOU are.

    so many congratulations on 5 months, lovely. it suits you 🙂 xxxxxxxxxxxxx

    • FitFatFood June 16, 2014 at 8:54 am #

      YOU MEAN THIS SORT OF HAT?!: http://www1.pictures.zimbio.com/gi/Princess+Eugenie+Prince+Edward+Royal+Wedding+mFPmsfFH72ql.jpg 😉

      Thanks Prim. I love the killer dress analogy. I had a great night out last night where I was rocking’ that sober tiara & LBD combo and was so happy and proud to be sober. May there be many more nights like that one. I have the lows frequently, but the highs are pretty damn awesome.

      Thanks to my sober cheerleader and trend setter x x x x x x

      • primrosep June 17, 2014 at 11:55 am #

        snort! that is a particularly good picture of That Hat! xxx

  9. moretomethanthis June 15, 2014 at 6:57 am #

    Yes, nodding along here too like the dog in the churchill ad! This all rings so true. Congrats on five months! How totally fabulous 🙂 Well done you 🙂 xxx

    • FitFatFood June 16, 2014 at 8:51 am #

      Thanks and LOL at the churchill dog 🙂

  10. Sober Second Half June 15, 2014 at 11:22 am #

    Congratulatons! “Remembering that I have a problem” and “drinking was fun” are the points that resonate most with me. I guess drinking is like any bad relationship: when you love the other person so much, you only remember the good times and wish with all your might for those elusive good times to return. But were the good times really ever THAT good? I mean for me, hangovers were always a consequence. In retrospect, the fleeting “fun times” were just not worth it. And yet- and yet – I STILL get that urge to have a glass of wine. Bad relationship indeed, and as I read this back I’m reminded of Albert Einstein’s quote: “Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.” Gah – anyway – keep doing what you’re doing – you are an inspiration 🙂

    • FitFatFood June 16, 2014 at 8:51 am #

      The good times were never that good. I went out last night and ended up in a pub for 7 hours with 2 different sets of friends. I had a BLAST. They were knocking back the wine, I didn’t and the night was better not worse for it.

      When life is good it’s good, with or without alcohol. How lucky we are to have realised this secret eh? 😉

  11. Annie June 15, 2014 at 12:52 pm #

    5 months! Congratulations – that’s wonderful! I am on Day 50 today and am feeling quietly pleased with myself. Xxx

  12. Debbie June 15, 2014 at 3:56 pm #

    Congratulations on 5 months! That’s huge 🙂

    • FitFatFood June 15, 2014 at 7:03 pm #

      Thanks Debbie for your support now and always x

  13. Rebecca A. Watson June 18, 2014 at 11:03 am #

    Congrats on 5 months 🙂 That is super fantastic!

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