Two years ago at Christmas, I wrote this:
Christmas would have been so different if I hadn’t drank. I feel down, anxious and helpless. Today would have been day 45, I would have gone on my annual Christmas run with joy in my heart. Once I drink, the negative effects last for days. I ran this morning and derived no pleasure from it, I felt ashamed, self loathing and deep rooted sadness. I wanted to sit down in the middle of the street and cry.
My family are big drinkers and watching them do it today is making me even sadder. My brother suffers from depression and just looking at him drinking bottle after bottle of beer makes me want to weep.
But, every day is a new start, and tomorrow I’m hoping the post-drinking blues abate and that I start to get some of my sober clarity and peace back.
This time next year when I post on Christmas day, I want to do so with a year of sobriety under my belt. I want to re-read this and remember the pain and discomfort that drinking has brought back so quickly. I want to have worked through how to cope with my low moods and be a stronger person for it. I want to be 100% sober and comfortable with a new lifestyle. Drinking ruins so much, it’s just not worth it. I’ve written it time after time on here this year and keep slipping. One day, I’ll no longer slip, I’ll wobble along sober but will no longer fall.
This post is like a little message in a bottle for what I hope the next year will bring. It will be my 2014 Christmas Day treat to read how far I’ll have come. I can do this, I know it’s within me to. I just need to keep the faith in myself, which I currently don’t have back, but with a few sober days under my belt, it will come.
Here’s to ending 2013 sober and starting 2014 on the right foot.
Once again I celebrate Christmas so grateful for my sobriety. I am calm, happier, relaxed and full of gratitude. Of course “wolfie” is still at the door at times in the wink of a wineglass or the momentary madness of a “was I really that bad?!” thought.
I blogged a few weeks ago about dark days I was experiencing. Like everything, these were temporary and I feel on the up again. Most pain has a lesson, and for me it was that the depression I felt then felt similar to the hungover depression I chose to inflict over and over. Actually, I didn’t choose. I was powerless to the drink that caused it.
Sometimes I underestimate the strong grip I currently have on sobriety, and just how precarious it really is. I must never put that in jeopardy.
Good luck to all those who are newly sober, or trying. I will pray for you this Cheistmas x