Quicksand

18 Dec

After yesterday’s very near miss, I’ve continued to think a lot about sobriety and relapse.

More than any other type of work I’ve done on improving my life and how I respond to my emotions, sobriety is a matter of black and white. Food is of course tricky when you have issues with it as you need to eat it every day, as are other negative coping behaviours such as unhelpful self-talk which stem from deep-rooted judgements and beliefs we hold about ourselves. But drinking is all or nothing for me- I’m either doing it or not doing it. For a couple of years there hasn’t really been any sense of moderation. 

I’ve learnt so much this year about drinking, but I cannot escape the feeling that a relapse is just round the corner. I can feel it sneaking up on me. My mind is telling me that I shouldn’t be so black and white about drinking, that even if I did slip up, I’d be learning something.

If anyone has any links to any helpful blogs, podcasts or tools I could use I would be so grateful. I worked through the desire to drink last night, and I don’t have it today, but I feel like I’m on the edge of a valley of quicksand, staring at it, mesmerised and about to step in.

I’m on 38 days. I like where I am, mostly. But I am on the brink of stepping out. How can I avoid the quicksand? I honesty don’t know. 

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20 Responses to “Quicksand”

  1. Iyam Piebald December 18, 2013 at 6:01 pm #

    Hello, I am only nine days in but I have been listening to the bubble hour incessantly. Reading blogs, distracting myself at that hour of the “other’s” voice in my head.
    when it comes I could easily grab onto it and let it take me for that awful ride to hell. Well not even hell really. just sitting and watching movies and drinking beer and smoking. (watch me down play it’s significance) Only I can’t do it just one night a week. Tried it. And I miss it sometimes. I get busy. leave the room that triggers me, clean out a closet, stay in my studio..I wish I could say the right thing. I am sure I will be feeling like you too at some point. Today has been hellish so I did have thoughts.

    • FitFatFood December 19, 2013 at 3:42 pm #

      I love that image of smoking and drinking beer.

      I forget how mundane some of my drinking was- just chatting rubbish to people on Twitter and taking trips to my local shop.

      I worked through it and I’m still sober, day 39! Hurrah 🙂

  2. momma bee December 18, 2013 at 6:03 pm #

    Have you subscribed to Belle’s Podcasts or the Bubble Hour Podcasts? Belle’s are $ 10 per month and I really enjoy them. The BH podcasts you can download for free from iTunes. They really help me a lot. I listen to them in my car. I do get a lot out of them. I understand the feeling you might cave in. You have come so far and I know you don’t want another Day 1. I am just ahead of you by a few days and wish I had more suggestions. Hang on tight. Hugs.

    • FitFatFood December 19, 2013 at 3:41 pm #

      Thank you- I do get Belle podcasts and put in a special request for a chick one last night (that little chick is my fave image) 🙂

      I’m still here, and knowing there are people a few days ahead of me helps alot.

      Thanks for the hugs too x

  3. Shame Doesn't Define Me December 18, 2013 at 6:04 pm #

    Just call it what it is and know that it is there. Then, break up your day by hours. Get through an hour at a time. Call your sponsor, go to a meeting, read a recovery book, bake cookies. The next thing you know, you’ve passed and filled six hours will all positive things for you and those around you.
    You got this!

    • FitFatFood December 19, 2013 at 3:40 pm #

      Thank you!

      Who knew Desperate Housewives could be such a lifesaver? 😉 It had a scene where an alcoholic relapses and that was very timely!

      The hour at a time thing works. I only ever have the craving early evening until I eat then it goes. I’m learning, slowly!

  4. jenisthesoberist December 18, 2013 at 6:17 pm #

    There are free AA speakers on iTunes. I have listened to a few…helpful because they tell their whole story, and some of the stories are very powerful.. Sober memoirs really helped me for the first 2-3 months, too. The Bubble Hour is great. I haven’t subscribed to Belle, but I bet it’d be helpful. Keep focusing on the here and now. Nothing is inevitable. You can always drink tomorrow…or next week…or next year. Whatever helps to shut Wolfie up.

    • FitFatFood December 19, 2013 at 3:38 pm #

      I’m focusing on 40 days, which is tomorrow, then 50 etc

      The Bubble Hour and Belle have been a gift, but I think I need some new material- Sober Journalist recommended The Fix which I’m looking forward to reading.

      One day at a time etc! Much better today 🙂

  5. lucy2610 December 18, 2013 at 7:44 pm #

    Sounds like wolfie is whispering in your ear. Have you read Sober Paddy’s ebook on staying sober? I found it via Sober Irish Girl that you follow. I’m still standing next to you and I won’t drink tonight if you won’t drink. Deal?

    • FitFatFood December 19, 2013 at 3:37 pm #

      Well THAT deal worked! Thank you.

      I shall check out Sober Paddy’s book- thank you for that tip too 🙂

  6. soberjournalist December 18, 2013 at 9:20 pm #

    I also recommend the bubble hour podcasts and they have one or two specifically about this time of year. The Fix (online magazine) is also good. Hold your head up high, you’re doing better than you think you are x

    • FitFatFood December 19, 2013 at 3:36 pm #

      Thanks for the tip off about The Fix- never come across that before.

      I’m doing ok- day 39 and I’m still in one piece.

      I feel loads better than I did, I think my issues is mistaking other issues for drink cravings sometimes. I just have to get used to feeling feelings.

      Hope you’re well and enjoying your first sober Chrimbo so far 🙂

  7. primrosep December 18, 2013 at 9:46 pm #

    I am not superstitious at all but I find great comfort in something physical I can wear or touch when I’m feeling wobbly, particularly pieces of jewellery, like a ring or bracelet. If you’d find this useful could you reward yourself with something for getting through this tough patch? Keep hanging in there!

    • FitFatFood December 19, 2013 at 1:36 pm #

      I have my Fuck You Wolfie bracelet on right now!

      I’m running out of treat ideas- need to make a list soon 🙂

  8. authorgmst December 18, 2013 at 10:15 pm #

    I’ve just sat and read your entire blog this evening and it was such a great read. I saw so much of myself in your writing. All the self-delusion and twisting logic to come up with reasons it’s OK to have a drink. A very helpful read. Thank you very much.
    Stay strong, you’re doing so well. Remember how hard day 1 is. Try to think of the reasons you don’t drink now, then the lies you tell yourself to get around your reasons, then reason around those lies so you’re ready. I think the idea above of just getting through the next hour is a good one. I’ve been doing that a bit. Just get through the hour, the next hour is a completely separate one. You can do it!

    • FitFatFood December 19, 2013 at 11:52 am #

      Thank you! And it’s interesting what you say about “self delusion and twisting logic”- if I read over what’s a year’s worth of posts trying (and failing) to give up drinking, I realise I really want to stay stopped. But leave me alone with my thoughts and I think it’s a good idea again!

      Much better today than yesterday…

  9. happierlikethis December 19, 2013 at 7:13 am #

    I think if you can tell yourself that you will not drink, absolutely, completely, just for the 100 days, it helps. Tell Wolfie to clear off and come back after day 100 to ask if you still want to drink. Cause, at Day 100 you really are going to feel quite different. Stay here! Calmer waters just ahead. X

    • FitFatFood December 19, 2013 at 11:51 am #

      I’ll stay 🙂 Ugh it’s hard but I think I can do it by breaking it into smaller chunks.

  10. Rebecca A. Watson December 19, 2013 at 1:01 pm #

    I struggled with the idea of moderation as well for a long time too, thinking that it was more unhealthy to go to the extreme (binge drink or abstain) than to just sit and have a glass of wine every now and then. But then I thought about how I quit smoking and how NO ONE encouraged me to enjoy cigarettes in moderation. Because y’know, they kill you. I guess I just started thinking about how booze would kill me, one way or the other, if I kept drinking. So yes, moderation is good in somethings, but not the stuff that kills you 😉

    I like to use the quote “Everything in moderation, including moderation.” I also second all the comments about The Bubble Hour 🙂 Huge help for me. I’m sending you love and light!

    • FitFatFood December 19, 2013 at 3:34 pm #

      Thank you!

      I’ve listened to the Bubble Hour to death, but never the podcast about Acceptance which REALLY helped last night.

      Phew- it’s hard but it’s working, this fighting the desire until it passes…

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